Do You Want Attention to Details in a Divorce?

Collaborative Law is promoted as being a different process from Litigation for many different reasons.  There are some differences that aren't often emphasized that can be very important to many people.

Usually, attorneys talk about having a series of short, private meetings.  They talk about the agreement to not go to Court, but instead to work directly in the meetings.  They talk about the requirement for the attorney to withdraw in the event the process breaks down, and how that is the great incentive to keep negotiating by trying new approaches.  Those are all significant differences from Litigation.

But, there are some other differences that have a cumulative major positive effect on the outcome of a case. They may sound minor, but they all add value to a problem-solving orientation.

• There's an agenda for each meeting and we stick to it.  That reduces surprises, limits the topics under discussion and makes it easier to prepare for a meeting.
• Minutes are taken.  We have a record after each meeting of what was discussed and what agreements were made, as well as what the plans are for future meetings.
• After each meeting, we have de-briefings.  The attorneys meet briefly with their clients to find out if there are any questions or concerns and to see how the client is feeling.  After that meeting, the attorneys and other professionals meet to review the meeting, plan for the future and consider how to deal with any problems that may have come up.
•  We use experts well.  We usually have a neutral therapist and a neutral financial advisor.  We can hire joint experts for tax issues, appraisals, psychological evaluations or other needs. There is a lot of freedom to bring in a variety of people, if we can benefit from them.
• It's a very private process.  Staying away from hearings, Discovery and other distractions, we can quietly work on the important issues.  We can help professionals, wealthy people and celebrities, among others, who don't want their private lives shared with the world. 

If you're facing a divorce or have some other Family Law issues, talk to a trained, experienced Collaborative Lawyer about whether the Collaborative process would benefit you.

Reality Testing -- What Do You Expect from a Collaborative Divorce?

If you are thinking about using Collaborative Law to get a divorce, it's a good idea to be aware of what you are expecting and it would be very helpful to your attorney if you discussed your expectations for the process.

Do you have great expectations about Collaborative Divorce?  Are you expecting any of the following?

1. It should be an easy experience.  "Easy" is a little like "fair" -- it's a subjective term and everyone sees it a little differently.  In general, you should keep in mind that this is still a divorce, with lots of emotions.  You are un-doing years of marriage and many decisions made over the years.  Divorce is rarely "easy", no matter which process is used.

2. It should be quick.  Again, "quick" or fast is relative.  No divorce with significant children's issues or substantial property can be quick.  There's a lot at stake and we all have to be careful to make sure the best results are obtained by everyone.

3.  It should be painless.  Again, this is a divorce.  Divorces are rarely painless.  We do have an advantage in Collaborative Divorces because we use a neutral therapist and a neutral financial who help the process run better and with less conflict than many litigated divorces.  There's bound to be some pain in ending the marriage, but it will generally be much less painful, just not quite painless.

4.  It should be cheap.  In a similar vein, a Collaborative Divorce is probably less expensive than  many or most litigated cases, but it can still cost a substantial amount.  The more complicated the
issues, the more meetings and preparation are required.  That also means the cost increases.  Keep in mind that complicated cases are definitely more expensive in litigation. Collaborative may not be cheap, but it's a wise expense.

5.  You should get everything you want.  That never happens, regardless of the process.  However, in Collaborative Divorces, we do make an effort to focus on what both sides want and need.  We do try to obtain as much of those results as possible. We probably come closer to getting what you want than would happen if we just left everything up to a Judge.

6. The lawyers will handle everything for you.  Not true.  We help you determine your goals and needs, and we help you prepare for meetings and discussions. We do some background work with the other professionals.  But, the parties have a major role throughout the process and they speak up directly in our meetings.  This is not a passive process for the clients. The result is that the parties have much more influence on the final outcome of the case.

7.  You should come out of the divorce with the same standard of living that you experienced while married.  That's not likely in most cases.  We usually still have the same size pie to be divided now into two households, rather than supporting just one.  We have to be realistic.  Fortunately, the neutral financial expert normally helps both parties plan their budgets for their post-divorce lives.  That usually helps reduce the impact on day-to-day living.

So why use Collaborative?  As you can see, Collaborative Divorce may not be exactly what you expect.  Still, people are choosing the process because it is very private, they have more control over the outcome, they can create unusual provisions, it's less stressful and they can maintain civil relationships with the co-parent of their children.

Bottom Line with Collaborative Divorce:  You can get a good result if you are patient and put in the effort.

Need Some Privacy?

In our interconnected world, it gets easier and easier for personal information to be disseminated.  Some people take it in stride, assuming that there's nothing they can do.  For others, the loss of privacy is very distressing.

Divorces are traditionally public events.  The pleadings and court orders are public documents.  Hearings are held in open courtrooms.  Financial and other personal records get spread around and sometimes are publicly available.  Depositions can be occasions for very prying questions.  Very little is considered privileged or confidential.

Collaborative Law offers one way to get divorced in a relatively private manner.  The initial pleadings and final order are filed in the public records, but otherwise, the process allows the parties to keep a low profile.  There are no public meetings or hearings.  Negotiations take place behind closed doors.  Statements made in meetings and communications between the parties and attorneys are confidential.

Who might be interested in the privacy afforded by Collaborative Law?  Here are some people who are motivated to take advantage of the process:

• Doctors
• Politicians
• Judges
• Lawyers
• Business owners
• Professional athletes
• Actors
• Investors
• High wage earners
• Teachers
• Financial planners
• Dentists
• CPAs
• Realtors
• Executives
• Entertainers 
• Coaches
• College Professors

Most people prefer not to have their personal activities out in public. Some people, such as the types listed above, try to maintain a positive public image. They don't want their financial records and information shared with others. They certainly don't want negative comments by their spouse or their spouse's attorney in a public forum.  Just being seen in a divorce court is a problem for some people.

So, what can you do? Consider trying the Collaborative Law process.

• There is a series of private and confidential meetings.
• You don't go to court, except to prove up the divorce at the end.
• Public records are minimized.
• Fighting is reduced.  You work with specially trained attorneys and, usually, with a neutral therapist to help maintain a good working environment.
• The timing is determined by the parties.
• The terms of the final agreement are set by the parties.

If privacy matters to you, talk with a trained and experienced Collaborative attorney about whether Collaborative Law would be the best process for you.

Protecting Your Privacy

One of the biggest advantages of using Collaborative Law to resolve family law issues, such as divorce, is the protection of privacy.

Privacy is very valuable to a number of people.  This includes:

• Professionals, such as doctors, attorneys, CPAs and others
• Business people, especially ones involved in owning and running businesses
• Politicians and office holders
• Athletes
• Educators
• Wealthy people with substantial assets
• A lot of other people who don't want their personal and financial affairs out in the public's view.

How does Collaborative Law protect privacy?  Here are some ways:

• The process involves a series of private meetings, rather than court appearances
• The meetings take place in private, even neutral, locations
• The meetings and discussions are confidential
• There is minimal involvement with the Court
• The terms of the final agreement can be kept private by using an Agreement Incident to Divorce which is not filed with the court papers
•  Discrete professionals help the parties come to agreements
• There is no battle of pleadings splashing allegations in the public view
• There is no testimony in court, other than at the prove-up at the end

If you are facing a divorce or other legal action, you should find a trained Collaborative lawyer and investigate whether your case would be appropriate for Collaborative Law.

Is Collaborative Law a Good Fit for You?

In a recent blog post, Adryenn Cantor, a San Diego, CA attorney included an excellent list of five questions for people to ask themselves to determine if they are a good candidate for using Collaborative Law in a divorce case.  Here are her questions:

1. "Do you want to end your marriage with respect and integrity? 

2. Is taking a rational and fair approach to dividing your assets more important than seeing yourself as a winner and your spouse as the loser in this process?

3. Are your children the most important aspect in this process?

4.  Is saving money, which could go to you or your children more important than spending it on protracted litigation?

5.  Do you want to model for yourself, your spouse and your children how mature adults handle significant challenges?"

Looking for a Little Privacy!

Every few years, Hollywood will come out with a movie like "War of the Roses" or "Kramer vs. Kramer" that highlights the damaging effects of extremely litigated divorces. Most people have family or friends, if not personal experience, with a contested divorce, and they are familiar with how divorces can become a public spectacle. While divorces vary in the degree of animosity and fighting, even relatively agreeable cases often involve at least some public displays of very personal matters.

One way for people to try to protect their privacy is to choose Collaborative Law as the process they use for a divorce or other family law matter. If you are facing the end of a marriage and you are deciding how to proceed, you might want to consider whether you want to use a private process or go public.

Here are some reasons why some people want to protect their privacy:

1. Many people using Collaborative Law own their own business. They may have a family business or a start-up business, or there may be a small business they have nurtured with a plan for it to grow in the future. Divorce for business owners can be scary because of the possibility of disrupting or damaging the business. Owners don't normally want their competitors to be able to find out the financial details about the business and wouldn't want competitors to get aggressive while the owner is distracted by a public, litigated divorce. Keeping the divorce quiet makes good business sense.

2. Professionals facing divorce are often drawn to Collaborative Law. Doctors, lawyers, CPAs, engineers, counselors and other professionals usually want to protect their professional image, and a messy divorce can really tarnish what had been a carefully protected image, which can hurt business.

3. Sometimes people going through a divorce don't want their neighbors to know. Not all neighbors are wonderful, but many people also wouldn't want good friends to know all about the divorce or their finances or personal habits, etc.

4. Similarly, many people wouldn't want some of their nosy relatives to know. Every family has busy-bodies and gossips. Some will have nasty relatives who are just trouble makers. In those situations, it can be really nice to do everything privately.

5. Protecting children can be very important to some parties. Children should not be exposed to adult disagreements and should not become players in the process Kids don't need to be able to read about their parents' divorce in the paper or go to the courthouse to find contentious documents with unflattering statements about the parents. Kids will obviously know a divorce is going on, but they don't need to be privy to the gory details of the breakup.

At a time when privacy seems to be slipping away because of technology, it's nice to have a divorce option that goes against the tide and provides a process for parties to a divorce to work privately with divorce lawyers and neutral professionals in a civilized manner. Collaborative Law is the option with that opportunity.

How Collaborative Law Protects Your Privacy

This is one in a series of postings about the advantages of Collaborative Law. For many people, privacy is one of the most valuable aspects of Collaborative Law. There are various reasons why someone might not want all of his or her dirty laundry or even clean laundry exposed to the public. The following are 5 ways that privacy can be an advantage of Collaborative Law.

• In Collaborative matters, there is a series of relatively brief, private meetings between the parties. In contrast, litigation usually involves open court rooms and public testimony. There is always some interest in having cameras in the court room, and that would really make the events public through television and the web. With cell phone cameras, even testimony in court could show up on YouTube.


• Collaborative cases feature confidential negotiations directly between the parties. The meetings are not open to the public and discussions are not to be disclosed. Litigation provides for the judge (or occasionally a jury) to make decisions which become part of the public record of the file.


• The Collaborative approach allows records to remain private. Litigation, on the other hand, involves a lot of public documents, pleadings and testimony, which are produced and displayed in the case. Many people would prefer to keep the personal information and records private.


• The privacy of Collaborative Law helps create a respectful atmosphere which is often in sharp contrast to parties who get out of control and create a public spectacle in litigation. Private sessions reduce the bad behavior that often develops in litigation.


• Working in a private and respectful atmosphere, Collaborative Law focuses on the future, not rehashing and emphasizing each other's faults. In litigation, attacks on one party usually draw out a stronger response in retaliation and a lot of negative energy develops. There is no actual or perceived need to strike back in Collaborative Practice, and such behavior would be quickly managed by the attorneys or a mental health professional acting as a neutral to help both parties.

Most people see the advantage of privacy in making important personal and financial decisions for themselves and their families. There is very little about litigation that permits privacy. Collaborative Law, on the other hand, provides excellent privacy for both parties in the case, and that's one of the significant reasons why people choose to solve their marital issues by using Collaborative Law.