Getting Help for a Later in Life Divorce

One of the best advantages of Collaborative Law is that we can bring in specialized help for the exact needs of our clients. Baby Boomers and others who face divorce after long marriages often need special help with the transition from married to single. Finances need to be managed and often one of the parties needs to change or start a career that will produce adequate income for a number of years. Sometimes, health and certain family members require extra attention. Be sure to thoroughly explain all your concerns at the outset to your attorney and the other professionals involved. Just so you know, here are some outside professionals who may be helpful.

5 Additional Professionals Who Should Be Considered

1. Divorce Financial Planner. In North Texas, we usually automatically bring in a Financial Professional from the beginning. If you are starting a Collaborative case, you should discuss this with your attorney. Although the recent recession may have affected some couples' situations, many starting a divorce after a long-term marriage must deal with substantial assets and complex business, retirement, and investment property interests. Taking a figurative saw and cutting everything in half is usually not the best solution, for many reasons. It's better to determine the best mix of assets for each spouse, considering the tax implications and the relative needs and abilities of the parties. An arbitrary approach of taking a percentage of everything may not benefit either party. It's a lot better to focus on the needs each party identifies.

2. Personal Coach. Every divorce is difficult for different reasons and sometimes parties need an unbiased “coach” who can help them stay on track and make good decisions. Coaches don’t provide therapy. They work with you to identify, stay focused on and accomplish your goals. Many business people use coaches because they can be a great resource to bounce ideas off of and to help keep things in perspective. Coaches can help you deal with issues in a more rational and beneficial way.

3. Career Planner. After being married for a long time, it is pretty common for one of the spouses to have been a stay-at-home parent, which puts that spouse at a disadvantage in joining the job market and competing with younger workers for good-paying jobs. Sometimes previous work experience doesn’t seem as interesting as it may have been 20 or 30 years before, or there could be health issues that interfere, or the spouse may just not be up-to-date with technology in that field. It can be pretty overwhelming to suddenly have to find a job, so getting a professional evaluation first and then getting guidance as you follow through the process of finding a job can make all the difference for you. Be willing to take some tests and then get some training if you need to. A professional career planner can help you find a viable career direction, hone your skills and learn how to present yourself in the best possible light.

4. Counseling. Without anything implication that you are crazy, I can strongly urge you to get some counseling as you go through the divorce process. There are many emotional issues that you experience during a divorce. People usually go through a range of emotions, including denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, among other things. Counseling for one party is good, and for both parties can be very helpful.

5. Medical Evaluations. Unfortunately, as people age, they often experience some medical situations that can be permanent or temporary. Sometimes it’s hard to face medical issues, but they are real and you and your family will do better in the long run if the facts are out on the table. Medical needs can make a large impact on the outcome of a divorce case in terms of property division, insurance, debts, spousal support and other issues, so you need to get the facts and incorporate them into your solutions.

What to Do

Discuss with your attorney what additional professionals might be able to help you and your case. Sometimes, you can work briefly with one or more of the professionals and get a lot of benefit. You may feel like you don't want to spend the money, but in most cases, the professionals can save or make money for you. You don't necessarily need to hire all the experts listed above, but keep an open mind because you could have a much better settlement agreement at the end if you get assistance throughout the process. With 20 to 30 or more years are at stake, you need to be very thoughtful and willing to be non-traditional.

Stop Re-living Someone Else's Past!

Tracy Stewart is a CPA in College Station and a very active neutral financial expert in Collaborative cases. She is also a very good writer and produces an excellent blog, the Texas Divorce Finance Blog. She mixes common sense, good financial advice and very appropriate suggestions for Collaborative cases. She recently posted about a common problem that many people face. No matter how many times attorneys and other professionals tell clients not to listen to what their well-meaning family, friends and even strangers want to tell them about how to act in a divorce, the easiest course of action usually seems to be to ignore the professionals' advice and do what the amateurs suggested.

I do my best to make it clear that such a course of action is almost always a bad decision, but Tracy really makes the case in a way that can't be misunderstood. Here's her excellent post:

"Not infrequently, I hear people tell me about the divorce advice they are absorbing. This advice comes from people they trust and believe.

"My friend, who’s been through a divorce, told me I need to hire the meanest attorney I can find so I can crush my nasty husband/wife.

"My friend, who’s been through a divorce, told me to withdraw all the money from our savings account before my wife/husband does it first.

"Do not allow these people relive their divorces through your life and at your emotional and financial expense. If you must engage in such conversations with them, keep it restrained to a pat on the head/hand/shoulder and murmur, 'There, there. It must have been an awful ordeal for you'. But do not get take their advice. Their divorce is not your divorce and vice versa.

"Normally, they are not divorce professionals. (Even if they are, they are not objective.) They don’t have a thorough understanding of marital dissolution law, divorce finances and the relationship nuances of your crumbling relationship.

"Not infrequently, I see people go through senseless emotional turmoil, wasted time and ill spent money in their efforts to follow their friend’s sage advice. Of course, you can have girlfriends or buddies with whom to drown your sorrows or cry over coffee. But do not take their advice. Seek professional advice.

"Remember: You are not divorcing your friend’s ex-spouse."

Advice from friends and family is an abundant commodity during a divorce. Sometimes it's good, and it's given with the intention of helping you, but following the advice can conflict with the strategies that your professionals are using for your case. You should keep in mind that your shadow advisers are not in charge of the case, they don't have the legal or technical knowledge that your professionals have and they don't know how their suggestions fit in, or conflict with, your overall case strategy. It's fine to pass along to your attorney or other professional the golden nuggets of information you hear, but let the professional decide whether to implement the suggestions. Your focus must be on taking care of your case rather than validating someone else's leftover strategies from their divorce.

Managing Finances in a Collaborative Divorce

There's a new Collaborative Law blog in Oregon, the Collaborative Divorce Northwest blog that is off to a good start. It looks like it will be an interesting blog to follow. They have a recent post that is worth reading on the difficulties many people have dealing with finances in a divorce. The article is by a financial planner who obviously has worked quite a bit in divorce cases. It looks like her experience is similar to that of our financial professionals who assist in Collaborative cases in Texas. That post got me to thinking about some of the financial hurdles people face in going through a divorce.

In a divorce context, people confront several problems in working out a post-divorce financial plan: lack of knowledge, lack of experience and fear of the unknown.

1. Lack of knowledge. It is very common for the spouses to divide up the responsibilities in the marriage by having one in charge of the finances and the other in charge of the household and children. In practice, there is usually very little discussion or joint planning in finances for most or a large number of families. As a result, one spouse is usually somewhat in the dark. That situation is made worse by the fact that finances are getting more complicated and even a college graduate may have trouble keeping up with finances without having everyday involvement. When a divorce comes up, the uninvolved party usually feels very vulnerable because s/he doesn't really know what's there or what should be there.

2. Lack of experience. To compound the lack of knowledge problem, the uninformed partner usually doesn't have much experience in managing the finances. Once the divorce is granted, each spouse will have to be responsible for running his or her own financial life. Even after learning what they have, a spouse who hasn't been paying bills or making investments or other financial decisions usually starts out very insecure in that role. The party needs to learn what to do and obtain some experience in managing things.

3. Fear of the unknown. Aside from all the personal and emotional issues involved in the split up of a family, there is a lot of fear and concern about what the financial future will bring. For the financially less-experienced spouse, it may be hard to look confidently very far into the future. Even for the more experienced spouse, the future may be daunting, especially in times of economic turbulence.

How Collaborative Law Helps

In more and more cases in Texas, we are using a team model which includes an attorney for each party and then a neutral financial professional (FP) and a neutral mental health professional, all of whom have special Collaborative Law training. The two neutral professionals work with both parties, rather than for just one party. The FP is well aware of the issues outlined above and is trained to help resolve them.

• The lack of knowledge is overcome by the parties sharing their financial information and then having the FP analyze and review it with both parties. We often prepare a joint financial summary and exchange documents so that everyone can see everything. The FP will answer questions for both parties.


• The lack of experience can be dealt with by having the FP educate and train one or both parties as needed about how to manage the finances in the future. Financial professionals often help the parties learn to budget and to keep track of their expenses. Parties can also learn how to streamline bill payment, how to save money in different ways and how to avoid unnecessary expenses. Most importantly, the FP is available to answer questions for the parties.


• The fear of the unknown can be mitigated by learning about the financial resources available and in making plans for the future that are tied to the goals each party established at the beginning of the process. There will probably be some concerns about the future, but the worrying can be reduced by having information available and learning new skills to control finances in the future.

Although not all problems can be anticipated, solved or prevented, Collaborative Law provides a great opportunity to manage financial issues that are usually left unattended to in a litigated divorce. Knowledge, learning and planning, facilitated by a neutral, trained financial professional, can help minimize future financial problems for the parties.

Why Do We Need a Financial Professional

In a Collaborative Law divorce case, you may not need a financial professional (FP) if there are just child custody and visitation issues. If there are property issues, you should include a financial professional to help the parties. Financial professionals help in a number of ways.

• FPs help both parties develop budgets for the future so they can make realistic plans and assessments of needs.
• FPs can gather and organize various financial records. They can save time (and money) for the parties by efficiently dealing with various financial records. They can certainly do better work than most attorneys.
• FPs can discuss tax consequences of various actions with both parties. That can have a major effect on decision making.
• FPs are neutral, so they don't take on the role of the "hired gun" which they might have done in a litigated divorce. They work for both parties and have a lot of credibility. They help both parties and are committed to helping the parties achieve an agreement.
• FPs can provide income, expense and tax projections into various points in the future to help the parties understand what their needs will be. That helps the parties create customized plans to help reach their goals.
• FPs are helpful for the parties when they need to generate options while brainstorming. The more ideas that are considered, the better chance that both parties will be satisfied.
• FPs can explain, with credibility, various financial terms and concepts so that the parties can plan and evaluate more effectively.

The above are some of the benefits of using a neutral financial professional in a Collaborative case, but what about the cost? While they aren't free, they can be a bargain. Most cost less than a single attorney. If you consider the alternative of having two attorneys helping the parties handle the financial issues, the advantage is obvious. Not only do the parties save fees, they save time because of greater efficiency and they produce a better analysis. In addition, a neutral expert can help the parties settle disagreements. Looking at the benefits, it is clear that a financial professional will be a huge benefit for both parties with little or no downside.

Alimony is Not a 4-Letter Word

Often, one of the most emotional topics in a Collaborative case is alimony. One side often feels like she or he is entitled to it for a number of reasons, including the following, among others: because of having a long-term marriage, or because of health problems, or because of bleak job prospects, or because her or his spouse had been cheating on her or him, or because she or he supported the spouse through school and then the spouse wants a divorce just as the high income is about to start. Most often, alimony is sought by the wife, but there are occasional situations where the wife is the one better off financially and husband needs or wants alimony.

As strongly and emotionally as one spouse feels entitled to alimony, the other often resists alimony.

One of the advantages of using Collaborative Law is that we view alimony differently. We remove the sense of entitlement or revenge and we remove the stigma some may feel in paying it. We recognize that it is just a tool in helping one or both parties achieve their goals and meet their needs. Actually, it can be a tax planning tool because it is a deduction to the paying party.

If both parties will move beyond their initial feelings about the subject, they will discover that they can both benefit from using alimony. One way this can become crystal clear is to utilize a divorce financial planner who can explain the law and quantify the benefits to both parties. Using a trained financial planner in the case will normally benefit both parties. The planner will help the parties prepare personal budgets and project their needs and financial abilities well into the future. The planner may recommend using or not using alimony in a given case.

While alimony may not be needed or appropriate in all cases, the parties should remain open minded about it as a tool to help them reach their goals and achieve a complete resolution to their divorce.

How to Avoid Financial Mistakes in Divorce

There was a nice story in Forbes in February 2005 entitled "Top Financial Divorce Mistakes". It listed 9 common mistakes and how to avoid them. The list is actually a good example of why Collaborative Law can really be beneficial. Here's the list with a commentary showing how Collaborative Law fits in.

1. Having unrealistic expectations. That's actually a very serious problem which can sabotage a Collaborative case (just like it does a regular litigated case). If both attorneys, and any other professionals involved, can spot such expectations at the outset, disaster can be avoided, if the party is willing to listen to reason. The case should not be handled Collaboratively if one or both parties have unreasonable goals. One of the good things about Collaborative Law is that the goals and expectations are explicitly discussed at the outset, so there is time for re-orientation or changing approaches. There is a greater chance of uncovering unrealistic thinking by using the Collaborative approach since the expectations are openly discussed at the outset.

2. Not communicating. It is impossible to not communicate with your attorney or spouse in Collaborative Law. There are discussions before and after joint meetings and many cases utilize a mental health professional (MHP) to facilitate communication.

3. Getting into an endless battle. Collaborative law focuses on the future and not on revisiting past battles and issues. An MHP can help both parties avoid re-engaging in old arguments and to stay on track focusing on their goals.

4. Getting hung up on the numbers. One of the key elements of Collaborative Law is interest-based negotiating, rather than positional bargaining that is common in the litigation approach. Parties in litigation often do get hung up on numbers and percentages. In Collaborative Law, the parties work to achieve their goals and strive to create customized solutions to problems where the numbers are secondary.

5. Focusing on the present and not on the future. Using a neutral financial professional (FP), it is possible to understand the present situation, but a sometimes greater benefit is being able to project out into the future, both in terms of your needs and in terms of various means of meeting those needs. The FP is an expert at analyzing the future needs of the parties and can help educate the parties about the opportunities available that are consistent with their goals.

6. Forgetting to assess tax. With a financial professional in the case, it is standard to consider the tax consequences of any alternatives under discussion, something that is not often done in litigated cases.

7. Overlooking important information. The financial professional will make sure the parties provide all necessary financial information and understand it. There is rarely such a person working in a litigated case. A Collaborative case using a neutral FP results in a better analysis of the parties' financial situation.

8. Failing to untangle all joint finances. The parties can have direct discussions to address issues of joint finances and will have the benefit of two attorneys, a financial professional and sometimes a mental health professional who will help them decide whether or not to keep financial ties intact.

9. Failing to take into account the amount of time you'll need to get your career back on track. That is a topic that would ordinarily be directly addressed by the parties, their attorneys, the financial professional and perhaps the mental health professional. In addition, the parties may set up a plan for training and support to cover the likely period of time for re-adjustment into the work force. With Collaborative Law and the team working together, there is a much greater chance of direct action being taken to benefit the spouse who has been out of the workforce.

The Forbes article pointed out some significant and fairly common problems that occur in litigated divorces. They illustrate some of the many reasons why Collaborative Law often is the better option for divorces.