How Can I Have a Peaceful Divorce?

If you really want to avoid fighting, as much as possible, in a divorce, here's what you need to do.
 
1.  Choose Collaborative Law.  If you get into traditional litigation, you may be drawn into more conflict.  Most of the time in litigation, you are placed in opposition to your spouse, rather than working with him/her to find win-win solutions. Most divorces will eventually get into mediation, but that's late in the process after a lot of damage has been done.

2.  Work with a team. In North Texas, almost all Collaborative divorces involve bringing in a neutral mental health professional and a neutral financial professional to work with the parties and attorneys.  The neutrals help the quality of the agreements on parenting and property division, as well as helping the process move along smoothly.

3.  Focus on goals, needs and interests of both parties.  Doing that helps make sure we deal with the most important matters and not get bogged down in minor issues. We can be a lot more efficient as well.

4.  Hire experienced Collaborative Law attorneys.  As a starter, you want to make sure the attorneys are trained in Collaborative Law.  Just as in most other matters, experience helps.  It's nice to have someone who has dealt with your issues before so look for a Collaborative attorney who has done it for a while.

5.  Be willing to try new approaches.  Don't get locked into what your family and friends tell you.  Be open to new ideas, especially if you have an experienced team of professionals helping you.

6. Understand that neither party can control the process alone.  You have to work together and you can get better results if you are willing to bend a little.  Usually, you have to give a little to get a little. It's easier to do if you're expecting it.

7.  Focus on improving your relationships.  In the Collaborative process, there is an emphasis on learning better communication skills, including listening.  If you and your spouse are able to work together, instead of against each other, that cooperation normally spills over into other parts of the post-divorce relationship.

To get a peaceful divorce, be willing to try new approaches and be willing to help from several directions.  You'll be glad you did.

Finding Peace on Earth During Divorce

During December each year, there is always a lot of talk about "Peace on Earth".  Anyone in a bad marriage knows that marriages can be very un-peaceful.  For those in bad marriages, it may be the seasonal talk about peace that motivates them to file for divorce in January or February.

During any time of the year, peace is actually a consideration for getting divorced.  Here are some suggestions if you are looking for a peaceful solution to a difficult marriage.

1.  Remember that most divorces have conflict.  But, you can try to minimize the conflict. Be respectful of each other.  Consider each other's point in view.  Understand that neither party is likely to get everything they want.  Knowing there will be some conflict, you should act like an adult and disagree politely and respectfully.  Avoiding anger will pay off in the long run.

2.  You have a choice: be constructive or make it worse.  If you react in anger, you're choosing the second option.  If you can pause and make a thoughtful response to provocation, you will make the situation better.  Don't get dragged down into fighting. Maybe you can elevate your spouse's behavior. You know the buttons to push to upset your spouse, but you probably also know how to get your spouse in a good mood.  Chose the high road.

3.  Think about the life you want post-divorce.  Plan ahead.  Come up with a reasonable approach that can help meet your needs, but also make it possible for your spouse to feel like a winner on issues important to him/her.

4.  Choose the Collaborative Law process. If you have significant  issues about property division or children, the Collaborative process can be very helpful for you and your family.  It's better to resolve those issues in a controlled, safe and respectful environment.  Those are important matters and you need help.

5.  Hire a trained and experienced Collaborative attorney.  If you go see an attorney who tries to tell you that he/she does Collaborative work, but your case is not appropriate, do yourself a favor and get a second opinion from an attorney who has a lot of experience with Collaborative cases.  Unfortunately, some attorneys do a bait and switch. Other attorneys try to talk you out of using Collaborative either because they aren't trained in it or because they don't make as much money doing Collaborative work as they do with litigation.  I see very few cases that couldn't go Collaborative. Get a second opinion if someone tries to say you shouldn't use Collaborative Law!

If you follow the above suggestions, you have a good chance of having a peaceful divorce.  Good luck!