Is Your Long-Term Marriage Ending?

 

If you have been married for a long time or you are over 50 years of age and you are facing a divorce, you need to get active to protect yourself.  You have some big changes ahead of you.

Even if this is a surprise or your spouse is doing the wrong thing, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.  You will need help and support from others, but you can't sit back and wait to be rescued.

As you are getting acclimated to your situation, here are some steps you can take.

1. Work on a budget. As hard as it may be, you need to figure out your essential needs and how much they will cost. Obviously, you need to think about how to pay them. Don't worry about being perfect. Just start on figuring out the finances so you can see what your needs are.

2. Think about jobs. You may already have a job. If so, will your income stretch to cover your bills? If you don't have a job, what can you do to make a living?  You might have to take a part-time job if nothing is immediately available for you. Consider your income and needs, job qualifications and time schedule. If you have children at home, you will need to figure in your time commitment to them.

3. Be open to changing homes.  Should you keep or sell the house? What can you afford? Do you need to be near the kids, grandkids, work or friends? Some people don't want to move, but really can't afford to pay for the house they are currently in. Even if the other party is at fault, there's no guarantee you get to keep the house (or that you should!).

4. See a counselor. We can refer you to some excellent counselors who can help you try to make sense of  divorce. It's better in the long run for you to get quality help.

5.Consider Collaborative Divorce.  Divorces often have complicated issues that are better resolved over a period of time with some thoughtful creativity. You shouldn't be eager for an uninterested judge to make random decisions about your life. Wouldn't you rather work with qualified people and consider a wider range of options?  You should at least visit with an experienced Collaborative attorney.

[If you go see a "Collaborative" attorney who just tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, do yourself a favor and get a second opinion. Unfortunately, some attorneys advertise as Collaborative, but only use that to draw you in. Then they convince people to go back to litigation -- usually because that attorney doesn't do Collaborative cases after all.]

How to Protect Yourself in Divorce Over 50

As Baby Boomers reach middle age and beyond, many will experience a divorce occurring late in life.  That timing can create special problems.  Getting a routine divorce and splitting everything in half may seem like an acceptable outcome, but it may not be.

My suggestion is to look into using Collaborative Law.  Because a Collaborative divorce is focused on the goals and needs of the parties, you will automatically be starting in a better position. Rather than mechanically dividing everything in half, Collaborative gives you the opportunity to craft a customized divorce agreement that can benefit both parties.  Do yourself a favor and talk with a Collaborative attorney before you get started.

Here are some suggestions if you are facing a "gray divorce":

1.  Don't blow things up.  Don't start off by attacking your spouse or trying to punish him/her for past transgressions.  Your aggressive moves will probably be met by equally aggressive moves and things will escalate.  You will be much  better off, and save money, if you don't start off in battle mode.

2.  Work with a counselor.  This is a good way to keep a lid on it.  A therapist can help you deal with the natural anger that often occurs in divorce.  Having a rational, experienced person on your side to listen to you vent and to make helpful suggestions is extremely valuable.

3.  Get a job or training, if you need to.  Coming out of a divorce, both spouses normally have to work. If you've been out of the workforce for a few years, or a lot of years, you probably will need some education to sharpen and update your skills.  If you need to put off starting the divorce so that you can go  to school on community funds, do it if you can.  There will always be less money once you separate, so do what you can while you are together.

4.  Gather all the financial records that you can.  Make copies and keep them in a secure place.  Don't destroy or hide the original records.  Just get copies of the last 2-3 years of bank and credit card statements, as well as tax returns, insurance policies, mortgage records and any other significant records you can uncover.

5.  Make a plan for yourself.  Identify needs and goals that will be important to you after the divorce. Work on a financial plan, including a budget, early on.  You may need to work with a financial planner who can help you understand your assets, liabilities and possibilities.  Also, create a network of family and friends who can support you emotionally as you go through the process.  You need to work with a counselor, but friends are also invaluable.  Don't forget to consider your kids, even the adult ones.  They can have a good relationship with both parents post divorce and you should not be trying to sabotage it.

The most important step, if you are over 50 and facing a divorce, is to consult with a Collaborative Lawyer as early as possible.  Do as much advance preparation as possible to improve your outcome. Good luck!

Facing a Divorce Later in Life?

What happens when long-term marriages head to the divorce court?  It's not pretty for either party.

It has become noticeable that Baby Boomers and even older people are starting to experience a significant number of divorces.  Couples married for 20 to 40 years are getting divorced.  A long-term marriage does not automatically guarantee that it won't end in divorce.  Part of the cause may be a greater life span for people.  Maybe it used to be that divorce didn't come up for older couples because one or both partners died before they got too old.

Now, "gray divorce" is an event that more older people experience, even though most never thought it would come to that.  Consequently, they are unprepared for what is happening.  If you find yourself in that situation, consider the following actions to help you begin to think about how to respond.

1.  The first thing you need to do is hire an attorney.  After a long marriage, and given the health and other issues that can arise at an older age, you have a lot at stake.  You should not, even if you are a lawyer, try to represent yourself.  Even if you don't want the divorce, you need to be protected and assisted.  Don't try to do it on your own.  There are many complicated issues you will face and they will determine much of your future.  Hire an experienced attorney, one you are comfortable with and one who is a good listener.

2.  Consider using Collaborative Law.  After a long marriage, there can be a myriad of issues to resolve, from dealing with teen-age or adult children, starting over with a career, health insurance, retirement assets, what to do with the house, how to provide support to get a spouse on her or his feet, health issues and many other concerns.  Collaborative Law has the potential to allow the parties to come up with creative, unique settlement ideas that directly address their concerns.  Here in Tarrant County, we use a neutral financial professional to help with financial planning, budgeting and other issues, and we use a neutral therapist to help the parties figure out the best ways to resolve children- and family-issues.  You really don't need a cookie-cutter approach on the terms of divorce.  You need something to respond to your specific needs.  You should talk to a trained Collaborative attorney to see if  Collaborative  would benefit you.

3.  You need to financially plan for at least two stages:  interim and retirement.  Depending on your ages, you and your spouse may have anywhere from a few to many years before retirement.  Either way, you will need to consider how both parties will get by financially on an immediate basis and then to retirement.  It is very common for one party to have been a stay-at-home parent who remained out of the workforce for years.  That spouse will need help figuring out a career and getting started.  Afterwards, the retirement assets will need to be divided between the parties.  There's obviously a lot of financial planning to be done and Collaborative Law offers the best set-up to meet that need. 

4.  You should consider the effects of the divorce on all the family members.  After a long-term marriage, it will be hard on everyone, but especially the children.  Using the neutral therapist in a Collaborative context allows you expert help with the family issues.  Children can really be hurt by divorce, even if they are adults.  You should carefully plan out how to address the divorce before you start telling your children and other people.

5.  Each party should work with a counselor or life coach.  Any divorce can be difficult, but one after a long-term marriage can lead to a much more difficult transition.  Professional help is really warranted.  Don't try to do it on your own.

Hopefully, these points will give you some ideas on what to expect and some things you can do if you find yourself facing divorce after a long-term marriage. This post is mainly to identify some issues and to get your started. Be sure to get good professional help.  Good luck!

Getting Help for a Later in Life Divorce

One of the best advantages of Collaborative Law is that we can bring in specialized help for the exact needs of our clients. Baby Boomers and others who face divorce after long marriages often need special help with the transition from married to single. Finances need to be managed and often one of the parties needs to change or start a career that will produce adequate income for a number of years. Sometimes, health and certain family members require extra attention. Be sure to thoroughly explain all your concerns at the outset to your attorney and the other professionals involved. Just so you know, here are some outside professionals who may be helpful.

5 Additional Professionals Who Should Be Considered

1. Divorce Financial Planner. In North Texas, we usually automatically bring in a Financial Professional from the beginning. If you are starting a Collaborative case, you should discuss this with your attorney. Although the recent recession may have affected some couples' situations, many starting a divorce after a long-term marriage must deal with substantial assets and complex business, retirement, and investment property interests. Taking a figurative saw and cutting everything in half is usually not the best solution, for many reasons. It's better to determine the best mix of assets for each spouse, considering the tax implications and the relative needs and abilities of the parties. An arbitrary approach of taking a percentage of everything may not benefit either party. It's a lot better to focus on the needs each party identifies.

2. Personal Coach. Every divorce is difficult for different reasons and sometimes parties need an unbiased “coach” who can help them stay on track and make good decisions. Coaches don’t provide therapy. They work with you to identify, stay focused on and accomplish your goals. Many business people use coaches because they can be a great resource to bounce ideas off of and to help keep things in perspective. Coaches can help you deal with issues in a more rational and beneficial way.

3. Career Planner. After being married for a long time, it is pretty common for one of the spouses to have been a stay-at-home parent, which puts that spouse at a disadvantage in joining the job market and competing with younger workers for good-paying jobs. Sometimes previous work experience doesn’t seem as interesting as it may have been 20 or 30 years before, or there could be health issues that interfere, or the spouse may just not be up-to-date with technology in that field. It can be pretty overwhelming to suddenly have to find a job, so getting a professional evaluation first and then getting guidance as you follow through the process of finding a job can make all the difference for you. Be willing to take some tests and then get some training if you need to. A professional career planner can help you find a viable career direction, hone your skills and learn how to present yourself in the best possible light.

4. Counseling. Without anything implication that you are crazy, I can strongly urge you to get some counseling as you go through the divorce process. There are many emotional issues that you experience during a divorce. People usually go through a range of emotions, including denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, among other things. Counseling for one party is good, and for both parties can be very helpful.

5. Medical Evaluations. Unfortunately, as people age, they often experience some medical situations that can be permanent or temporary. Sometimes it’s hard to face medical issues, but they are real and you and your family will do better in the long run if the facts are out on the table. Medical needs can make a large impact on the outcome of a divorce case in terms of property division, insurance, debts, spousal support and other issues, so you need to get the facts and incorporate them into your solutions.

What to Do

Discuss with your attorney what additional professionals might be able to help you and your case. Sometimes, you can work briefly with one or more of the professionals and get a lot of benefit. You may feel like you don't want to spend the money, but in most cases, the professionals can save or make money for you. You don't necessarily need to hire all the experts listed above, but keep an open mind because you could have a much better settlement agreement at the end if you get assistance throughout the process. With 20 to 30 or more years are at stake, you need to be very thoughtful and willing to be non-traditional.

Facing a "Later in Life" Divorce -- Part I

As Baby Boomers reach retirement age, they not only face changes in their work life. Increasingly, they are facing changes in their home life. Having a long-term marriage doesn't necessarily mean that divorce is out of the question. Facing a divorce in your 50's, 60's or 70's involves some serious concerns that may appear to be of a greater magnitude than the same issues experienced by 20-something, 30-something or even 40-somethings.

Typical issues for older Americans facing divorce include such familiar topics as housing, employment, retirement, health insurance, children and debt management, among other things.

• Can you afford to keep the house? Should you? Should you sell it to cash out?
• If you have a job, how long can you expect to keep it? If you don't have a job, are you employable at your age?
• Will retirement funds that might have been sufficient for one household be enough to support two households?
• Do you have health insurance available?
• Do you have children in college? Do your adult children live at home or still need financial support? Can your children help support you?
• How much debt is there? Can you afford to pay it off? Is bankruptcy on the horizon?

If you, or your spouse, file for a traditional litigated divorce in Tarrant County, Texas, what can you expect? While each judge is a little different, here, you would probably see something like this:

1. The initial consideration is whether you have a job. If you have a job, the question becomes how far you can stretch your income. Often one spouse has been the primary breadwinner and the other spouse has provided a supplementary income that was much lower. If you are the lower-income spouse, you will be in for a difficult time. Texas courts can't provide much alimony by court order, although you may get your spouse to agree to pay alimony at a higher level or for a longer period of time. Usually, you can't expect to just live off the alimony.

If you don't have a job, and aren't at retirement age, at the time of separation, you will probably face pressure to get a job right away, even if you have been out of the workforce for a number of years or if you lack training for a good job.

2. One of the spouses can probably keep the house if he or she wants it and can afford it. Of course, it may be hard to afford it without a job. There may also be pressure from the other spouse to sell the house and split the cash, even if you couldn't qualify for a new mortgage.

3. The other financial issues revolve around whether there is enough cash available. If you are lucky and there's plenty of income and other assets, you may be able to divide the property and debts and still live comfortably.

On the other hand, if cash is in short supply, it won't get any better when you divorce.

In a litigated divorce, the basic approach is to encourage an unemployed spouse to get a job and then divide the assets and debts, usually in the neighborhood of 50-50. If there's a great disparity in income between the parties, a court may give a little more of the assets to the lower-income party, but that doesn't always help, especially if the main asset to be divided is a retirement account.

There's normally no mechanism to get education or job training or job counseling for an unemployed party. Basically, you're told to take this pile of cash and take care of yourself (assuming there is a pile of cash -- often it's more likely to be a pile of debts). There's no attempt to do financial planning in most divorces and no significant thought goes into property division other than determining a percentage for each side.

In many cases, going through a later in life divorce can be very traumatic and can end up with one or both parties in a worse situation financially and, sometimes, personally.

So, what can someone do?
One way to mitigate the effects and the experience of divorce for more mature people is to consider using Collaborative Law. In the next post, I will contrast how Collaborative Law can help manage the later in life divorce.