How Do We Start a Collaborative Divorce?

Once you decide you want to use the Collaborative Law process instead of litigation or mediation, you're probably ready to get started.  So, what should you expect as you get started?  

Different attorneys may do things slightly differently, but here are some steps that are fairly common.

1.  Make sure you understand how the process works.  You and your attorney should have a good discussion and go over the process thoroughly.  It's not like anything you would see on TV.  You should learn what to expect at the first meeting -- it's usually handled about the same from case to case.  You can also talk about how to prepare for the meeting.

2.  Have a discussion with your attorney about why you want to use Collaborative Law.  Some of the common reasons are because of the privacy, getting to control the process, getting to decide the terms of the final agreement, being able to create non-traditional solutions, focusing on needs and interests rather than arbitrary guidelines, being able to maintain important family relationships or using a less stressful process.  It helps for the attorney to understand your motivation and to know what's really important to you, so they can help you achieve your goals.

3.  Review documents.  There will be a Participation Agreement that is fundamental to the process.  It is written in moderate legalese, so it will take some interpretation, but it is very important that you understand it. In part, it explains again how the process works. You might also review the Roadmap to Resolution, which is an outline of the steps in the Collaborative process. You will probably also go over the Expectations of Conduct. That's a reminder on how to behave during the Collaborative process.

4.  Outline your goals.  One of the best advantages of Collaborative Law is  that we are always working to achieve your goals and meet your needs post-divorce.  We need you to carefully explain what's important to you.

5.  Study your calendar so we can schedule the first meetings.  We want to schedule the first joint meeting as soon as possible, and then 2or 3 more joint meetings, along with separate meetings with the therapist (if there are children's issues) and the financial neutral. It helps to schedule the meetings early so we can keep progressing.

These are the basic steps, but talk with your attorney about what he or she wants you to do.  

Some Next Steps:  Gather financial records and start working on a budget, if you're in a hurry.  The financial neutral will tell you what's needed and help you organize it.

Getting Through the Holidays -- While Planning a Divorce

It usually takes a while to come to the realization that divorce may be the best alternative to a contentious, disconnected or dying marriage.  Few people have a sudden realization that it's over.  Many people gradually decide they want a divorce.  In some cases, physical or financial danger pushes a person to initiate a divorce quickly, and that's appropriate.  More often, there's time to think about the pros and cons and to plan how and when to initiate the process.

When there are children involved, most people want to try to insulate and protect the children from the stress, conflict and disruption of a divorce.  Unfortunately, in some cases, a parent will immediately want to drag the children into the middle of the dispute, often hoping for sympathy and support, but sometimes to hurt the other parent.

Holidays are some of the more stressful times of the year, even without marital discord raising the conflict level.  When a looming divorce is added to the mix, things can be pretty tense during what we like to think is a happy season.

If you are considering/anticipating a divorce now, here are some suggestions to help keep "Merry" and "Happy" part of your life during the holiday seasons.

1.  Go ahead and meet with a lawyer.  You need to know what your process options are.  As I have mentioned in prior posts, you have a range of options from meeting with your spouse at a kitchen table and negotiating, to mediation with or without an attorney, to litigation -- the most common approach, to Collaborative Law.  The attorney should be able to help you decide which approach would work best for your situation.  You don't have to start right away, but you can prepare.

2.  Consider waiting to start until after the holidays.  If you have children, this is probably a good idea, unless there are safety issues or a danger of financial loss.  Filing before or during the holidays will certainly be upsetting for children.

3.  Take steps to keep this away from the children.  Whatever difficulties you are having with your spouse should not be discussed with or near the children.  Adult matters should be kept away from the children.  They need to enjoy their holiday time without being pulled into a divorce.

4.  Take steps to protect your interests.  

• Gather your financial records.  Figure out how you can obtain some cash or credit to pay for professional expenses and your living expenses if you get cut off financially by your spouse. You can start listing and photographing property that you want to preserve or have counted in a property division.
• Start quietly gathering up or at least locating important personal items, such as jewelry, photos, guns, collections, etc.  You don't need to hide things, but you should find the items you want.
• Keep up your involvement with the kids.  Holidays have lots of activities for children at school or at your religious institution.  Be sure you show up, help and be an active parent. Also, spend time playing with your children. It's fun for you and the kids.

5.  Go to counseling.  If you are undecided, counseling can help you sort out your issues and feelings. If both you and your spouse have decided to file after the holidays, counseling can help you deal with on-going stresses.  If you have decided to file, but your spouse doesn't know, a counselor can help you be confident in your decision and help you plan ahead for difficult times during and after the holidays.  

While I can't promise that you will be happy during the holidays, the above steps will help you reduce the stress of the pre-divorce situation and make the holidays more bearable. Best Wishes!

Acknowledgements: Spouse of a Professional, Facing Divorce

How about the spouses of professionals?

I recently wrote about how married professionals often feel under-appreciated.  What's true for such professionals as physicians, lawyers, dentists, veterinarians, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots, architects, engineers and many others, is also true for their spouses.  Just like the professionals to whom they are married, spouses of professionals often have a difficult time facing divorce. 

Spouses of high-earning professionals of all types experience some common problems that need to be addressed during the marriage (to save the marriage, if it's not too late!), or during a divorce.  There's always an easy way and a hard way, or a nice way and a not-so-nice way, to do divorces.  People who choose to use Collaborative Law are opting for the nicer way, but that doesn't necessarily make the process easy.

In representing spouses of professionals, I have heard some complaints over and over.  Although I don't doubt the validity of the issues, what really matters is the strong feelings associated with how the spouses feel valued or not.

Many times, busy professionals tend to overlook or minimize the sacrifices of their spouses in keeping a family together, running a household and raising children.  Sometimes, the professionals feel sorry for themselves and don't think much about their spouse.  They often take for granted the daily things the spouse does without getting much credit for it.

For professionals facing divorce, even if they haven't shown much appreciation and understanding of their spouse in the past, and even if they aren't feeling too charitable as they work through a divorce, it is certainly in their best interest to express understanding and appreciation of their spouse.  That can really help establish an atmosphere of cooperation and shared interests.

In case professionals have forgotten what their spouses have done, here are some suggestions of topics to focus on:

• The spouse may have really carried the load for years with the kids.  That includes such time consuming actions as taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the doctor or dentist or orthodontist, getting school supplies, buying appropriately stylist clothes for the kids, managing play dates for young kids, keeping track of dating for older kids, helping them with homework, taking the kids to sports practices and games, and many other things.  That's not to mention being a doctor and therapist for the children.  There's a lot of work that's easy to overlook if you're not in the trenches.
• Your spouse may have carried the load with the house.  Someone has to maintain the house and get help as needed.  Some spouses decorate and clean, others hire workers.  A spouse often takes responsibility for setting up the house to entertain friends, family, business associates and others.
• Your spouse may have worked to support the family while you were in school or in training.  The spouse may not have earned nearly what you earn now, but she or he worked hard and made it possible for you to get to your current position.
• Many times, a spouse must deal with the fact that a professional is away from home for long periods.  Traveling may become tedious to you, but it is lonely for your spouse.
• Believe it or not,  sometimes you are very difficult to deal with when you come home from work.  Your spouse doesn't have anywhere to go or hide.  Instead, she or he tries to comfort you and reassure you that you will get over whatever difficulty you are having at work.
• Your spouse may have needed to take charge of the personal finances.  Because you have been so busy, your spouse often sees that the bills are paid and that the necessities are purchased.  Your spouse has had to live within a tight budge at times, even if you make a high income now.  You probably don't have time to deal with all that. 

 While you have a busy and demanding life, and the family has been rewarded by your income, that doesn't mean that your spouse has had an easy life.  If you will do a little soul searching, you will probably realize that your spouse has done a lot for you that you hadn't recognized before.

It will greatly benefit you if you will make some honest and sincere acknowledgements to your spouse and thank her or him for their contributions.  Just like you may feel under-appreciated, I'll guarantee your spouse feels the same way.  Both of you can do better by understanding more about what the other has contributed to the good aspects of your marriage.  Help yourself  and your family by recognizing your spouse's efforts.

Acknowledgements: Professional Facing Divorce

Physicians are people, too.  So are lawyers, dentists, vets, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots,  and other professionals.  They have feelings.  Sometimes they are successful at marriage and sometimes they aren't.  It's not unusual for professionals to become very successful in their business lives and neglect their personal and family lives.  Unfortunately, they may end up divorcing.  If their spouse has felt neglected as the professional's career advanced, the spouse often becomes angry.  That may lead to an unpleasant divorce.  But, it doesn't have to.

While success in certain professions seems to depend upon the person being objective and unemotional, there are still emotions that exist deep within everyone.  One that I hear about, when representing a high wage-earning professional is a lack of appreciation from the family.  I have heard many professionals complain that they are treated just as a meal ticket or bank account.  There may be many reasons for the lack of respect and appreciation, but the situation is real. 

In Collaborative cases, we sometimes work with the parties to have more empathy and understanding for their spouses.  Working on that can make it easier to come to a settlement and to find an appropriate settlement.  If you are the spouse of a professional who works hard and makes a lot of money, but you are now facing a divorce, it is in your best interest to try to understand your spouse's perspective, even if you don't agree with it and even if you strongly dislike your spouse now.  When you are facing a divorce, it is inevitable that you will be divorced. 

The question is whether you can reach a favorable settlement or whether you want to turn over the control and decision-making to a stranger (the judge) who may not see things the way you do.  If you want to reach an amicable agreement, it helps if you have some understanding of the feelings that your spouse probably hasn't shared with you about his or her sacrifices in reaching this point of his or her and your lives.

Here are some things I have heard over and over.  That means they are common feelings and ones that your spouse may have experienced.

• The spouse went through long years of training to reach this point.  While you may have been there and even sacrificed to make it possible, your spouse did put in a lot of sweat and dealt with a lot of stress to get here.
• The professional puts in long hours of work.  This may be one of your complaints, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that your spouse is working hard and gets tired.
• Although your spouse may be making a lot of money now, the pay was low and hours long in the beginning.  That's tough to put up with and probably wasn't easy for you either, but you should give credit to your spouse.
• Your spouse works hard to earn the high income he/she is bringing home now.  No matter what career your spouse chose, hard work precedes the pay-off.
• The work is often stressful.  Many professionals deal with life and death decisions, health issues or large financial issues.  There's a lot hanging in the balance and there's huge responsibility.
• Many professionals sacrifice time at home with the family in order to advance in the career or maintain a high income.  Their spouses may not view it as a good thing, but many professionals believe they don't have a choice and yet they miss their family.
• The professional is a good breadwinner.  He/she is successful.  Many would really appreciate hearing thanks from their family.

If you are married to a high-wage-earning professional and you are now facing a divorce, it would really benefit you to consider the points above and try to come up with some statements acknowledging how hard your spouse has worked, the sacrifices made and the successes they have had.  Showing some appreciation may help defrost relations and lead to a better settlement for both sides.  Talk it over with your lawyer and the mental health professional, if you are in a Collaborative divorce.

Planning Ahead

Waiting to file until after the holidays. At this time of the year, I have noticed that quite a few people who are about ready to file for divorce have decided to wait until after the holidays. Every year, we get really busy in January and February filing new divorces because people want the divorce, but don't want to mess up the holiday season. It's actually a good idea (usually) to wait. Here's why:

• If there are kids, they still have a chance to have a nice holiday; if there's fighting, however, that may not work out. Still, why mess up a major holiday and create a bad association with it for the rest of the child's life? Waiting to file for divorce keeps the possibility of kids enjoying the holidays.

• Taking a little more time gives you time to research your alternatives. Should you try Collaborative Law? Or mediation? Or stay with litigation? How do they work? What are their advantages and disadvantages?

• You can use a little extra time to gather resources for the radical change that's coming. Maybe you can save some money.

• You can also use the time to gather financial information and copy records.

• There's also an opportunity to take pictures of things around the house and elsewhere. Use the time to create some useful records and references.

• Do a little thinking and planning about what you want to end up with, what you need, what your may want, etc. Plan ahead!

• Make sure you are emotionally ready to pull the plug on your marriage. Is it really over? Have you done everything you can do, or want to do, to try to save it? For some people, this is a major consideration. If you are not sure, take your time.

So, there are obviously some good reasons to move carefully and slowly right now. If you choose to wait to file, you can still do some research on Collaborative Law -- one of the options for how to get a divorce -- by meeting with a Collaborative attorney.

A good way to start is to find some Collaborative attorneys where you live and research them on line. Check with friends or other attorneys to find out who is recommended in your area. In you live in Tarrant County, Texas, there are a number of good, experienced Collaborative attorneys. By meeting with an attorney now, you can plan ahead and protect yourself. You can also evaluate whether you are comfortable with the attorneys you visit.

Meeting with an attorney early allows you to make a more thoughtful decision on who you hire and how and when you proceed.

How to Prepare for a Collaborative Law Case

I recently read a post on a business news blog that discussed how to deal with the distractions presented by the Internet. The article described the common problem of starting out researching one topic and then drifting from topic to topic, but I digress. The writer had some interesting suggestions on how to stay focused on what you are looking for, and I thought the ideas, simple as they are, were equally applicable to Collaborative Law cases. So, with a nod to the Harvard Business Blog, here are some common sense things anyone and everyone should do to prepare for, and work through, the Collaborative process.
1. Sleep well: We all know that we operate better physically and emotionally when we are well rested. If you are having trouble sleeping, get some help so you can be alert when you need to be.
2. Eat well: A lot of people lose weight going through a divorce, but they often do it by not eating because they have lost their appetite. While that is often normal, you know that you cannot operate at top efficiency if you are hungry or if you are not eating properly.
3. Minimize stress and anger: One reason we bring in a neutral mental health professional is to help both parties deal with the stress and the variety of emotions they experience. We recognize that Collaborative Law is a difficult process and you should keep in mind that it usually doesn't always go smoothly or easily. Everyone starts out wanting to be nice, but people can get tired and frustrated as we go through the process.
4. Watch out for time wasters: We try to have an agenda for each joint meeting and we try to stick to it. Some of the worst problems that arise in Collaborative cases occur when the participants get off the agenda and start on topics that were not planned for in advance. Staying on the agenda means that everyone can be prepared for the discussions and actions that need to take place. It also means that the meetings can end on time.
5. Work smarter, not longer: There are good reasons why we normally schedule meetings to be 1.5 to 2 hours long. The parties sometimes ask to extend meetings so we can finish up the process sooner. We have occasionally worked longer than 2 hours in a session and my experience is that those meetings often become counterproductive because everyone becomes tired. Once people start to get tired, they either shut down or (more often) become argumentative and angry. We not only lose momentum, but we sometimes lose the progress we had been making. We are better off coming to meetings with an organized agenda that we are all prepared for.
We have to keep in mind that Collaborative Law is not a one-meeting, quick process. There will be a series of meetings and everyone will get tired during the process. The more prepared and relaxed we are going into the process, the easier the process should be for us. As you can see, there's no magic here, but you will benefit by trying these easy steps.