How to Choose a Good Collaborative Attorney for You

Once you have researched or gotten some suggestions for a possible Collaborative attorney for your divorce (or other legal issue), you need to meet with the candidate or candidates and decide which is the right one for you.

When you make an appointment to meet with the attorneys, you should plan ahead  what you want to discuss and what you are looking for. Here are some suggestions.

1.  Ask about their experience.  How long have they been doing Collaborative cases?

• When did they start doing Collaborative cases?
• Why do they like Collaborative Law?
• How many Collaborative cases have they had?
• How much training have they attended?
• How they spoken at seminars or Collaborative meetings?
• Are they active in Collaborative Law organizations?
• Have they handled cases like yours in the Collaborative process?

If they have not handled many cases or been to much training, they may try to talk you out of using Collaborative Law. That's usually a sign that they are not sincere about using Collaborative Law. Try someone else.

2.  Ask about their view on Collaborative Law.  If they claim to use Collaborative but don't believe your case would be appropriate, get a second opinion. Unfortunately, some attorneys say they do Collaborative Law, but haven't been trained. Those attorneys try to draw in business and then switch clients to litigation. If an attorney says Collaborative Law is his or her first preference, that is probably a good choice.

3.  Talk about the cost for attorneys and the process.  Collaborative cases can actually save you some money, compared to costs for litigation with big fights. Having a child specialist do the preliminary work with the parents on a parenting plan is much cheaper and a better result than having two attorneys working on it simultaneously. Likewise, delegating the preliminary financial work to a single financial professional produces a better product at a smaller cost than a litigation  approach with formal discovery.

4.  Keep in mind that neither process is "cheap".  If you have significant issues, there is no bargain rate possible in any legal process.  Still, you can reduce the costs somewhat by working together as a Collaborative team.

5.  Your most important consideration:  Chemistry.

• Make sure you feel comfortable with your attorney.
• You need someone who listens to you well.
• The attorney should be able to communicate well and explain things to you.

Pay attention to your gut feeling about working with the attorney.

How to Find Information on Collaborative Attorneys

Getting Started
If you are facing divorce and either you or your spouse became interested in the Collaborative divorce process, one of your first tasks is to find a Collaborative attorney to represent and assist you.

Where to Find Names
Typically, your introduction comes from researching the Internet, receiving a referral from a friend or trusted professional or from a list of suggested names of nearby Collaborative attorneys. That can come from your spouse who may have met with a Collaborative attorney or from an attorney suggesting the names.

Get Local Information
It is getting easier to find information online about the process and about Collaborative lawyers in your area.  Make sure your searches are limited to your area. California and Texas Collaborative practitioners have some differences in how they handle cases. Be sure when you do online searches that you add in your state and city or county so you can get information and referrals that fit your situation.

What if You Get a List of Names
If your spouse goes first to see a Collaborative attorney, he or she may leave with a list of trained and active Collaborative attorneys who could be good attorneys for you to choose from.

• That's a good thing. It does not mean that the attorneys would work against you because they are friends with the first attorney. 
• The list is probably good attorneys who have a history of working well with the first attorney. That's good for you because it improves your chances of getting your case peacefully settled.
• Many times, lawyers are members of a "practice group" of attorneys and other professionals who are well trained, experienced and dedicated to helping clients divorce peacefully while protecting their rights.

Can You Use Someone Not on a List?

Of course, but you want to make sure they are trained and they would be a good fit for you.

The Next Step

When you have some attorneys' names, do some research online and learn something about each one. Then you need to meet them.

For tips on choosing a good Collaborative lawyer, please see my next blog post for February 1, 2020.

Are You Ready for Divorce?

Everyone has to decide on his or her own whether they are ready for divorce -- unless their spouse takes the first step and files. In that case, there must be a response.

But, let's talk about the situation where you are trying to decide whether to file for divorce.  How do you really decide?

First, you should think it through and not just react on impulse.  There are good reasons to file, in some cases. But there are also bad reasons to file.You need to keep things in perspective. Maybe you're mad or disappointed about something. You have to decide if it is the last straw or if it's something that's not such a big deal on second thought. Unless it's a safety issue, let a little time pass before you commit to filing. Think it over.

Second, talk with a counselor. You may need an outside perspective. A good counselor can help you think about things in different ways and put them in context. Maybe you have been in denial and you should file. Maybe an event was not so terrible once things calmed down. A counselor may be able to help you figure out other ways, short of divorce, to deal with the situation.

Third, consider talking with trusted friends or family members.  Another point of view from someone who knows and cares about you can be very helpful.  They may help you solidify your resolution to act or not act. Sharing the emotional load will also help with your stress level.

Here are some Cons to consider when trying to decide whether to divorce:

1.  Divorce will disrupt family relationships. That may seem obvious, but keep in mind that relations with many other people will be affected and you may lose out on friendships with members of your spouse's family.  If there are children involved, their lives will be changed in many ways. Transitions are often difficult after divorce.

2.  Financial difficulties are common. It's difficult to run two households on the funds that had been used to pay the bills for just one. It has to be done, but there are normally cutbacks. You may have a hard time until the finances are figured out.

3.  You need to be emotionally ready.  Try to think and plan for the changes ahead. You will probably be lonely, mad and worried at different times. You will have a lot of adjustments to make.

Here are some Pros for filing.

1.  You may be  leaving an unpleasant or unsafe relationship. It may be hard to take the step, but it will be worth it in most cases. You need to protect yourself and your children.

2.  You may have just drifted apart. You may be leaving a relationship where you don't hate or dislike each other. With a divorce, you will both be better off and have a chance for a better relationship.

3.  If your spouse has started a new relationship, you need to move on, too.  You have to face facts. There's very little chance of reconciliation when a new significant other is in place.

What's the best thing you can do to help decide whether to file for divorce? 

Go see an experienced family law attorney.  Together, you should be able to come to a decision.

By the way, a good attorney will sometimes advise you to wait a while before filing. 

So, think it over. Talk it over. Take some time, if you can. Consider the advantages and disadvantages to you. Then make your decision and stay with it. If you want to stay together, you should get counseling since you have been this close to divorce.

Good Luck!

What to do If Your Spouse Suggests a Collaborative Divorce

If you are suddenly faced with a request for a divorce and your spouse wants to use Collaborative Law, what should you do?

Since  you are reading this, you are obviously researching the topic and that's good.  It helps to have a little knowledge about the process to help you make decisions. 

Here are some suggestions to consider. 

1.  Remain calm.  You may have been thinking about divorce or discussing it. Although some spouses can hide their planning, it is rarely a total surprise.  There usually are problems that are obvious. As difficult as divorce can be, life afterwards can be a major improvement in many ways.

2. It's going to happen.  Keep in mind that if one person in a marriage wants a divorce, it will ultimately happen. You can slow it down, but you can't stop it.

3. Get counseling. Divorce is never easy. Seeing a counselor for a while can be a big help. Check with friends, associates and especially lawyers to find a counselor who can help. Try out one or more counselors to find someone you are comfortable with.

4.  Look into Collaborative Law.  If your spouse already wants to try it, you are lucky! In most cases, it is a much better process for many reasons.  You can get information from several sources:  blogs like this, web sites, YouTube videos, Facebook pages and different organizations, such as Collaborative Divorce Texas, and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. In addition, there are local practice groups, which are small groups of Collaborative professionals who work together in certain geographic areas.

5.  Hire an experienced Collaborative attorney.  Find out how many Collaborative cases the attorney has handled.  In Texas, you can ask if the attorney has been credentialed by Collaborative Divorce Texas.  They award "Credentialed" and "Master Credentialed" designations which are earned by having handled a significant number of Collaborative cases and being recommended by other Collaborative professionals, among other things.  In addition, make sure there is a good chemistry between you and the attorney so you can work well together.

If you are facing divorce, whether you like it or not, Collaborative Law is the way to go in many cases. It is less stressful, more efficient and leads to more creative solutions that can work for either party,  For your best experience, follow these steps.

How to Slowly Prepare for a Divorce

Having Time to Think and Plan
If you are not in an emergency situation or under pressure to make quick decisions, you can actually prepare for a divorce that can be fairly rational.  That's not to say that you and your spouse will not act irrationally from time to time.  That happens. For some people, there is an opportunity to research and plan so that going through a divorce is not just reacting to a sudden situation.

Suggestions
If you have time to prepare, here are some suggestions for how to start on a divorce.

1.  Do you have some money?  If not, you need to accumulate some or find a source to lend money to you.  Not only will you have to pay legal expenses, but you will have to find a way to financially create and support two households out of one.  There will be all kinds of new expenses.  Even though you may hate to do so, you may have to borrow money from family or friends or banks.  Keep your options open.  If someone offers to help, don't turn them down.

2.  Do you have a place to live?  You may be able to continue sharing a residence with your spouse while the divorce is pending, but you probably won't want to.  Or, your spouse may want to move out.  Can you afford to keep your current residence? Or, can you afford a new residence?

3.  Do you have a way to protect your children?  You may have a mature, cooperative relationship with the other parent, but you may not.  Hopefully, you can lay the groundwork to start a cooperative parenting relationship with your spouse. You don't want the kids to be a pawn between the adults in your divorce.

4.  Do you have a way to support yourself?  If you aren't working, you need to find a job or start updating your training.  If at all possible, you need to be financially independent.  If that's not realistic, at least find a job or upgrade your job or skills.

5.  Do you have a plan for the future?  You need to think ahead about starting over in every facet of your life.  Don't fall into just reacting to what's going on with a divorce.  Do some planning and get help setting up plans and goals.

6.  Have you discussed divorce with your spouse?  If you can, and it wouldn't spook your spouse into over-reacting, you should gently bring up the topic.  Chances are, your spouse has been considering it also.  On the other hand, springing a surprise on the other spouse can create a lot of anger, which means you have a more difficult and expensive divorce.

7.  Will the split be peaceful?  Some are and some aren't.  You need to try to figure that out.  That's useful information to share with your attorney since it will probably determine how the divorce starts.

What to do:  Research attorneys and find someone nearby who does Collaborative divorces.  Work with an experienced Collaborative attorney if you want to keep things private and peaceful.  Good luck.

Why Some People Put Off Starting a Collaborative Divorce

By now, you may have figured out your marriage is not going to last. The questions are when and how the divorce will take place.

Some people, when faced with that situation, put off deciding.  Others will explore their options, but become paralyzed because there are too many choices.  Still others make quick decisions, but based on emotion or bad information.

Sometimes, people make an initial decision to file for divorce and then put off getting started.  If you find yourself in that position, let me address some misconceptions about Collaborative Divorce that may be stalling your momentum.

Here are some mistaken ideas people have about the Collaborative process, with an explanation about the reality for each.

1. They believe they need everything agreed before they start the process.  Wrong.  The Collaborative Divorce process is a method used to resolve disputes.  It's a great way to create solutions for sharing time with the kids or dividing the assets.  Collaborative is used to help the parties make decisions.

2. The parties don't get along. That's not unusual since they're getting divorced, but it doesn't keep them from working in the Collaborative process.  Having the neutral mental health professional work with both parties helps them learn to listen and communicate better as well as generally behave better in joint meetings.  Unless there are serious threats of violence, most behavior issues can be managed with two attorneys working with the therapist to keep order. It doesn't get better in court.

3.  They don't have all the information.  Actually, one of the early steps in the Collaborative Divorce process is to gather information.  The neutral financial professional takes charge of identifying, gathering, organizing and evaluating the financial information for the parties.  It is a very efficient process and it's great to have an extra set of expert eyes looking at the financial records.

4. Someone doesn't understand the process.  Any attorney trained in Collaborative Law will be happy to explain the process to a prospective client.  Some will do a free consultation on the process choices available to clients for divorce.  If you or your spouse  doesn't understand how Collaborative Law works, read some more in this Blog or on my web site, or you can check Collaborativedivorce.com.

5.   Some people don't think they need Collaborative lawyers because they can agree on everything on their own.  Sometimes it works, but more often, problems develop.  After all, if they could agree on everything, they wouldn't be getting a divorce.  What happens frequently is that one party decides how things should be done and then insists that the spouse go along with it.  That's not a good idea for the "non-deciding" spouse.  Collaborative Law gives a much better opportunity for both parties to participate in working out the agreement. A one-sided agreement won't work well in the long run.

If you find yourself thinking any of the statements above, please talk with a Collaborative Law attorney and help yourself.  You'll appreciate it afterwards.

Reality Testing -- What Do You Expect from a Collaborative Divorce?

If you are thinking about using Collaborative Law to get a divorce, it's a good idea to be aware of what you are expecting and it would be very helpful to your attorney if you discussed your expectations for the process.

Do you have great expectations about Collaborative Divorce?  Are you expecting any of the following?

1. It should be an easy experience.  "Easy" is a little like "fair" -- it's a subjective term and everyone sees it a little differently.  In general, you should keep in mind that this is still a divorce, with lots of emotions.  You are un-doing years of marriage and many decisions made over the years.  Divorce is rarely "easy", no matter which process is used.

2. It should be quick.  Again, "quick" or fast is relative.  No divorce with significant children's issues or substantial property can be quick.  There's a lot at stake and we all have to be careful to make sure the best results are obtained by everyone.

3.  It should be painless.  Again, this is a divorce.  Divorces are rarely painless.  We do have an advantage in Collaborative Divorces because we use a neutral therapist and a neutral financial who help the process run better and with less conflict than many litigated divorces.  There's bound to be some pain in ending the marriage, but it will generally be much less painful, just not quite painless.

4.  It should be cheap.  In a similar vein, a Collaborative Divorce is probably less expensive than  many or most litigated cases, but it can still cost a substantial amount.  The more complicated the
issues, the more meetings and preparation are required.  That also means the cost increases.  Keep in mind that complicated cases are definitely more expensive in litigation. Collaborative may not be cheap, but it's a wise expense.

5.  You should get everything you want.  That never happens, regardless of the process.  However, in Collaborative Divorces, we do make an effort to focus on what both sides want and need.  We do try to obtain as much of those results as possible. We probably come closer to getting what you want than would happen if we just left everything up to a Judge.

6. The lawyers will handle everything for you.  Not true.  We help you determine your goals and needs, and we help you prepare for meetings and discussions. We do some background work with the other professionals.  But, the parties have a major role throughout the process and they speak up directly in our meetings.  This is not a passive process for the clients. The result is that the parties have much more influence on the final outcome of the case.

7.  You should come out of the divorce with the same standard of living that you experienced while married.  That's not likely in most cases.  We usually still have the same size pie to be divided now into two households, rather than supporting just one.  We have to be realistic.  Fortunately, the neutral financial expert normally helps both parties plan their budgets for their post-divorce lives.  That usually helps reduce the impact on day-to-day living.

So why use Collaborative?  As you can see, Collaborative Divorce may not be exactly what you expect.  Still, people are choosing the process because it is very private, they have more control over the outcome, they can create unusual provisions, it's less stressful and they can maintain civil relationships with the co-parent of their children.

Bottom Line with Collaborative Divorce:  You can get a good result if you are patient and put in the effort.

Misinformation About Collaborative Law

When people are considering whether to stay married or get divorced, they will often do research on what their options are.  Some people think the only choice is litigation, while others will dig a little deeper.  Unfortunately, they need to be careful where they dig.

If you are investigating your options, please spend time to look up information provided by experienced and active Collaborative lawyers.  I occasionally spend some time looking on the Internet to see what people are writing about Collaborative Law.  Sadly, there are many misstatements about different aspects of the process. The mistakes seem to always be on web sites by non-Collaborative lawyers who write a little about the topic, probably to show up in another area for search results. Generally, their conclusion is that Collaborative Law is not such a great process.

While I certainly wouldn't want an attorney to have to do a Collaborative case if he or she didn't want to, I do thing we should keep the facts straight when explaining our views to the general public.  Here are three common misconceptions that are presented about Collaborative Law.

1.  It just works for the small group of people getting divorced who get along well. Actually, while it works well in the easy cases,  it's also very helpful for people who don't get along well.

There are many reasons why people choose the Collaborative process.  They may value the privacy, or the power to make their own decisions, or the control over the scheduling, or the creativity permitted, or the assistance of a neutral financial professional or mental health professional.

People with those interests may not get along, but they see the value in the process and they see how the mental health professional keeps everyone working together effectively.

2.  If the Collaborative Law process breaks down, you can't use the documents and information that was gathered in the Collaborative case.  That's not true.  While  statements and communications are protected, the documents and agreements produced can be kept and used as the parties finish off the case in litigation.  The result:  emails and statements made at meetings are confidential and can't the used in litigation, but spreadsheets created and the underlying documents supporting them can be used.

That means that it's not a total loss, but still the parties have to slow down and go to court to finish what they were unable to agree upon. One of the main reasons why Collaborative Law usually works is that the parties don't want the expense of hiring new attorneys or the delay of waiting 30 days while everyone gets started again.

3.  The Collaborative rules remove the right to have a trial.  That's not true either.  If the process breaks down or one or both of the parties want to go to trial, the parties can have a trial, once they hire new attorneys.  In reality, trials are about the last resort for either side.  Most Judges will require the parties to attend mediation before they go to trial, and that will usually lead to settlement.  Very few people actually want to go to trial where they leave everything up to the Judge.  Most people prefer to decide for themselves how their finances and children will be handled.

There are other misstatements I see regularly when I look on the Internet, but these are some of the more frequent and relevant mistakes.

If you are seriously looking for information about your options, do yourself a favor and start by looking for information from an experienced Collaborative lawyer who actually handles Collaborative cases. 

Considering Divorce?

'Tis the Season!

For several years, January has been a very popular month to start a divorce.  There are lots of reasons for that popularity, but mostly it seems to come down to the start of a new year being a time for fresh starts.

For those about to suggest a divorce or for those hearing about plans for a divorce from a spouse, it's time to take action.  That's true even if you don't want a divorce.  Doing nothing can be very dangerous.  With that in mind, here are five tips to keep in mind.

How to start -- The best first step is to consult with an attorney.

Yes, you may have to pay a consultation fee, but that is a small investment compared to what may be at stake.  Meet with an experienced family law attorney and find out what your options are.  There are several different processes that can be used to get a divorce, with varying degrees of cost, difficulty and damage. There's no "one size fits all".  You need to consider which way you prefer to proceed. 

Immediate concerns.  You need to think short-term to consider some of the following issues:

• Who stays in the house?
• How are the bills paid?
• What do you say to the children?
• How do you break the news to your spouse?
• How can you get along with your spouse while the divorce is pending?

Plan ahead -- things to do before filing:

• Gather records on your finances.
• Have control of some money.
• As odd as it may sound, try to be considerate and nice to your spouse. It's easier and better to divorce a friend than an enemy.
• Make a plan for where you will live and how you will separate the clothing, personal effects and furniture.
• If you have kids, plan how you and your spouse can share time and responsibility for the children.

Read up on the divorce process.

There's tons of information on line about divorce, although you should be careful to not read about other states.  Their laws are different and usually don't apply here. There's plenty of Texas information available.

Don't Do It Yourself! 

I recommend against DIY unless you have a very short marriage, AND there are no kids AND there is no property (other than personal effects) AND there are no debts.  If you have any of those, you should also have an attorney.  There's a lot to lose if you don't know what you're doing!

     
 Good luck, plan ahead and work with an attorney.

What to Do if You Are Uncertain

People come to a decision about filing for divorce in different ways.  Some are unexpectedly confronted with a demand or request for a divorce. Others think about it for a long time before making a decision.  Still others want to talk to someone about the best course of action. Some want to come up with a specific plan of action before beginning. And there may be other steps followed by other people.

This post is for those people who have started considering divorce, but just aren't yet sure whether to go that route or to stay and try to fix the marriage.  If you find yourself wondering what to do, here are some suggestions.

1.  Find an attorney.  Yes, be prepared to pay for a consultation if you want to have a serious discussion of the pros and cons.  A good family lawyer will not try to talk you into a divorce.  Experienced lawyers know that there are sometimes good reasons to stay in what has become a difficult relationship, as long as your safety is not compromised. You can talk to your friends, neighbors, hair dresser, relatives and others, but they won't have the same educated and broad overview that an attorney will have.

2.  Discuss the processes and possible outcomes.  There are different ways to get divorced, not just the common way of litigating in court.  One size doesn't fit all.  You should try to understand your options and figure out which would be best for your situation.  Again, don't rely on your friends for this information.  An attorney will be able to compare litigation to mediation to Collaboration to informal negotiations. It's OK to take some time to think it over.

3.  Decide on your timing. It may be better financially to wait a while or it may be better to go ahead and file so you can finish before the end of the year.  On the other hand, maybe you should wait since your needs and expenses may change over time. Or, it may take a while for you to decide whether you really want to move forward on a divorce. Choose what benefits your situation best.
 

Take your time.  Get help.  Look at the situation from different angles.

Advantages of Using an Experienced Collaborative Law Attorney

There are getting to be a number of trained Collaborative Law attorneys in Texas and other places.  That's good because it gives clients more to choose from.  On the flip-side, it's sometimes hard for a party to figure out who to hire to help them through the process.

In a previous post, I wrote about how to choose an experienced Collaborative attorney.  Here are some reasons why you should want to hire an attorney with good Collaborative experience.

• Experienced attorneys start to recognize and understand different personality types.  This helps them in dealing with the parties in a case.  

• Attorneys with extensive Collaborative experience naturally have experience and confidence in the other team members.  Over time, Collaborative attorneys tend to work with the same attorneys and other professionals in different cases -- not in every case, but often.  That helps the professionals trust each other and work together effectively.

• With experience, attorneys become able to recognize problems early on.  They can then work with the other professionals to stop problems before them get too big.

• After a while, experienced attorneys begin to learn effective ways to resolve stand-offs.  Occasionally, parties will start to get stuck in negotiating and they would have a hard time working out a solution without the attorneys and other professionals.  Experienced Collaborative attorneys have often seen such problems before and usually can help the parties work their way out of the difficulty. 

• Experienced Collaborative attorneys are more understanding of their own clients.  The attorneys are often more sensitive to the feelings and concerns and can more readily help their clients when they start to get down or upset. 

If you are considering trying a Collaborative divorce, you should carefully examine the experience and training of the attorneys who practice Collaborative Law.  Getting one who is very experienced will pay off in the long run.

How to Tell Whether an Attorney is Experienced in Collaborative Law

As more people decide to give Collaborative a try in resolving their family law issues, clients are faced with having to choose among a number of attorneys who say they practice Collaborative Law.  Naturally, some attorneys have more Collaborative experience than other attorneys.

For the record, there is no "certification" for Collaborative Law in Texas.  If you see a claim that someone is "certified" in Collaborative Law in Texas, that attorney or other professional does not know what they are talking about.  You should look elsewhere for your representation.

In a later post, I will explain the advantages of using an experienced Collaborative attorney.  For now, I want to explain how to tell whether the attorney has good Collaborative experience.

Here are some things to look for:

1. Active work in Collaborative Law for a number of years. Someone who just got trained in the last year or two may be a good Collaborator, but would probably be better with experience. There's no substitute for having handled a lot of cases. This also shows a commitment to using the process.

2. Extensive training.  All Collaborative lawyers should have an initial two-day training to get the basics down.  Afterwards, attorneys should get training about every year.  There is no legal requirement for that, but training matters and getting advanced training helps with skills.

3. Speaking at public or training events.  This is another clue about who is keeping up to date and who knows about the field.  You can usually find this on web sites.

4. Leadership.  Someone who has acted as a leader in Collaborative Law groups and activities shows commitment to the use and expansion of the process.

5. Being a though leader.  Someone who writes about Collaborative Law usually understands the process, the problems, strategies and solutions.  Prospective clients also can read what has been written and decide if they like the attitude and approaches of the writer.

Looking for these signs will help you identify whether an attorney is an experienced Collaborative attorney.

What Happens at the 1st Joint Meeting?

Most of the first Joint Meetings in Collaborative cases follow the same pattern.  The purpose of the meeting is to make sure everyone starts out with the same understandings of the process, including the steps we follow and the obligations of each of the participants. 

At the 1st Joint Meeting, we don't do much case-specific work or make decisions on how to divide things up.  We wait until the proper time to do that.

Instead, we are building a foundation for the process to work in the case. It's essential, even though it can be a little boring! We all have to make the best of it.  The process gets more interesting later on.

Here's what generally happens:

• Introductions.  We usually introduce each of the professionals and each party.  We agree to use first names with each other so the process can be less formal.

•  Discuss the process. We usually go through the Roadmap to Resolution which outlines each step we follow in the process.  Normally, the neutral mental health professional goes over the Expectations of Conduct with the parties.  We want to be sure everyone really understands what we will be doing and how it works.

• Sign the Participation Agreement.  This is a relatively long document that is the underlying contract between the parties.  It sets out in great detail the rights and responsibilities of the each participant, including the attorneys and neutral professionals.  It tells how the process works. The Agreement also has a section that commits the parties to maintain the status quo on the finances and property involved in the case, similar to the Injunction typically issued in a litigated divorce. 

        We want everyone to understand the process, and commit to following the rules.

• Develop the goals for each party.   The parties work with their attorneys before the meeting and then explain the goals and needs they want to meet by the end of the process.  We set up targets so we can meet the specific needs of each party, instead of just asking for some arbitrary percentage of property or standard terms relating to the children.

• Deal with immediate concerns.  If there are issues that need to be resolved temporarily or immediately, we work together to help the parties.  Typically, these may be interim arrangements relating to the children, finances or housing.

• Schedule future meetings and homework.  We try to schedule at least a couple of Joint Meetings and some meetings with the parties to work with each of the neutral professionals before the next Joint Meeting.  Homework typically involves gathering financial records and information about the children.

If you need anything to be done at the first meeting that is not included above, please discuss that with your Collaborative attorney.

Is Collaborative Law a Good Fit for You?

In a recent blog post, Adryenn Cantor, a San Diego, CA attorney included an excellent list of five questions for people to ask themselves to determine if they are a good candidate for using Collaborative Law in a divorce case.  Here are her questions:

1. "Do you want to end your marriage with respect and integrity? 

2. Is taking a rational and fair approach to dividing your assets more important than seeing yourself as a winner and your spouse as the loser in this process?

3. Are your children the most important aspect in this process?

4.  Is saving money, which could go to you or your children more important than spending it on protracted litigation?

5.  Do you want to model for yourself, your spouse and your children how mature adults handle significant challenges?"

We Disagree Too Much to do Collaborative!

I recently heard this as a reason an attorney gave for not using Collaborative Law for a divorce.  Obviously the attorney was not really committed to using the Collaborative process to resolve disputes in divorces and other cases and I have to respectfully disagree.

1.  Litigation won't make the disagreements go away.  They just won't be resolved as well as they could have been in Collaborative. There will likely be more conflict.

• Without lawyers trained in problem-solving through Collaboration, the parties will probably have attorneys who go into the traditional steps of conflict-enhancing litigation.  There will probably be much less cooperation between the attorneys as compared to Collaborative attorneys. 
•  In addition, litigation doesn't provide for a therapist or a neutral financial advisor to help the parties create solutions and minimize conflict.
• When the parties can't reach agreements, the issues will probably ultimately be decided, at least in part, by standard guidelines and the judge's own biases.

2.  There's really not "too many disagreements" to use Collaborative.  There are simply better tools to use than litigation provides to handle all the problems. As long as the parties are open, honest and committed to reaching an agreement, Collaborative can be effective.

3.  Every family law case has a lot of disagreements.  We are talking about dispute resolution processes.  There's no reason to limit it to the easiest cases.  The process is not easy.  It requires patience and dedication, but it is a flexible framework that can handle very difficult and unusual cases.  I have seen the Collaborative Law process successfully resolve the following difficult issues:

• Adultery
• Job loss
• Alcohol abuse
• Mental disorders
• Conflicts over parenting styles
• Alienation allegations
• Custody fights
• Long-term illnesses
• Relocation

If an attorney or anyone else ever tells you that there are "too many disagreements" to use Collaborative Law, you need to get a second opinion from an experienced Collaborative lawyer.  Undoubtedly, the Collaborative lawyer will disagree with that assessment!

Can You Switch to Collaborative Law After You Start a Divorce?

The simple answer is "Yes"!  

Even if you started by using DIY forms and trying to do your own divorce, you can switch to Collaborative Law by getting Collaborative attorneys for both parties.

A divorce or other family law case can always be changed over from litigation to Collaborative Law at any time before a final order is signed.  That's true whether someone is trying to use some prepared forms without using attorneys or whether both sides have their own attorneys.

What you would need is for both parties to have their own Collaborative Law attorney.  Plus, there would probably need to be some re-orientation for the parties to adjust how they approach the case.  Focusing on needs and interests, rather than using arbitrary percentages or standard schedules, will require some adjustment.

How to get started?  The first requirement is for each party to have a Collaborative attorney.  That means that one or both parties might have to change attorneys.  It is very important to have a trained and experienced Collaborative Law lawyer.

Warning:  Some attorneys will try to get people in to discuss Collaborative Law and then actively discourage using it.  In reality, those attorneys don't do Collaborative cases.  If you go see an attorney who tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law even though you think you would like to use it, please do yourself a favor and get a second opinion.

How to Pick a Collaborative Attorney

If you have decided that you want to use Collaborative Law for your divorce, you will need to hire a Collaborative attorney. That's not necessarily an easy step because not all attorneys are trained in Collaborative Law.  You want to make sure you start off with a trained, experienced Collaborative lawyer.

Here are some quick keys for how to find and hire a Collaborative attorney.

1.  Make sure the attorney is actually trained in Collaborative Law.  An attorney, and the other professionals involved, actually need to have attended at least a two-day "basic training".  Some attorneys will try to claim that they can handle the case without it, but they will not do a good job for you.  In addition, the attorney should regularly attend trainings to continually update their skills.  From my observations over more than 10 years of Collaborative work, it is clear that the practice has evolved and changed over the time.  Attorneys need to keep up with new ideas.

2.  If an attorney tries to talk you out of Collaborative Law right off the bat, get a second opinion.  Unfortunately, there seem to be a lot of "bait and switch" attorneys who advertise that they handle Collaborative cases even though they usually haven't been trained. If someone comes in and wants to use Collaborative Law, the attorney immediately starts telling them all the reasons why it would be inappropriate.  If you get that treatment, get a second opinion.

3.  Ask about the attorney's experience in Collaborative Law cases.  Ask how long they have done Collaborative work.  Ask them to tell you some stories about how they got some good outcomes from it.  Ask what they like about Collaborative Law.  An experienced attorney can easily answer those questions.  A bait and switch attorney can't.

4.  Location.  Generally, you need a local attorney, from the county where you reside.  If there aren't many Collaborative attorneys in your county, check for an adjacent county.  Don't worry about where the attorney's office is.  I've had cases where all the meetings were at my office, some where all the meetings were at the other attorney's office, some were all at a neutral site and some were at a financial professional's office.  The location is always set up for the convenience of the parties.

5.  Good chemistry.  This is the intangible.  Make sure you have a good feeling about the attorney.  Trust your gut on whether this is the right attorney for you.

If you follow through with these suggestions, you should end up with a good Collaborative lawyer and hopefully a more peaceful divorce experience.

How to Start a Collaborative Divorce

Since Collaborative Law is still relatively new, many people may feel unsure about how to start the process.  It's actually very simple.

1.  Be sure you really want a divorce.  Counseling or a cooling off period may be helpful.  A divorce creates huge changes, which can be great in some cases, but divorces are usually difficult.  You should really think about this before you start.

2.  Learn a little about Collaborative Law.  You're doing that now.  You should probably read several blog posts and look at web sites to be sure you have a basic understanding.  Also, read information from the jurisdiction where you will be filing, because there are variations in Collaborative Law from state to state.  (The same would be true about litigation varying state to state.)

3.  Find a Collaborative lawyer in your jurisdiction. Your jurisdiction is the county where you live, such as Tarrant County, Texas. You can search online or you can ask friends, family and trusted advisers.  Call an attorney's office and ask for a recommendation.  Whatever referral you get, be sure to research online about the lawyer's experience in Collaborative Law.  The attorney should have had a two-day basic training (at least), and it would be wise to find an experienced Collaborative attorney who has had extensive training.

4.  Consult with the attorney.  Meet with the attorney and decide whether the chemistry is right.  If not, go see someone else.  If the attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law, go get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

5.  Talk with your spouse about how to proceed.  That can happen before you meet with the attorney, if you are on good terms with your spouse.  If you need to wait to tell your spouse until later, you and your attorney should try to figure out the best approach to meet your spouse's situation.  Keep in mind that you can't do a Collaborative divorce unless your spouse agrees to it and hires a Collaborative attorney.

6.  Your spouse hires a Collaborative attorney.  You can't control that aspect, but you can support and encourage your spouse to find the right attorney.  Your attorney can suggest several names of attorneys for your spouse to consider, if that would be helpful (sometimes it isn't!).

7.  The two attorneys have preliminary discussions.  They choose and contact a neutral mental health professional and a neutral financial professional to work on the case.  They usually have a conference with all the professionals to go over the background and issues of the case.  Then they schedule the first joint meeting.

8.  Attend the first joint meeting.  Everyone discusses the process and the Participation Agreement is reviewed and signed.  Usually, if there's time, the parties discuss their goals, needs and interests so everyone will know what needs to be accomplished in the process.  The next meeting is planned and information gathering assignments are made.

...   That's how you start a Collaborative divorce in North Texas.

What We Do and Don't Do in Collaborative Cases

If you are trying to decide whether to take a chance and try Collaborative Law, here are some things to think about.  Keep in mind that Collaborative Law may not work in every case or for everybody.  You and your attorney should carefully consider you, your spouse and the issues of the case.  Although Collaborative has a lot of attractive qualities, it may not work well in some circumstances. 

As you are analyzing your situation, here are some elements to focus on.

What We Do

• Focus on goals, needs and interests for all the parties.  This results in a very individualized approach that calls for more thought than typically goes into a Family Law case.  Even if you end up in litigation, it will be helpful to your attorney for you to be able to articulate what's truly important to you.  In Collaborative, we spend time helping the parties identify and clearly state their goals, needs and interests, and then we rely on them to establish our targets in settling the case.
• Use an organized gathering of information.  The parties cooperate and share information.  We focus on the essential information instead of using a "shotgun" approach.  In litigation, there are often requests for both sides to produce the same information and some information that really won't be helpful in resolving the case.
• Incorporate unique and creative solutions.  We try out new ideas and are unlimited by traditional or standard rules and approaches.  We are not bound to follow the standard "guidelines" in the Family Code, although we may choose to use them.
• Reach agreements while preserving relationships.  That is especially beneficial when there are children involved.  Using two well-trained attorneys and a neutral mental health professional makes this possible.
• Improve the communication skills of the parties.   There is a great emphasis on learning to listen and communicate respectfully and effectively and the mental health professional helps the parties.

What We Don't Do

• Use standard guidelines as the answer.  We can consider them, but we can be flexible and come up that solutions that fit.
• Use "positional bargaining".  We don't stake out extreme positions and negotiate to reach a settlement in the middle.  We focus on the actual needs of the parties.
• Go for 50% or some other arbitrary share of everything.  Again, we focus on the actual needs and interests of the parties.
• Attack each other.  The parties learn to communicate effectively so they can reach agreements.  Attacking drives the parties farther apart and usually ends up costing everyone a lot more.
• Engage in game-playing in discovery.  We identify the information we need and then arrange for the person best able to furnish it to bring it to the neutral professional to organize it.  Game-playing and deception also cost the parties more money.

 When you are deciding whether to use Collaborative Law, do some research, think about it and talk it over with your lawyer.  Maybe these points will help you decide if it would fit your circumstances.  Good luck!

Should I Use Collaborative Law in an Uncontested Divorce?

First, we need to understand what an "Uncontested Divorce" really is.  There are two common definitions which reflect different points of view.

 A party to the divorce may say that the spouses have agreed to have an uncontested divorce. That usually means that the parties both want, or at least will agree, to be divorced.  Very often, though, there is no agreement on the terms of the divorce.

For a lawyer, an uncontested divorce is one where the parties both agree to be divorced and they agree on all the terms of the divorce.  That means that they have agreed on custody, child support, visitation, property division, payment of debts, the possibility of spousal support or not,  tax issues and any other matters.  If any of those issues have not been agreed upon, it is not an uncontested divorce, according to the lawyers.

The Answer:

If your situation is the second example and everything already is agreed, you don't really need to use the Collaborative process.  If all terms have already been worked out, then you don't need to spend the money on a team of professionals to go over the agreement.  

On the other hand, if one or more of the issues remain in negotiation, then it may be worthwhile to use Collaborative Law.  If you both want to get divorced, but can't agree on some issues, that's a good situation for the use of Collaborative Law.

Alternative Situation:

If one person wants the divorce and the other doesn't, Collaborative Law may be a very good means to work things out.  Keep in mind that if one person wants a divorce and the other party doesn't, eventually a court will grant the divorce. Collaborative Law would be a good alternative because it is less destructive than litigation on family relationships and it can lead to mutually agreeable solutions.