Does Shared Parenting Require an Amicable Relationship?

Joint custody is easy to imagine where the parents get along even after splitting up.  What about the significant number of cases where the parents don't like each other?  How can they work together in a shared custody arrangement?

Texas law provides a presumption that parents should be in a joint custody relationship, although that does not mean 50-50 time sharing or any other particular arrangement.  Joint managing conservatorship, the legalese term, is just a title.  The real meaning comes from how the time is shared between parents and how the powers, rights and duties of parents are shared between parents.

So how can parents share parenting if they can't get along?  It's certainly more difficult than when the parties like or tolerate each other.  There are some ways to approach such a situation to assure successful co-parenting.

1.  Focus on the kids first, not the parents.  Try to keep the children's lives has unchanged as possible, keeping in mind that their needs will constantly evolve as they age.  Mainly, don't think in "ownership" terms about "my time" or "my children".  Put the focus on what the children need or want and how they can best be attended to.  Don't make it a control fight between parents.

2.  Add structure.  Sometimes locking down schedules and responsibilities takes away the need or opportunity to pick fights between parents.  If everything is clearly defined in court orders, that should help avoid or minimize the conflict.

3.  Model good behavior.  In the long run, the children will benefit if at least one parent models good behavior.  Hopefully, the other parent will start to follow suit.  If not, keep a stiff upper lip and be the better person.  It's good for the kids.

4.  Practice good communication with the other parent.  Don't be argumentative.  Don't make derogatory  comments about the other parent.  Stick to the facts.  Don't worry about blame.  If there are problems, just fix them.  Be on time and be polite.

5.  Take a class on co-parenting.  Many courts require such a class.  It's best to take a class in person (your attorney can help you find a good one), but you can also take one on line.  It would be great for both parents to take the same class, but it's still good if just one takes the class.  And, as is true in many other matters, refresher classes in the future would be helpful also!

Regardless of how well you get along with the other parent, hopefully you can find some common ground around the children and learn to work together.  Good luck!

Can Collaborative Law Work for a Custody Case?

There is a common misconception that Collaborative Law will only work, or will work best, when the parties start out in "near agreement" with each other.  In other words, it works if the parties are very agreeable people and are close to a settlement.  Actually, Collaborative Law works well for major disputes, including alimony, property division and special needs, as well as custody and visitation.  Collaborative is a problem-solving process which is not limited or intended for just the easy cases.

In reality, Collaborative Law is excellent for tough issues, such as custody.  Here's why it works:

1.  Collaborative Law focuses on the underlying needs of both parties.  Even if both parties start out saying they want "custody", the professionals immediately ask questions such as what custody means to each party, what precisely each really wants and why they want that.  Often that digging will lead to alternatives that can accommodate the true needs of each party.

2.  Collaborative separates custody from finances.  In litigation, it is fairly common for one parent to go for custody as a strategy to win financial concessions.  It is not easy to sustain that insincere approach in a Collaborative case where there's a Mental Health Professional (MHP) and sometimes a Child Specialist.  Custody issues are managed by focusing on each parent's true interests and the best interests of the children.  There's no overlap with finances to give unfair leverage to one of the parties.

3.  In Collaborative cases, we utilize the MHP for better behavior and communication.  In litigation, the parties are free to act up and try to manipulate or bully or pressure each other.  It happens all the time.  In Collaboration, the MHP works with both parties to maintain a civil, respectful approach and to learn to listen and communicate better.  That's just not done in litigation.

4.  Collaborative Law cases (in Fort Worth/ Tarrant County) will also bring in a Child Specialist in some cases.  The Specialist is a neutral expert who helps the parties create plans for how they will share time and responsibilities for children.  They focus not just on their own desires, but also consider what is best for the children.  In litigation, it often just turns into a tug-of-war over the kids.

5.  Collaborative allows the parties to consider or create "non-guideline" solutions. In litigation, if the parties can't come to an agreement, the judge will usually impose guideline child support and guideline visitation.  Those standard solutions are pretty good, but they don't fit all situations.  When the parties can come up with pretty much any arrangement they want, they not only are more satisfied with the immediate results, but they tend to not fight as much in the future.

Not every case can be effectively handled by Collaborative Law, but custody cases can almost always benefit from the process. Don't write off the process yourself.  Check with a trained, active, experienced Collaborative lawyer to find out if it might work for you.  Before you get started, talk with a qualified attorney to see if Collaborative would be a good fit for your case.

Making Child Custody Decisions

Divorce can be very difficult emotionally. Powerful feelings can get stirred up when discussing custody arrangements or a change in custody. Getting into a custody fight can be one of the most expensive, emotionally draining and destructive things someone can do. That’s true whether it is an initial custody determination or a subsequent modification or change of custody. A custody fight is often as damaging for the children as it is for the adults. For those who want a more civilized means of resolving such disagreements, consider the following advantages of Collaborative Law.

1. Collaborative Law puts the focus on the real underlying goals of the parties. Sometimes people ask for primary custody when they really want something else, such as to be included in major decision-making, to get more time with the children or to have a different schedule with the children. There could be any number of truly important issues, but a parent may think that seeking primary custody is the only way to meet their needs. The professionals in a Collaborative case help the parties dig deep and understand their most important goals and don’t let them approach the matter superficially. Better solutions are possible when the parties are focused on the right issues.

2. Collaborative Law is a process that encourages the parties and attorneys to bring needed neutral expert helpers to assist the parties identify their goals, discover various options and select appropriate solutions that tie in to their goals, needs and interests. Child experts can be brought in to work with both parties and help them develop unique plans to fit their circumstances.

3. The parties can be more creative in a Collaborative case. In a traditional litigation case, the attorneys, parties and judges normally just default to the standard guidelines for child support and visitation, as well as standard divisions of parental rights, powers and duties. Those can be considered in a Collaborative case, but it is just as useful to see the variety of guidelines developed by various other states’ laws. All of that information can be combined and refined with additional original ideas, to come up with custom plans to meet the parents’ needs. A plan can be developed that preserves and utilizes the strengths of each party.

4. Collaborative Law is an ideal environment to set up a temporary test arrangement or transition to try out one or more plans for changes. The parties can set up temporary plans and let experts help evaluate their success as well as suggest refinements. There doesn’t have to be just one final decision made after a contentious build-up. Changes can be made gradually or temporarily. New adjustments can be easily made since the parties control the timing and procedure of the process. Collaborative Law is a much more flexible process than litigation.

5. Most importantly for many people, using the Collaborative approach allows the parties to preserve peace and family relationships. Everyone works cooperatively. There is less competition between the sides when the stakes are changed from "winner take all". The children really come out ahead when they see their parents getting along and speaking of and to each other in friendly terms.

Experience has shown that creative and successful plans can be developed through using the Collaborative approach. In matters involving children, it makes sense to use the best approach available, which is usually Collaborative Law.