What's the Role of the MHP in a Collaborative Divorce?

Most people think of therapists as "shrinks".  They do psychotherapy or psychological evaluations. 

In Texas Collaborative Law cases, we generally use a neutral therapist or mental health professional (MHP) to work with both parties.  The MHP does not do therapy for either party.  Instead, we rely on him/her to help in many other ways.

Here is a list of some of the ways MHPs help in Collaborative cases.

1.  Manage meetings as a neutral.

2.  Help the parties stay on their best behavior.

3.  Help the parties learn how to communicate better with each other.

4.  Enhance the listening skills for everyone.

5.  Make sure everyone is heard at joint meetings.

6.  Help the attorneys realize when a party is having a difficult session.

7.  Help the parties create a parenting plan.

8.  Add another perspective for the attorneys as the case progresses.

9.  Help the parties work on and refine their goals for the process.

10. Answer parenting questions and help parents decide how to talk with their children.

As you can see, the MHP has a major role in Collaborative cases.  As an attorney who worked in Collaborative Law before therapists were brought into the process, I would emphatically state that MHPs are essential to the success of the process.  We can get better results, with less stress and in a shorter time, when we involve a therapist from the beginning.  I always insist on that!

Do I Really Need an MHP (Mental Health Professional)?

Sometimes, people start to wonder what they've gotten themselves into.  They go in to hire an attorney to do a Collaborative Divorce and they end up with a lawyer and a shared therapist and shared financial advisor.

So, why should they feel good about working with a neutral mental health professional (MHP)?  Here are some of the benefits:

Communication Facilitator.  The MHP helps the parties be comfortable in meetings.  Since the Collaborative process relies heavily on getting both parties to express their feelings, wants and needs, it is important to have someone who is trained in helping people express themselves effectively.

Maintaining Order. An MHP acts like a discussion traffic cop, if necessary.  That means that the MHP not only draws out information from the parties, but helps regulate the behavior of the parties, and even the attorneys, if needed.  Family law issues are very personal and emotional.  Attorneys are not trained to be able to recognize emotional issues and responses, much less manage them, but the mental health professional is.  I have had many situations where we took a "time out" in a joint meeting at the insistence of the MHP to cool things down or deal with some emotional issues that were building up that us attorneys weren't noticing.  Our meetings were literally saved by the MHP being able to intervene and help everyone.

Improving Listening.  People take it for granted that they know how to listen to others, but lack of listening is actually one of the biggest complaints in marriages.  MHPs are constantly helping parties become better listeners.  Part of that effort is helping people speak appropriately and part is making sure that messages are being heard correctly.  Having a neutral expert help with that develops an extremely beneficial skill which people can take away from the process.

Coaching.  While an MHP does not get involved in therapy during the Collaborative process, he or she can help the parties deal with the pressures and stresses of going through a legal process.  As a side benefit, I have had MHPs help me better understand my own client by explaining what's going on under the surface.  Getting a divorce or dealing with other family law issues can be less daunting for both with the expert help of the neutral MHP.

Parenting Specialist.  Sometimes, we bring in a separate child specialist to help the parties develop a parenting plan to take care of the children.  In many cases, however, we utilize the MHP who generally has considerable experience in helping to resolving kid issues.  They can help the parties work out living arrangements, shared possession schedules, support issues, how to share the powers of parents and such hot-button issues as managing extra-curricular activities and expenses  and how and when to tell the children about new romantic relationships of the parents.  Much of the preliminary work on those issues can be handled off-line.

Caveat 1:  The above is based on how we work with mental health professionals in Texas.  Other states and jurisdictions work with MHPs in different ways.  No way is automatically better than all others.  Each area tends to develop their own approaches, so just be sure to get information that relates to your jurisdiction.

Caveat 2:  Because of my experience, I will generally not handle a Collaborative case without a neutral mental health professional.  That is true with many other Collaborative attorneys in my area.

What if You're Uncomfortable Talking About Your Case?

If you enter into a Collaborative Law procedure, you should expect to speak up for yourself, but don't feel overwhelmed if you are not comfortable speaking to your spouse or others in that context. You will have the support of your attorney, the neutral mental health professional and possibly a coach. For context, you should keep in mind that, in litigation, you could end up speaking/testifying in court, a much less supportive environment. 

If you are in litigation, there's not too much than can be done unless you can work out a settlement without going to court.   Otherwise, you will probably have to testify.  The other side can even call you as a witness.

In a Collaborative case, there are several things that can be done.

• First, discuss the situation with your attorney.  In Collaboration, you are normally expected to speak up and give information and your opinion on different matters.  If you are not comfortable, please discuss that with your attorney as soon as possible.  The attorney might be able to reassure you, or the attorney might help you come up with some strategies to overcome it or compensate for the feelings. 

• You should also discuss your feelings with the mental health professional (MHP).  We use the MHP in Texas as a communication coach.  She or he can help you deal with your underlying concerns or help you learn strategies to overcome the issue.

• You can get  a personal counselor or coach for just you.  Please let your attorney know, but there's nothing wrong with getting some help for that issue.  If you don't know a counselor or coach, your attorney or the MHP can help you find one.

•  In some cases, your attorney can carry more of the load for speaking at meetings.  Normally, we prefer for each party to speak for himself or herself, but it is possible to work out some other arrangements.  You can discuss that with your attorney.

• The professionals can probably come up with other  ideas on how to help you,  They meet frequently by themselves during the Collaborative process, and they can customize some solution to work in your unique situation.

 The main thing is to communicate your feelings and concerns as early in the process as possible.  Your attorney is a good starting point, as is the MHP.  The good news is that the Collaborative Law  process is much more flexible than litigation in dealing with circumstances like this. 

You Don't Have to be Crazy to Benefit from the Mental Health Professional

Collaborative lawyers in Tarrant County, Texas will almost always insist on using a neutral mental health professional (MHP) in a major role in a Collaborative Law case here. Although the Collaborative Law statute doesn't require the use of an MHP, there are few, if any, cases started in Tarrant County that don't include an MHP. If you are considering whether to try the process as a settlement method, you might want to know why we insist on bringing in another professional.

At first, using the therapist may just seem like an unnecessary additional cost for the clients to bear. When we started doing Collaborative cases 10 years ago, we didn't automatically bring in the counselor at the beginning. We sometimes brought one in during the process if things started to fall apart and the parties were threatening to quit. A therapist at that point sometimes was successful in helping us reach an agreement, but sometimes things were too far gone to be fixed. The lesson became clear: the neutral MHP was very helpful, especially if we brought them in early.

Here are some specific reasons why mental health professionals have become integral to the Collaborative Law process:

1. MHPs can help the parties change perspectives during the case. When the spouses are dealing with kid issues, they need to relate to each other as adult parents who are on the same team. When they are dealing with property division issues, they are in the roles of spouses -- husbands and wives -- which is different from parents. Co-parenting is an important goal for most well-intentioned parents, and an MHP can help spouses switch gears and get into a co-parenting mode when they discuss child support, visitation and other child-related issues. Husbands and wives still need to be cooperative in dealing with property division issues, but it is a different point of view.

2. MHPs can help the parties learn to listen better. That is a very valuable skill that will improve communication and can lead to better cooperation. Everyone feels better if they know they are being heard by others. Too often, spouses going through a divorce engage in arguments without seriously listening to each other. A neutral therapist can help train the parties to improve their listening skills and that may help the parties have a better relationship post-divorce.

3. MHPs can help the parties learn to communicate better. Word choice is an under-appreciated element of effective communication. With some guidance from a neutral MHP, a party can become a more effective negotiator by avoiding saying some things that will usually trigger an angry response from their spouse. Therapists can often help the parties recognize and avoid emotionally-laden words and phrases. Just avoiding using the word "you" and replacing it with an "I" statement (for example: saying "I feel insecure when I don't get to see the financial records...." instead of "You never let me see the bank statements" ) effectively conveys the message without attacking the spouse.

4. MHPs help the parties manage their emotions. With skills that attorneys don't ordinarily possess, therapists can often recognize anger, fear and other emotions in time to deal with them before they derail the process. As effective as Collaborative Law is, the process is still often very emotional and difficult. MHPs often meet or talk with the parties between joint meetings and can help defuse small problems before they become big issues.

5. MHPs observe and are alert to developing problems at joint meetings. They keep the peace and keep the parties from becoming upset at meetings. With a counselor watching and listening to the parties, we can quickly intervene and stop escalating bad behaviors, such as anger, offensive body language or controlling actions or statements. The MHPs help the parties keep the high ground and not fall into old patterns of arguments that can be very destructive.

Having a neutral mental health professional active from the beginning of the case helps the parties be prepared for problems, avoid problems and react appropriately to difficult and stressful situations. Rather than being considered just an additional expense, MHPs are usually a lifesaver for the process, an excellent investment in reaching an agreement and a better post-divorce relationship.

Don't be surprised if your Collaborative divorce lawyer in Fort Worth or Tarrant County insists on working with a therapist. You would be crazy to disregard that advice.

Dealing with Anger

Collaborative divorce is often described as a peaceful means of settling very difficult family issues. Just like in litigated cases in the court system, Collaborative divorces sometimes experience displays of anger between the parties. That is unavoidable, and it may not be all bad.

Anger is a natural and very common aspect of divorce. Virtually everyone going through a divorce will experience periods of anger towards their spouse. Most people work through the anger at some point, but some have a great deal of trouble letting go of the anger.

Experience, and therapists, tell us that bottling up the feelings of anger can be unhealthy. That doesn't necessarily mean that we should encourage the parties in a Collaborative case to just share their immediate emotions without thinking about it.
On the other hand, the Collaborative Law process provides several ways to help manage the parties' emotions to lead to constructive results. Here are some that come into play:


Managing Emotions

• In Texas, we usually use a neutral mental health professional (MHP) as a communication facilitator. In that role, the MHP works with each party to manage any feelings of anger. They help the parties learn useful skills that can benefit their other family, personal and business relationship. MHPs can work with parties to teach them how to maintain control so they don't immediately shift into "fight" mode. They learn how to listen better and how to chose words to express their feelings without escalating the conflict.

• Another important key is helping the parties to stay focused on the "Roadmap to Resolution", the step-by-step process that we follow to reach an agreement. The Roadmap helps people take things a step at a time. Breaking the process into small, incremental steps helps the parties concentrate on useful and productive issues, avoiding the easy distractions into side issues that can come up.

• If need be, we can also arrange individual therapy for one or both of the parties. Sometimes there are long-term issues that require extra help. Other times, counseling can lead to better understanding and better skills by the participants. There's almost no one who couldn't benefit by some counseling during a divorce, even in the Collaborative process.

• How information is handled is a significant advantage over the methods used in litigation. The requirements that the parties cooperate with each other and share information help because they eliminate gamesmanship and skirmishes on side issues. Transparency and cooperation are the opposites of what normally happens in divorces in litigation. The openness of the process helps reduce stress and anger.

• The Collaborative experience is enhanced by direct communications between the attorneys and parties. The fact that we have joint meetings, face-to-face, helps us avoid the common problem of distortions of communications as they pass from party to attorney, then attorney to attorney, and then attorney to party. Direct discussions with immediate responses and conclusions help minimize misunderstandings that can lead to anger. They also cut down on delay.

As effective a process as it usually is, Collaborative Law can't make anger disappear. In divorces and other family law matters, it's not unusual for the parties to get mad. Through the use of a variety of tools, however, Collaborative practice is better able to diffuse the anger and deal with the situation in ways that help preserve important family relationships. That's a major reason why many attorneys and parties are recommending Collaborative Law.

Stop Re-living Someone Else's Past!

Tracy Stewart is a CPA in College Station and a very active neutral financial expert in Collaborative cases. She is also a very good writer and produces an excellent blog, the Texas Divorce Finance Blog. She mixes common sense, good financial advice and very appropriate suggestions for Collaborative cases. She recently posted about a common problem that many people face. No matter how many times attorneys and other professionals tell clients not to listen to what their well-meaning family, friends and even strangers want to tell them about how to act in a divorce, the easiest course of action usually seems to be to ignore the professionals' advice and do what the amateurs suggested.

I do my best to make it clear that such a course of action is almost always a bad decision, but Tracy really makes the case in a way that can't be misunderstood. Here's her excellent post:

"Not infrequently, I hear people tell me about the divorce advice they are absorbing. This advice comes from people they trust and believe.

"My friend, who’s been through a divorce, told me I need to hire the meanest attorney I can find so I can crush my nasty husband/wife.

"My friend, who’s been through a divorce, told me to withdraw all the money from our savings account before my wife/husband does it first.

"Do not allow these people relive their divorces through your life and at your emotional and financial expense. If you must engage in such conversations with them, keep it restrained to a pat on the head/hand/shoulder and murmur, 'There, there. It must have been an awful ordeal for you'. But do not get take their advice. Their divorce is not your divorce and vice versa.

"Normally, they are not divorce professionals. (Even if they are, they are not objective.) They don’t have a thorough understanding of marital dissolution law, divorce finances and the relationship nuances of your crumbling relationship.

"Not infrequently, I see people go through senseless emotional turmoil, wasted time and ill spent money in their efforts to follow their friend’s sage advice. Of course, you can have girlfriends or buddies with whom to drown your sorrows or cry over coffee. But do not take their advice. Seek professional advice.

"Remember: You are not divorcing your friend’s ex-spouse."

Advice from friends and family is an abundant commodity during a divorce. Sometimes it's good, and it's given with the intention of helping you, but following the advice can conflict with the strategies that your professionals are using for your case. You should keep in mind that your shadow advisers are not in charge of the case, they don't have the legal or technical knowledge that your professionals have and they don't know how their suggestions fit in, or conflict with, your overall case strategy. It's fine to pass along to your attorney or other professional the golden nuggets of information you hear, but let the professional decide whether to implement the suggestions. Your focus must be on taking care of your case rather than validating someone else's leftover strategies from their divorce.

Introducing Parents' New Boyfriends or Girlfriends

One of the significant benefits of using Collaborative Law and including a child specialist is that the parties can make thoughtful and appropriate decisions about how to best introduce their children to new adults in the parents' lives. Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog has had two recent posts on the topic of visitation, children and sleep overs. There are no uniform rules on having boyfriends or girlfriends of a parent spend the night after a divorce has been granted or stating when and how the children should be introduced to such a new friend.

My suggestion about dating while the divorce is pending is to wait until after the divorce is granted. I had posts on that topic in 2007 and 2008.

The Problem: Assuming that the divorce is now granted, there are still important issues to be dealt with regarding introducing new romantic interests to the children. Collaborative Law provides a forum to have thoughtful discussions about what would be best for the children. While a selfish parent might want the freedom to bring new boyfriends or girlfriends around the children without restriction, a more mature approach involves taking into account the age, emotional state and the maturity of the children in deciding when and how to introduce them to a new "special friend". This should not be just an opportunity to flout one's independence and attractiveness in front of an ex-spouse. Some parents might enjoy showing off their new dating partner in front of the kids and possibly the ex-spouse, but the parents should be looking more long term.

The Effect on Children: Having experienced their parents' divorce, kids may be a little unsettled for a while. They need stability, predictability and safety. They want to know that they can depend on their parents and that neither parent will be abandoning the children. Bringing around a new significant other in the first few months after the divorce can create worry on the part of the children. They may wonder if the parent will be leaving the kids again and going away with a possible new spouse. It can also cut into the time the children could have been spending with their parent.

Solutions: An important feature of Collaborative Law, as practiced in Fort Worth and Tarrant County, is that we usually bring in a neutral child specialist to work with the parties. Having an experienced professional looking out for the children's best interests really helps the parties reach appropriate agreements and avoid deadlocks.

The good news is that Collaborative Law enables the parties to directly address the issue and put a plan in place to protect the children, to the extent it is needed. For example, the parties may agree to not introduce, for 6 months or a year, the children to someone the parent is dating. Since the odds of the parent breaking up with a dating partner within 6 -- 12 months are pretty high, the kids are kept away from an unstable lifestyle at a time when they may be a little fragile. In a litigated divorce in Texas, there is virtually no chance that such an agreement would be imposed by a judge and there wouldn't be much incentive for the parties to agree on that on their own.

Conclusion: Collaborative Law clearly provides a better opportunity to protect the children and assist in a safe and smooth transition from the intact family to two families. Using a child specialist and crafting an agreement that covers all aspects of introducing new adults into the children's lives is a smart way to help ensure the safety and health of the children.

What You Can Learn from a Divorce Coach

I have just run across another blog about Collaborative Law. It is from Maryland and it has some really good posts about Collaborative Law. The posts show some of the variations in how the Collaborative process is used in various states. The blog is called Divorce Without Dishonor and is written by Michael A. Mastracci of Baltimore. I recommend that you check it out. Although in Texas we usually utilize a single,neutral divorce coach/communication coach/mental health professional, that person's role is virtually the same as what Michael explains for Maryland. The following is a post from that blog:

"In a collaborative divorce, each spouse usually hires their own divorce coach to help them learn to communicate and negotiate more effectively. These coaches are an integral part of the collaborative divorce team. They teach life skills that will form the basis for your post-divorce relationship with your spouse. If you have children, the skills learned from your divorce coach can make co-parenting go more smoothly after the divorce.

"Your divorce coach will provide you will skilled help in:

Managing your emotions appropriately.

• Separating your thoughts from your feelings.
• Thinking through emotionally charged issues.
• Learning to talk about difficult problems in a businesslike manner.
• Setting short and long-term goals for yourself, your children and your co-parenting relationship.

"Conflict management, creative problem-solving, negotiation and productive communication are among the valuable life skills you can learn with the help of your divorce coach. Your coach can help you identify bad habits and problem areas in your relationship with your spouse and learn to communicate more productively. Divorce coaches help you and your spouse focus more clearly on your individual goals and the positive changes that can come about as a result of your divorce."

Again, the description is extremely similar to what our joint neutral expert does here in Texas. The bottom line is that Collaborative Law provides an important tool that is almost never used in litigation, and the stress, fighting and destruction of relationship are the harmful results of that deficiency in litigation. In Tarrant County, Texas, we use the single neutral coach more and more, and the benefits are apparent. Talk to your Collaborative attorney and find out how you can work with a coach to help you reach a successful resolution through Collaborative Law.

I'm Not Crazy -- Why Do We Need a Therapist?

Collaborative Law divorce cases in Texas more and more are relying on a single neutral mental health professional (MHP) and a single neutral financial professional (FP) to assist the attorneys and parties. Some people resist bringing in the MHPeither because they think the cost will be too great or because they don't think they will need the help. I'll deal with the cost issue in more detail in a separate post, but now I would like to discuss the value an MHP brings to the process.

Many parties to a divorce (or other Collaborative case) think they aren't "crazy", so they don't need to use a therapist. Ignoring, for now, the fact that most people are not really able to objectively diagnose themselves, craziness is not really the rationale for using an MHP in the process. The MHP does not do "therapy" with the parties or try to cure problems. The therapist generally works more as a "coach" for the parties to help them deal with a difficult and stressful situation and still be able to function effectively.

The following are my Top 5 Reasons for using a Mental Health Professional in a Collaborative case:

5. The MHP can help maintain order at meetings. At the first joint meeting, we normally agree on behavior guidelines for all to follow. While we all start out with the best of intentions, people sometimes forget the original agreements and slip into old patterns of arguing. That's when the MHP can step in and gently correct the behavior and help us get back on track. Even with parties who seemingly get along very well, it is easy for a session to degenerate to an argument unless there is expert help to intervene.

4. The MHP is much better than most attorneys at observing and interpreting body language and can help head off small problems before they get bigger. I had a case where the MHP became aware that one party's feelings were hurt by something that was said and the attorneys were completely unaware of it. The MHP was able to stop us so we could address the party's concerns and then get back to the discussion on finances. In another case, the MHP detected that one party was becoming nervous and upset. The MHP correctly figured out the party felt that her spouse was being domineering and she felt she was not being heard. We were able to provide reassurance by changing the way the discussion was proceeding. Because the MHP talks with the parties before and after the joint meetings, the MHP is alert to potential problems and can step in early to provide help.

3. One of the most beneficial things an MHP does is help keep both parties focused on the important goals for each of them. Even with good intentions, one or both parties will often get off subject and start discussing topics that don't really help them get to final agreements on the primary issues. An MHP can easily and nicely help the parties to remain focused on the important goals they identified at the outset.

2. The neutral perspective of the MHP is helpful in providing feedback to both parties. The MHP is perceived as impartial, so criticisms and suggestions are more easily received by the parties. Sometimes, the parties like to run ideas by the MHP for a reaction and analysis. Having a neutral expert is really helpful to the parties when discussing the merits of different ideas.

1. A divorce or other family law dispute really is a stressful situation and the MHP helps both parties deal with the stress. The MHP will usually meet with both parties before the first joint meeting and discuss how the process works as well as the background facts of the case. The MHP will usually talk with the parties after each joint meeting and normally attends all joint meetings. Each party gets well prepared and knows generally what to expect at the meetings. In addition, during meetings, the MHP is there to reassure both parties and maintain an atmosphere that is respectful and safe. The parties in a Collaborative divorce are not free from stress, but they are much better able to handle it and usually face smaller doses of it than they would in a traditional litigated divorce.

These are some of the main reasons why it is really helpful to have a mental health professional help with each Collaborative case. In the end, the parties have always (in my cases) appreciated the work of the MHP. In my experience, there is no doubt that an MHP increases the likelihood of a successful outcome for the case. You would almost be crazy to not want to use one. Seriously, you should discuss with your Collaborative attorney whether to bring an MHP into the case. If you do bring in one, I'm sure you'll see the benefit.

How to Save Money in a Collaborative Divorce

When people learn about Collaborative Law as they are about to begin the process of divorce, many become very interested in trying it because of the opportunities for creative solutions, privacy, control over the outcome, civility, etc. that are associated with Collaborative Law. Some are a little skeptical about whether they and their spouse can get along well enough to work out an agreement. When a Collaborative attorney explains that the Texas model of Collaborative Law offers the assistance of a neutral mental health professional (MHP), also known as a Communication Specialist or Coach, to help both parties operate at their most effective and cooperative levels, they like the idea, but sometimes worry about the cost.

What we have learned is that the cost of the MHP is a great investment because the MHP helps both parties communicate appropriately and maintain a safe and relatively calm environment. Having a neutral communication specialist during the Collaborative process actually helps meetings be more productive and less argumentative than they could be otherwise. In addition to being more comfortable and satisfied with the process, the parties actually end up saving money.

In a Collaborative Divorce, the phrase, "more is less" really makes sense. By adding another participant to the process, the parties operate more efficiently and spend less time arguing. The time they spend in meetings is productive because they are assisted by the neutral MHP who helps the parties communicate in more helpful ways that advance their own interests. While it may seem personally satisfying to berate a spouse for various faults, those comments rarely contribute to an eagerness for that spouse to want to settle.

There are some potential difficulties even in Collaborative cases with parties who really want the process to work out. Inevitably, there are some tough, emotional meetings that challenge the abilities of the parties to maintain the civility that is a hallmark of Collaborative law. Hiring a neutral mental health professional may be the single best way to save money in a Collaborative Divorce.

(A slightly different version of this posting was previously published in the Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas blog.)