The Need for Patience

Many people take quite a long time deciding whether or not to get divorced. That's normal and probably a good thing. It is such an important decision that we shouldn't jump into it lightly.

However, once they make the commitment to divorce, many of these people become anxious to get it over with.

As unwelcome as the news is, sometimes people just have to be patient. The Collaborative Divorce process takes time and it may take time for the other party to become comfortable with the prospect of divorce, which may have been unexpected. 

So, we often have one person who was slow to decide initially who is now in a hurry, while the spouse is unprepared and slow to adjust to a new reality of divorce. The different speeds of people can create conflict.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with that friction between the parties.

1.  Most importantly, the "speedier" person needs to be able to honestly explain why speed is important.  There may be good reasons which everyone can understand.

• The person may be moving or starting a new job.
• The person may be in a new relationship. That's often not a popular explanation until the second party is emotionally in the same place. Patiently waiting to discuss that is usually a virtue.
• The person may want to end the financial drain of a divorce. Divorces aren't cheap. Even a Collaborative Divorce is somewhat expensive. It's probably in everyone's best interest to not drag out the divorce with continuing meetings (which is similar to the desire to stop court hearings in litigation).
• The person may be ready to start over fresh.
• Any divorce is emotionally stressful (although Collaborative Divorces are usually less stressful than litigated ones). It makes sense that getting out of the stressful situation may be a priority.
• At some point, almost everyone is ready to get out of a difficult or uncomfortable situation just to get out of limbo.  The uncertainty of a continuing divorce can be draining.

2.  Both parties need to recognize that a divorce process, even Collaborative Divorce, takes time. It cannot and generally should not be a speedy process because people need to be thoughtful about such important issues for their lives.

3.  Each party should accept that their spouse may need time to adjust or prepare. Be kind and be patient and you will be rewarded.

4.  Be sure there is time for each party to be heard. Sometimes just having an opportunity to speak up and explain things can be very beneficial. In Collaborative Divorces, we work on improving communication between and parties. A big part of that is learning to be a good listener.

5.  Finally, both parties need to recognize that their assumptions about how fast the process should work may be wrong. Each case is different and each person is different, so timing will vary from case to case.

Having experienced Collaborative professionals involved in the case should ease some of the stress, including the speed stress. You should have a good discussion with your attorney about your needs, your assumptions and your spouse's position on the speed of the case.  Together you should figure out how to balance the desires for a quicker or slower process so that neither party is over-stressed.

The overall best advice on the topic:  Be Patient!

Why Can't We Move Faster?

For many people, it seems like Collaborative cases should move very quickly.  These are generally parties who are emotionally ready for the divorce.  Most people go through several stages of emotions, when facing divorce -- anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance -- in various orders and degrees.  If they get a head start on their spouse and have reached a point where they are ready to be divorced, they often become impatient.  Then, they frequently have trouble putting up with a process that moves deliberately.

Here are some reasons why the Collaborative Law process may slow down.

1.  Collaborative cases can only go as fast as the slower party wants to go.  If one person isn't emotionally ready to be divorced, the process will have to move slowly.  We will follow the steps of the process, but it will be difficult to finish until both parties are ready.

2.  We need time between meetings.  We actually get a lot of work done between joint meetings.  Information is gathered and organized.  Parties and professionals have time to reflect on what's going on at meetings and to plan what to do at the future meetings.  The parties and attorneys meet or talk about the issues and consider different options. Getting work done between joint meetings saves time when we all get together.

3.  Scheduling is complicated.  With at least 6 people involved, it's hard to quickly have one meeting after another.

In the end, speed is a relative concept.  What seems fast to someone not ready for a divorce may seem very slow to someone ready to get married to a new spouse or to start over as a single person.  However, generally, a Collaborative divorce with issues to be decided can move much quicker than a contested divorce.  If someone is judging the Collaborative process against the minimum waiting period of 60 days in Texas, any time exceeding 60 days seems very slow.  Unfortunately, that's the wrong standard for comparison.  If you think the process is dragging, please discuss with your attorney how long your divorce might take if you were litigating it.  I'll bet you will feel better with Collaborative Law.

Is Collaborative Law Faster than Litigation?

Is Collaborative Law faster?  Usually, BUT it's not necessarily "fast".

The Collaborative process is deliberate.  We follow a Roadmap that is logical and efficient.

• At our first joint meeting, we usually explain the process, make sure everyone understands it and then get a firm commitment from everyone to follow the process.  We also discuss the goals and expectations of each party.

• The next step is gathering information.  Financial information is gathered by the neutral financial professional (FP).  Information about children's issues, if any, is gathered by the neutral mental health professional (MHP).

• After we have the information to work with, we develop options to consider.  

• The final step is to discuss and negotiate to an agreement.

Other considerations.  

• We always have to remember that we can't go faster than the slower party is willing to go.  There are different levels of emotional readiness for divorce.  It is fairly common for one party to have been thinking and planning for the divorce for a long time.  That party is over the marriage and often is very anxious to get the divorce over with.  On the other hand, the other party may be taken by surprise and may need quite a while to adjust if the first spouse kept everything a secret.

• Sometimes, some preparation is needed to transition out of a marriage.  In most Collaborative cases, the parties prepare budgets to help them make financial decisions.  That takes some time.  A house may need to be sold, refinanced or transferred to one party. It may take a while to divide certain assets.  With children, there may need to be planning about how and when to tell them or how to manage the sharing of the parenting post-divorce.  One party may need to find a job and/or get spousal support for some period of time.

• There may be other reasons to delay final action on the divorce, including health, family obligations, job obligations, housing issues, etc.  Usually things can be wrapped up fairly quickly, but it could take a few months.  For someone very anxious to get the divorce over with, that can seem like a lifetime.

Comparison to litigation.  In litigation, there are numerous things that can delay progress.  Overall, the parties are looking at 9 months or more to reach a final trial in a contested case.  This is because the parties typically have to deal with:

• Temporary hearings
• Other hearings
• Discovery
• Preparation of an Inventory and Appraisement
• Scheduling order from the Court
• Mediation deadline just before trial
• Trial date 9 months or more away.

What sometimes happens is one party has been thinking about the divorce for a long time,  without telling the other party.  When the divorce gets started, the first party is immediately ready for the process to be over because he/she has thought it over and planned everything for months.  The other party is surprised and unprepared and needs time to collect his/her thoughts and then begin making plans.

In a Collaborative case, the party who plans ahead feels like the process is moving very slowly.  The other party feels the opposite.  Gradually, the second party gets up to speed, but it may take a while.  

Even if it does seem slow at first, the Collaborative process will almost always move much faster than a litigated divorce.
 

Patience Please!

Sometimes, people get anxious to get their divorce over with.  That's understandable.  Divorce is stressful, difficult and often unpleasant.  It's usually not a good experience, unless you and your spouse both are still cordial with each other and both want to move fairly quickly through the process.  Even if things start out well, try not to be in too big a hurry.

Reduce Your Expectations
Wherever you are on the scale of urgency and on the quality of the remaining relationship with your spouse,  you should keep in mind the following: 

The divorce or Collaborative process doesn't work like your business.  There's input from several directions and we have emotion playing a major role.  A good business may operate efficiently and have some degree of objectivity.  Neither condition applies to divorce.

Your perspective and your spouse's perspective will probably be distorted.  You are both anxious about what is happening and your emotions will jump in and mess things up. 

There are no clear, absolute rules.  You may get tired of hearing it, but Collaborative Law involves a lot of choices and options.  We avoid relying on standardized solutions that are quick to apply, but often don't fit well.

Emotion distorts reasoning.  Divorce and Collaborative Law are not purely logical.  We have people involved, so logic is often distorted or abandoned.  Just because something is reasonable (to you), it doesn't mean that everyone will agree with it.

Divorce is rarely simple.  As easy as you might think your case should be, talk with your attorney for a reality check.  It's never simple.


What To Do? 
Be prepared.  That will help move the process along.

Be cooperative.  That makes the process easier for everyone.

Be on time.  Waiting for information or for steps to be completed can slow down everyone and create friction.

Be realistic.  Listen to your attorney and the other professionals.

Keep things in perspective.  Think about the big picture.  Make some concessions where you can so you can get what you want elsewhere.


Bottom Line:  Be Patient!

How to Speed Up the Collaborative Law Process

For many different reasons, people going through the Collaborative Law process are anxious to settle their cases quickly.  It may be to save money, to stop the pain and stress from the end of a relationship or just the desire to start another chapter in their life.  Whatever the motivation, the parties often are in a hurry to get it over with.

In the interest of speeding up the process, here are some things you can do if you are a party to a Collaborative divorce.

1. Be available for meetings.  Be flexible with your schedule.  It sounds simple, but one of the top reasons for delays is the difficulty in getting three, five or six people together when they are all available.  On the other hand, if your schedule is extremely difficult to manage, Collaborative may be a better process for you simply because you have very little control over scheduling in a litigated case. 
2. Gather information and documents early.  You and your spouse will need to provide detailed and up-to-date information on your children and your finances.  If you have it together early, in an organized fashion, that will save time.
3.  Be agreeable.  You don't have to rollover and agree to everything your spouse suggests, but you can be pleasant and pick and choose only the truly significant issues to have extended discussions on.  If there are a lot of important issues that you need resolved, then be realistic.  It's going to take a while to work them out.  Don't expect your spouse to just agree to anything and everything you propose.  Be realistic.
4. Be ready.  Show up for meetings.  Don't put them off, unless it is unavoidable.  Be prepared for the meetings.  When you get assignments to work on aspects of the case, be responsible and get things done.  If you can't complete your task, let everyone know ahead of time.  You might reschedule the meeting to avoid wasting time.  Generally, if you are concerned about speeding up the process, do your share -- on time!
5. Follow the rules and the steps of the process.  At the first joint meeting (the one that often seems boring and unnecessary if you are in a hurry), we go over the steps we follow in the process (usually referred to as the "Roadmap to Resolution") and we discuss how everyone should act in the meetings.  If everyone behaves well and follows  the steps of the process, we can move along pretty quickly.

Keep in mind that Collaborative Law is NOT meant to be a FAST  process.  But, it is more civilized, less stressful, more efficient, private and set up for the parties to create a solution from their own decision-making.  If you follow the above suggestions, you will also operate as quickly as is possible.

How Fast is Collaborative Law?

Here's a quick answer.

• The Collaborative Law process is NOT FAST.  When you are dealing with significant assets and important family relationships, it is not prudent to make snap decisions.  When there are important matters to decide, be prepared to take an appropriate amount of time to analyze the situation and then come to a decision.  This is not a short-cut process where we guess about things and seriously consider other options.  If you are in a huge hurry, don't waste your time on Collaborative.

• Collaborative Law is probably/usually faster than litigation.  The key information is that most contested litigated cases take a long time to resolve.  They often take a year or more.  Collaborative cases are almost always resolved much quicker than that.  On the other hand, if the case if very complicated, the parties have special needs to be addressed or family events get in the way (marriage, death, job loss, etc.), the process can be drawn out.  In most cases, however, Collaborative will be FASTER (although not fast).

•  It's not really possible to compare how a case would turn out in Collaborative Law versus how it would run in litigation.  We can't get the facts of your case and then tell you with any accuracy how it would play out in each process.  Once a case starts in either process, new events change the facts and attitudes, and decisions are made based on changing circumstances.  Each decision leads us down a different path.  Both processes involve us continually making new decisions, based on new facts and new perspectives, resulting in us going in new directions.  Cases  aren't handled the same ways in both processes, so there's no easy comparison between them.  Similarly, you can't compare your Collaborative case to someone else's Collaborative case, just like no two litigated cases are the same.

While I stand by the conclusion that Collaborative Law is not FAST, I still believe it is the best process for resolving family law issues for a great number of people.  If you have concerns about what the best approach is for you to take, consult with a Collaborative Law trained lawyer.  We don't recommend the process for everyone, but it might be a good fit for you!

Why Is It Taking So Long? (Part 2)

In part one of this topic, we pointed out that Collaborative Law usually doesn't take as long as a significant, contested litigation case. In addition, there are some reasons why Collaborative cases require a number of meetings.

When you are the person attending the meetings, doing the homework and meeting with your attorney and the neutral mental health professional (MHP) and the neutral financial professional (FP), it can seem like a very slow process. You stay busy and it may seem like one meeting after another, with no end in sight. In reality, there are good reasons for being methodical and following through with the process. Here are some of the reasons:

1. People need time to process information. No matter how educated or experienced you and your spouse may be in financial and child-related issues, it will take each of you different lengths of time to process the information relating to the issues in the case. Not very many people are comfortable making instant decisions on important personal financial and family issues. There are usually many options and even more considerations for each party.

2. One spouse is usually farther ahead emotionally in the divorce process than the other spouse. That means that the parties and professionals are often slowed down to wait on the less-farther-along spouse to get comfortable with changes in his/her life. It is not uncommon for one spouse to have checked out of the marriage months or years before filing, while the other spouse is clueless. The clueless one will need time to catch up, and that necessarily slows down the process because things have to be done by agreement.

3. It often takes a while to gather information. While one spouse is often very familiar with the financial issues, for example, the other spouse may be very unfamiliar with them, so extra care is taken to educate the other spouse. In addition, the FP may want to review documents that take a while to obtain, such as retirement account plans and summaries, for example. Some issues relating to the children may need to be sought out, especially if there are special needs.

4. The parties need time to come up with creative solutions. Some issues are complicated and sometimes there are multiple significant issues. The parties and professionals need to create appropriate solutions and sometimes that's just a slow process. In some situations, the parties decide they need more information or more expert advice, which adds to time commitment.

5. It is usually necessary to limit the meetings to no more than two hours each. The parties and professionals get tired and that can lead to conflict or one party shutting down. There's no reason for the parties to get into a marathon negotiation session. That's often the way mediations are conducted, and it's often a problem. When there is a complicated estate or significant assets, there's a lot to cover and the discussions shouldn't be superficial. In such a stressful environment, people can operate effectively for only about two hours at a time.

The amount of time it takes to do a Collaborative case should not be an issue if you keep in mind that litigation would almost always take longer and there are good reasons why Collaborative Law cases take longer than you might initially expect.

Hold Your Horses!

One of the biggest challenges in Collaborative Law is impatience. Sometimes, after the parties learn about the process and commit to using it, they suddenly grow very anxious to have the matter resolved. Even when the attorneys and other professionals explain the standard approach of five steps (set goals, gather information, identify issues, brainstorm and negotiate to resolution), some parties almost immediately forget about the first four or five steps and want to start the final negotiations without doing some or all of the preliminary steps.

Even when the parties and professionals spend valuable time establishing and clarifying the goals, needs and interests of each party, they are often quickly forgotten. Being very close to the issues, the parties often insist that they want the process to be completed in a very short time. They become very impatient and are often motivated by wanting to save money by "streamlining" meetings and taking shortcuts. The easiest and most logical way to do that is to independently come up with a suitable settlement. The party creating it usually becomes convinced that the plan is not only logical and inevitable, but it is the best for both parties. Occasionally, that is true, but more often the plan is unacceptable to the other party. Usually, the plan is conceived by one party only and is evaluated from only one perspective. It becomes a very uncollaborative process as one or both parties become motivated by quickly obtaining a result and finishing the settlement.

The Collaborative process works best when the parties follow the standard five steps. Sometimes that slows down the process from one side's perspective, but the other side is usually happy with the pace and especially with having input into the information gathering and the decision-making. It can be very helpful for the professionals to repeatedly remind the parties of the need to follow the standard structure of the process. Another helpful idea is for the professionals to explain how long the alternative, the litigation system, takes in common types of cases in that locale. A three-month long Collaborative case sounds quick when compared to a litigated case which usually takes about a year or more in Tarrant County, Texas.

A solution is much more likely when both parties contribute at every stage. That often means that one party believes the process moves too slowly. That cannot be avoided since the process will only move as fast as the slower participant. Usually, one party is moving more slowly through the emotional stages of a divorce and there is not any way to force the party to speed up the processing of the feelings and experiences.

If one party pushes the process and the other party to speed up a settlement through Collaborative Law, the result will often be complete failure of the effort to reach an agreement. If the parties will slow down, adjust their expectations and just work with the Collaborative professionals, they generally will reach an agreement.