Introducing Parents' New Boyfriends or Girlfriends

One of the significant benefits of using Collaborative Law and including a child specialist is that the parties can make thoughtful and appropriate decisions about how to best introduce their children to new adults in the parents' lives. Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog has had two recent posts on the topic of visitation, children and sleep overs. There are no uniform rules on having boyfriends or girlfriends of a parent spend the night after a divorce has been granted or stating when and how the children should be introduced to such a new friend.

My suggestion about dating while the divorce is pending is to wait until after the divorce is granted. I had posts on that topic in 2007 and 2008.

The Problem: Assuming that the divorce is now granted, there are still important issues to be dealt with regarding introducing new romantic interests to the children. Collaborative Law provides a forum to have thoughtful discussions about what would be best for the children. While a selfish parent might want the freedom to bring new boyfriends or girlfriends around the children without restriction, a more mature approach involves taking into account the age, emotional state and the maturity of the children in deciding when and how to introduce them to a new "special friend". This should not be just an opportunity to flout one's independence and attractiveness in front of an ex-spouse. Some parents might enjoy showing off their new dating partner in front of the kids and possibly the ex-spouse, but the parents should be looking more long term.

The Effect on Children: Having experienced their parents' divorce, kids may be a little unsettled for a while. They need stability, predictability and safety. They want to know that they can depend on their parents and that neither parent will be abandoning the children. Bringing around a new significant other in the first few months after the divorce can create worry on the part of the children. They may wonder if the parent will be leaving the kids again and going away with a possible new spouse. It can also cut into the time the children could have been spending with their parent.

Solutions: An important feature of Collaborative Law, as practiced in Fort Worth and Tarrant County, is that we usually bring in a neutral child specialist to work with the parties. Having an experienced professional looking out for the children's best interests really helps the parties reach appropriate agreements and avoid deadlocks.

The good news is that Collaborative Law enables the parties to directly address the issue and put a plan in place to protect the children, to the extent it is needed. For example, the parties may agree to not introduce, for 6 months or a year, the children to someone the parent is dating. Since the odds of the parent breaking up with a dating partner within 6 -- 12 months are pretty high, the kids are kept away from an unstable lifestyle at a time when they may be a little fragile. In a litigated divorce in Texas, there is virtually no chance that such an agreement would be imposed by a judge and there wouldn't be much incentive for the parties to agree on that on their own.

Conclusion: Collaborative Law clearly provides a better opportunity to protect the children and assist in a safe and smooth transition from the intact family to two families. Using a child specialist and crafting an agreement that covers all aspects of introducing new adults into the children's lives is a smart way to help ensure the safety and health of the children.

5 Tips on How to Tell the Kids

One of the hardest things to do in a divorce is to break the news to the children. In some cases, the kids may strongly suspect what's going on and they may actually welcome the change, but in a great number of cases, it is a very emotional time for parents and children. To help deal with the issue, here are 5 tips to help you tell the children in the best way possible in your situation.

1. Work together. If the parents can make a joint announcement, in person, it can be a little reassuring to the children even though they may hate the message. Showing that the parents can still work together, even when they are splitting up, will help. Be sure that the parents are saying the same things and are coordinated with each other. Both parents should plan what to say and work together to carry it out. They should avoid getting into an argument and they don't need to go into great detail about fault or other adult issues.

2. Work with a Mental Health Professional (MHP). In Fort Worth and Tarrant County Collaborative cases, and in many other areas, MHPs help the parents know what to say and how to say it. Sometimes parents can come up with appropriate messages, but often they don't have a clue, even when they are trying to soften the blow to the children. An MHP can help put together a discussion that fits the children's development and needs. Think though the scene and be prepared for a bad reaction from the children. Learn what to expect and how to respond to various reactions.

3. Timing is Important. Think about what else is going on in the child's life. If the children are at finals time, or near some athletic or other extra-curricular event that they participate in, it may be better to wait to tell them. Pay attention to holidays, health and school. Don't break the news when the kids either can't handle it or when getting them upset will lead to bad consequences outside of the divorce issues. Telling the children just before or during a major holiday or family event can create a very unhappy association for the child. Try to make the announcement a little ways before or after the holiday.

4. Reassure your Children. Make it very clear that your decision to get a divorce is not based on something the kids did or didn't do -- it's not their fault. Make sure the children know that they didn't do anything wrong. And the children should understand that there's nothing they can do to "fix" the problem. Reassurance also includes having both parents demonstrate to the kids that both parents still love them. Spend time with them, listen to their concerns and respond helpfully. Show them your relationship and commitment to them remain strong.

5. Give the Children Reason to be Hopeful. Explain the good things that can come from a divorce (even though you may have a hard time with what you are doing). Again, working with an MHP is probably a necessary part of creating a hopeful message for the children. Depending on their ages, the children may get excited to learn about a new home where they will have their own room, new play arrangements, etc. Older kids may appreciate having two homes with less fighting. Find some good that will come from the divorce and focus on that. If you can't come up with anything good, get help from the MHP or your family or friends. Even if you don't want the divorce, you can find something good to come out of it.

Note: Your best opportunity, IMHO, to tell the kids, in a less damaging manner, about an upcoming divorce is by opting for Collaborative Law and working with a mental health professional to prepare a joint announcement that fits the needs and abilities of the children.

Collaborative Law is Good for Children

The Science Daily headline from May 8, 2008 contained the full message: "After Divorce, Stable Families Help Minimize Longterm Harm to Children".

One of the best things about Collaborative Law is that it encourages and relies on cooperation between the parents. Co-parenting skills are often taught and sometimes a child specialist works with both parents in creating a parenting plan that provides stability and access for everyone. Avoiding a tug-of-war contest between parents is really beneficial. Add to that planning and forethought, and a healthy environment can be maintained or created for the children.

The Science Daily article discussed a study at Ohio State University. "The study compared children who grew up in three different situations:

• Children who grew up in always-married households (5,303 children).
• Children whose parents divorced before the study began, but who lived in a stable family structure between ages 14 and 18(954 children).
• Children whose parents divorced prior to the beginning of the study, and whose family situation changed once or twice between ages 14 and 18(697 children).

"In the two divorced family groups, children may have lived in single-parent families or ones with a stepparent. The key for this research was whether that arrangement – whichever it was -- changed between ages 14 and 18).

"The researchers compared how children in these groups fared on measures of education, income and poverty in 2000 when they were 26.

"Results showed that young adults who grew up in stable post-divorce families had similar chances of attending college and living in poverty compared to those from always married families. But they fared less well on measures of the highest degree obtained, occupational prestige and income.

"However, the young adults who lived in unstable family situations after their parents divorced did worse on all measures. In fact, they fared more than twice as poorly on most measures compared to their peers who had stable family situations."

Here's my interpretation and opinion:

Although there have been no scientific, long-term studies about the effects of a Collaborative divorce on the children, it is reasonable to surmise, considering the Ohio State study, that the Collaborative skills used by the parents to produce an agreement will often or even usually carry over to the post-divorce lives of the parents and children. Clearly, one of the most important advantages of Collaborative Law is that it enables the spouses to maintain important family relationships on relatively good terms in spite of the divorce. That will help create a more stable atmosphere for the children.

In addition, the parties may be better off financially after a Collaborative divorce as compared to a typical litigated one. While we really can't compare the costs of a divorce with the cost of how a divorce might have been (too many variables), it appears that there can be some savings in a Collaborative approach because of the cooperation and avoidance of unnecessary busy-work steps. The result is that the parties often are going to be not as financially devastated as they are in a typical litigated divorce. Starting post-divorce life in better financial shape will make it easier to be financially stable, which can be a major part of overall family stability.

My conclusion: Collaborative Law will encourage and enable a safer, more stable environment for children after a divorce, and that's certainly better for the children in terms of education, income and poverty.

Thanks to Jeffrey Lalloway of the California Divorce and Family Law blog for the mention of the Ohio State Study.