Is Your Long-Term Marriage Ending?

 

If you have been married for a long time or you are over 50 years of age and you are facing a divorce, you need to get active to protect yourself.  You have some big changes ahead of you.

Even if this is a surprise or your spouse is doing the wrong thing, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.  You will need help and support from others, but you can't sit back and wait to be rescued.

As you are getting acclimated to your situation, here are some steps you can take.

1. Work on a budget. As hard as it may be, you need to figure out your essential needs and how much they will cost. Obviously, you need to think about how to pay them. Don't worry about being perfect. Just start on figuring out the finances so you can see what your needs are.

2. Think about jobs. You may already have a job. If so, will your income stretch to cover your bills? If you don't have a job, what can you do to make a living?  You might have to take a part-time job if nothing is immediately available for you. Consider your income and needs, job qualifications and time schedule. If you have children at home, you will need to figure in your time commitment to them.

3. Be open to changing homes.  Should you keep or sell the house? What can you afford? Do you need to be near the kids, grandkids, work or friends? Some people don't want to move, but really can't afford to pay for the house they are currently in. Even if the other party is at fault, there's no guarantee you get to keep the house (or that you should!).

4. See a counselor. We can refer you to some excellent counselors who can help you try to make sense of  divorce. It's better in the long run for you to get quality help.

5.Consider Collaborative Divorce.  Divorces often have complicated issues that are better resolved over a period of time with some thoughtful creativity. You shouldn't be eager for an uninterested judge to make random decisions about your life. Wouldn't you rather work with qualified people and consider a wider range of options?  You should at least visit with an experienced Collaborative attorney.

[If you go see a "Collaborative" attorney who just tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, do yourself a favor and get a second opinion. Unfortunately, some attorneys advertise as Collaborative, but only use that to draw you in. Then they convince people to go back to litigation -- usually because that attorney doesn't do Collaborative cases after all.]

How to Protect Yourself in Divorce Over 50

As Baby Boomers reach middle age and beyond, many will experience a divorce occurring late in life.  That timing can create special problems.  Getting a routine divorce and splitting everything in half may seem like an acceptable outcome, but it may not be.

My suggestion is to look into using Collaborative Law.  Because a Collaborative divorce is focused on the goals and needs of the parties, you will automatically be starting in a better position. Rather than mechanically dividing everything in half, Collaborative gives you the opportunity to craft a customized divorce agreement that can benefit both parties.  Do yourself a favor and talk with a Collaborative attorney before you get started.

Here are some suggestions if you are facing a "gray divorce":

1.  Don't blow things up.  Don't start off by attacking your spouse or trying to punish him/her for past transgressions.  Your aggressive moves will probably be met by equally aggressive moves and things will escalate.  You will be much  better off, and save money, if you don't start off in battle mode.

2.  Work with a counselor.  This is a good way to keep a lid on it.  A therapist can help you deal with the natural anger that often occurs in divorce.  Having a rational, experienced person on your side to listen to you vent and to make helpful suggestions is extremely valuable.

3.  Get a job or training, if you need to.  Coming out of a divorce, both spouses normally have to work. If you've been out of the workforce for a few years, or a lot of years, you probably will need some education to sharpen and update your skills.  If you need to put off starting the divorce so that you can go  to school on community funds, do it if you can.  There will always be less money once you separate, so do what you can while you are together.

4.  Gather all the financial records that you can.  Make copies and keep them in a secure place.  Don't destroy or hide the original records.  Just get copies of the last 2-3 years of bank and credit card statements, as well as tax returns, insurance policies, mortgage records and any other significant records you can uncover.

5.  Make a plan for yourself.  Identify needs and goals that will be important to you after the divorce. Work on a financial plan, including a budget, early on.  You may need to work with a financial planner who can help you understand your assets, liabilities and possibilities.  Also, create a network of family and friends who can support you emotionally as you go through the process.  You need to work with a counselor, but friends are also invaluable.  Don't forget to consider your kids, even the adult ones.  They can have a good relationship with both parents post divorce and you should not be trying to sabotage it.

The most important step, if you are over 50 and facing a divorce, is to consult with a Collaborative Lawyer as early as possible.  Do as much advance preparation as possible to improve your outcome. Good luck!

Facing a Divorce Later in Life?

What happens when long-term marriages head to the divorce court?  It's not pretty for either party.

It has become noticeable that Baby Boomers and even older people are starting to experience a significant number of divorces.  Couples married for 20 to 40 years are getting divorced.  A long-term marriage does not automatically guarantee that it won't end in divorce.  Part of the cause may be a greater life span for people.  Maybe it used to be that divorce didn't come up for older couples because one or both partners died before they got too old.

Now, "gray divorce" is an event that more older people experience, even though most never thought it would come to that.  Consequently, they are unprepared for what is happening.  If you find yourself in that situation, consider the following actions to help you begin to think about how to respond.

1.  The first thing you need to do is hire an attorney.  After a long marriage, and given the health and other issues that can arise at an older age, you have a lot at stake.  You should not, even if you are a lawyer, try to represent yourself.  Even if you don't want the divorce, you need to be protected and assisted.  Don't try to do it on your own.  There are many complicated issues you will face and they will determine much of your future.  Hire an experienced attorney, one you are comfortable with and one who is a good listener.

2.  Consider using Collaborative Law.  After a long marriage, there can be a myriad of issues to resolve, from dealing with teen-age or adult children, starting over with a career, health insurance, retirement assets, what to do with the house, how to provide support to get a spouse on her or his feet, health issues and many other concerns.  Collaborative Law has the potential to allow the parties to come up with creative, unique settlement ideas that directly address their concerns.  Here in Tarrant County, we use a neutral financial professional to help with financial planning, budgeting and other issues, and we use a neutral therapist to help the parties figure out the best ways to resolve children- and family-issues.  You really don't need a cookie-cutter approach on the terms of divorce.  You need something to respond to your specific needs.  You should talk to a trained Collaborative attorney to see if  Collaborative  would benefit you.

3.  You need to financially plan for at least two stages:  interim and retirement.  Depending on your ages, you and your spouse may have anywhere from a few to many years before retirement.  Either way, you will need to consider how both parties will get by financially on an immediate basis and then to retirement.  It is very common for one party to have been a stay-at-home parent who remained out of the workforce for years.  That spouse will need help figuring out a career and getting started.  Afterwards, the retirement assets will need to be divided between the parties.  There's obviously a lot of financial planning to be done and Collaborative Law offers the best set-up to meet that need. 

4.  You should consider the effects of the divorce on all the family members.  After a long-term marriage, it will be hard on everyone, but especially the children.  Using the neutral therapist in a Collaborative context allows you expert help with the family issues.  Children can really be hurt by divorce, even if they are adults.  You should carefully plan out how to address the divorce before you start telling your children and other people.

5.  Each party should work with a counselor or life coach.  Any divorce can be difficult, but one after a long-term marriage can lead to a much more difficult transition.  Professional help is really warranted.  Don't try to do it on your own.

Hopefully, these points will give you some ideas on what to expect and some things you can do if you find yourself facing divorce after a long-term marriage. This post is mainly to identify some issues and to get your started. Be sure to get good professional help.  Good luck!

5 Reasons to Use Collaborative Law for a Divorce after a Long-Term Marriage

Divorces for Baby Boomers and others who have been in long-term marriages can be complicated and emotionally difficult.  Unfortunately, the court system doesn't provide a very gentle or nuanced response to divorce situations.  Most often, courts take a one-size-fits-all approach.  They apply standard guidelines for child support and visitation and will divide assets on a roughly 50-50 basis, unless there are special reasons that might justify a  55-45 or 60-40 split, or something in that neighborhood.  Although the purse strings have loosened somewhat over the past few years, alimony is still not much of a factor.

One of the best ways to get an appropriate, customized, creative agreement is to utilize Collaborative Law.  Here are some reasons why it's a good approach for ending long-term marriages.


1.  The Collaborative process allows the parties to respectfully manage their emotions.    Both parties usually work with a neutral mental health professional (MHP) who can help the parties acknowledge anger, fear, anxiety or whatever other emotion shows up.  The MHP can also share constructive ways to deal with their emotions, and also help the other party accept the emotions without overreacting.


2.  A Collaborative divorce can proceed with reasonable speed to accommodate the needs of both parties. The process does not rely on arbitrary timetables that must be followed.  The parties, with professional guidance, work out their own schedule and plan for resolving the issues.  Collaborative Law allows both parties to be comfortable with the scheduling.  Sometimes the parties must take some financial steps, such as planning or finding employment, that  will take some time, and it is easy to find the time for that in Collaborative Law.


3.  Expert financial guidance is easily available.  We usually start off with a neutral financial professional (FP) who manages the gathering and organizing of the financial records. That is much more efficient than relying on attorneys and their staffs to supervise the financial information. If we need specialized financial help, a neutral, joint expert can be hired to deal with the issue.

4.  Privacy is protected.  Virtually all work is done in private, confidential meetings.  We don't have hearings at the courthouse and don't do formal discovery or depositions.  We reach private agreements as we progress, instead of having multiple public hearings.

5.  Cost is reasonable.  Collaborative Law is not cheap, but there are some cost savings.  We utilize single, neutral experts whenever needed, in addition to the MHP and FP.  When there is a business or real estate to be appraised, we use one agreed-upon expert instead of dueling experts.  Much of the preliminary work is done with the FP and MHP, without the attorneys being present, which saves a great deal of money.  Even when we have the full team present with the parties, meetings generally run more efficiently because of the experts guiding the discussions. 

Ending a long-term marriage is complicated and deserves a careful, competent and unrushed process. Collaborative Law is usually the best approach for everyone involved.

Finding a Job Later in Life While Going Through a Divorce

Many people going through a divorce face the prospect of needing to get a job right away because they will be living on their own and will need the income to support themselves and maybe their children. For Baby Boomers and others later in life, it's a whole new world with a job market they have never experienced.

Finding a job can be daunting any time you are searching when you don't already have a job. The difficulty is heightened if you are suddenly on the market, especially when you haven't worked for a while. Not being able to plan ahead for a job search can make it hard to qualify for some jobs at the same time you experience the urgency of needing something right away. That can be compounded when you don't even know what kind of work you want to do.

These problems are intensified even more when the economy is very slowly leaving a recession, which means that a lot of other people are looking for jobs at the same time you are, when there aren't many jobs available. If you also happen to be going through a divorce, the pressure can seem overwhelming.

Getting Started -- Analyzing Yourself
Since you need to know what to apply for, you may want to consult with a counselor, an employment adviser or an employment agency for guidance in determining a career target. It's important to figure out, if you don't already know, what kinds of careers would possibly work for you. There are some aptitude tests to help you focus on the careers that match your personality, interests and experience. Do some testing before you start searching, so you'll know what to aim for.

Once you decide the type of work you think you want to do, here are some additional steps that can help you find a job.

1. Freshen your resume. First, get a professional to look over what you have and help you come up with appropriate content and design. Resumes are very different from what was common 15 or 20 or 30 years ago. If you haven't been working outside the home, you need to be able to deal with that issue.

2. Do volunteer work. If you don't have recent paid work experience, you can do volunteer work that can improve your resume, especially if the volunteering was related to the field that you want to work in. Doing unpaid work is also a way to try out a field and decide if it is something that might interest you. For example, if you want to be a teacher, help out at a school. You can be an intern for different companies and get a feel for whether you would be comfortable in the industry or in that company.

3. Brush up your skills. You might have a college degree or previous work experience in a field, but if you haven't worked in the field for years, you probably need a refresher course and new skills. We all know how much things have changed throughout our lives. You should plan on getting training for your field, no matter how much experience you had before.

4. Put yourself out there. Plan on networking in person and through the social media. LinkedIn, Twitter and even Facebook can be platforms to tell the world that you are looking for a job and to connect with people who might be able to help you get a job. There are lots of networking groups around that focus on finding jobs. You might join one of those, if you are comfortable with it. At the very least, you need to tell people (in a positive way) that you are looking for a job and you should be able to tell them exactly what you want. You've got to keep talking with everyone about your quest -- you're marketing yourself, so plan on investing your time and energy in it.

5. Get a technology tune-up. Find out the latest technology and software being used in your target industry, and then take some quick classes to upgrade your skills. Having a good personality is usually no longer good enough to get a job. Pretty much everyone uses computers and other technology for almost every job. You need to be able to show your proficiency with current technology for your career.

When you discover that you need to get a job, especially if you are a little older and haven't worked in a while, you will have to work extra hard to find a good job. If you have any other suggestions to help others, please send in a comment with your ideas!

New Skills for Finding a Job -- Using Social Media

If you are a Baby Boomer, 50 years old or more, and contemplating a divorce, you will have to make many changes in your life. Among the most important may be finding a job or career, if you will need or want to work. It is pretty common, for people going through a divorce later in life, to need to work to support themselves and their family. Many Baby Boomers have been staying at home and taking care of kids for years. Even if they worked when they were younger, their skills are rusty and their old jobs have been filled or abolished. In addition, the Boomers may have different interests now, or maybe they never liked their old jobs in the first place.

If you find yourself in this situation, there is some good news. There are many new opportunities for marketing yourself to potential employers. The Internet is the natural starting point. There are some fairly new approaches to finding a job and getting yourself known to companies and people who are hiring. Before jumping in, here are three important points to keep in mind.

Planning Ahead with Social Media

• Be careful. Make sure you think before you speak or write something. You will be judged by what you say and do on the Internet and by what your pictures show on the Internet. A lot of party pictures and stories may not convey the image you want. Watch spelling, grammar and word choice in anything written.
• Be targeted. Think about who you want to hire you and the best way to reach your potential employer. Use whatever tools you can find that will bring you into contact with acceptable employers. Don't just rely on general notices or comments. Research the industry and figure out what the leaders are involved in and then communicate there.
• Be creative. Think outside the box and find appropriate ways to distinguish yourself from the myriad of other candidates, but use good taste. Don’t just use the basic information everyone else will. Try to approach each potential employer uniquely and show that you have taken the time to research their business. Be memorable -- in a good way!

How Can You Use Social Media?

Make sure you research and determine what media your industry relates to and then watch it for a while before you jump in. Here are a few possibilities, but there are many more and there are new tools and sites created constantly, so keep looking around.

1. You Tube. You have to be very careful to be appropriate, but this can be a strong attention getter if it’s well done. You may need professional help in putting together some short videos, but you can really connect with well-done products.

2. LinkedIn. This won’t work for all jobs, but for professional careers and some others, this can be very effective. There is a huge number of people who are on LinkedIn and you can do research on a company and other employees (including interviewers, sometimes), so you can be prepared to apply. There are discussion groups for many different subjects on LinkedIn. If you can join in the discussions and contribute with give and take, you can make some connections who might help you get hired somewhere. It’s a good site where you can get to know others with similar career interests.

3. Listserves. There are tons of listserves for all kinds of interests. Search and you can probably find some you can join that relate to a particular type of job or even how to find a job. Over time, you can become friends and help each other out. You need to be able to contribute to the discussions. By being active, you will probably be able to get some useful information on a career as well as companies in your field.

4. Twitter. You can follow local people in whatever you are interested in. If you can contribute to discussions and add something interesting and useful, perhaps some links, you can develop relationships that could lead to work. You should carefully target your field and your geographic area. Don’t try to just get the highest number of followers by using some secret trick – it won’t work and it’s not worth anything to you anyway.

5. Facebook. This is mainly listed because so many people are on Facebook now. Plus, there are business or fan pages and you can look up businesses and learn about them through these pages. On the regular Facebook, you can make new connections and you can re-connect with old friends. If you take time to create and nurture relationships, job opportunities could be the result. But, you should be very careful what personal information you publish, what information you let others read and what pictures are shown. There are often very embarrassing disclosures on Facebook that just shouldn’t have been put there. Be careful and think before you post!

These are just five types of “social media”. They all take some time to produce results. You have to commit to them over time and it's really the relationships that you can create that will produce results. These can provide great opportunities for Baby Boomers and others to creatively search for employment, but don’t limit yourself to just these approaches. New tools and apps are coming out all the time, so keep looking and trying new methods. Good luck in the job search!

Getting Help for a Later in Life Divorce

One of the best advantages of Collaborative Law is that we can bring in specialized help for the exact needs of our clients. Baby Boomers and others who face divorce after long marriages often need special help with the transition from married to single. Finances need to be managed and often one of the parties needs to change or start a career that will produce adequate income for a number of years. Sometimes, health and certain family members require extra attention. Be sure to thoroughly explain all your concerns at the outset to your attorney and the other professionals involved. Just so you know, here are some outside professionals who may be helpful.

5 Additional Professionals Who Should Be Considered

1. Divorce Financial Planner. In North Texas, we usually automatically bring in a Financial Professional from the beginning. If you are starting a Collaborative case, you should discuss this with your attorney. Although the recent recession may have affected some couples' situations, many starting a divorce after a long-term marriage must deal with substantial assets and complex business, retirement, and investment property interests. Taking a figurative saw and cutting everything in half is usually not the best solution, for many reasons. It's better to determine the best mix of assets for each spouse, considering the tax implications and the relative needs and abilities of the parties. An arbitrary approach of taking a percentage of everything may not benefit either party. It's a lot better to focus on the needs each party identifies.

2. Personal Coach. Every divorce is difficult for different reasons and sometimes parties need an unbiased “coach” who can help them stay on track and make good decisions. Coaches don’t provide therapy. They work with you to identify, stay focused on and accomplish your goals. Many business people use coaches because they can be a great resource to bounce ideas off of and to help keep things in perspective. Coaches can help you deal with issues in a more rational and beneficial way.

3. Career Planner. After being married for a long time, it is pretty common for one of the spouses to have been a stay-at-home parent, which puts that spouse at a disadvantage in joining the job market and competing with younger workers for good-paying jobs. Sometimes previous work experience doesn’t seem as interesting as it may have been 20 or 30 years before, or there could be health issues that interfere, or the spouse may just not be up-to-date with technology in that field. It can be pretty overwhelming to suddenly have to find a job, so getting a professional evaluation first and then getting guidance as you follow through the process of finding a job can make all the difference for you. Be willing to take some tests and then get some training if you need to. A professional career planner can help you find a viable career direction, hone your skills and learn how to present yourself in the best possible light.

4. Counseling. Without anything implication that you are crazy, I can strongly urge you to get some counseling as you go through the divorce process. There are many emotional issues that you experience during a divorce. People usually go through a range of emotions, including denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, among other things. Counseling for one party is good, and for both parties can be very helpful.

5. Medical Evaluations. Unfortunately, as people age, they often experience some medical situations that can be permanent or temporary. Sometimes it’s hard to face medical issues, but they are real and you and your family will do better in the long run if the facts are out on the table. Medical needs can make a large impact on the outcome of a divorce case in terms of property division, insurance, debts, spousal support and other issues, so you need to get the facts and incorporate them into your solutions.

What to Do

Discuss with your attorney what additional professionals might be able to help you and your case. Sometimes, you can work briefly with one or more of the professionals and get a lot of benefit. You may feel like you don't want to spend the money, but in most cases, the professionals can save or make money for you. You don't necessarily need to hire all the experts listed above, but keep an open mind because you could have a much better settlement agreement at the end if you get assistance throughout the process. With 20 to 30 or more years are at stake, you need to be very thoughtful and willing to be non-traditional.