Do You Want a Civilized Divorce?

Unfortunately, most divorces are somewhat acrimonious.  It's a rare divorce where the parties are rational and cooperative with each other.  There are many reasons for that and it's hard to change someone's attitude when they are starting a divorce.

Collaborative Law offers the choice of having a civilized divorce where the parties can be around each other and be treated respectfully.    In addition, the parties listen to each other's concerns and try to resolve matters by working together.  Most people can switch to that mode of cooperation, but it takes a certain framework and a team of trained professionals.

Why do some people not want to try to have a civilized divorce?  Here are some reasons.

1.  Some people are extremely self-centered.  They focus on themselves and don't try to consider what their children or spouse might want or need.  These people just can't understand or appreciate someone else's point of view.

2.  Some people are very angry.  Often, they are out to "win" and are willing to do whatever it takes to win. They don't care about damage to relationships (or they blame the collateral damage from the divorce on their spouse, and take no responsibility for themselves).  In their mind, they have been wronged and they want revenge, and a win.  There's no appeasing them.

3.  Short-term thinking is another problem.  Some people don't think ahead, even a short distance.  They are only concerned with the very immediate future and don't plan ahead or worry about how things will be later.

On the other hand, I like to think there are some pretty compelling reasons to try to be civilized, act rationally and to try to preserve relationships.  Consider these points:

1.  Would you like to be able to attend weddings and holiday events in the future and be comfortable with everyone there?  That seems like an attractive possibility.  It's much better than the alternative of a stressful and uncomfortable time seeing old "enemies".  It's much better to remain friends.

2.  Would you like a less-stressful process for divorce?  We can't eliminate all stress from divorce, but we can make it much easier for everyone to coexist and to treat each other respectfully.  We can make it much less horrible if you use the Collaborative process.

3.  Would you like to avoid the excessive costs of a battling divorce?  Working together through the Collaborative process will help you by allowing you use a single, neutral expert rather than both sides hiring separate experts.  You can also save money by not using the strategy of repeatedly attacking the other side in an effort to wear them down so they will give in to your unreasonable demands.  Instead of all that, Collaborative Law has you focusing on what's important for each party and working together to achieve those goals.  You don't waste time and money on extraneous battles fought for strategic reasons which don't really make resolution any more likely.

If you're not too self-centered or angry or hooked on short-term thinking, you should consider using Collaborative Law if you get involved in a divorce.  Consult with a trained Collaborative lawyer to decide if Collaborative would be a good fit for you.  Good luck!

3 Fallacies over Lunch

At lunch today, a very good friend and I started talking about Collaborative Law.  I have known him over 30 years and we often talk about law, divorce (he's had two) and what I do as a lawyer.  We have discussed Collaborative Law a number of times.  I learned today that I need to be a little clearer with others when I talk about how the process works.  I was shocked to hear statement after statement of misunderstandings from him.

Here are three fallacies that my friend told me about Collaborative Law.  He believed these were fundamentals of the process.

• Husband and wife use the same attorney in a Collaborative case.  He was shocked when I explained that both parties must use different attorneys because there would be a conflict of interest in trying to represent opposing parties.  I actually hear this from a number of people who call in to make an appointment to see me for a possible Collaborative Law case.  In reality, both parties need separate attorneys so that each attorney can represent only one party and so that a party can have confidential communications with their attorney, as well as the undivided attention of that attorney.

• Collaborative Law is only used when the case is agreeable.  Quite the contrary, I explained that Collaborative Law is a conflict resolution process.  There's no need for Collaborative if everything is already agreed.  Collaborative is well adapted for dealing with very difficult issues, such as custody, visitation, property division, alimony, etc. We have extra skilled hands with the neutral therapist and the neutral financial advisor who can give appropriate  suggestions on difficult issues.

• You have to use litigation if the parties don't agree on everything at the outset.  No, Collaborative Law is a problem-solving process.  There's almost never a completely agreed divorce at the outset anyway.  If there are major disagreements, Collaborative may be the best way to resolve them.

If you are facing a divorce or other difficult family law issue, please contact a trained Collaborative lawyer and make an appointment to discuss whether Collaborative Law might be appropriate for your case.  Don't let any preconceived ideas prevent you from exploring that option!

Choosing a Collaborative Lawyer: Why Training is Important

If you are trying to decide which Collaborative attorney to hire, you are probably looking at web sites and blogs to get information and to find out about the knowledge and experience of various attorneys.  There are many trained Collaborative Law attorneys to choose from in Tarrant County.  You do need to meet one or more in person to try to determine if the attorney's style fits well for you. 

Another factor to consider is the attorney's experience in continuing education.  Does the attorney regularly attend trainings to improve his or her Collaborative skills?  Here's why that's pretty important.

• Collaborative Law techniques have changed over time and continue to change.  New ways of doing things are tried out and the changes can improve the outcome for everyone.  If the attorney doesn't attend significant training on a regular basis, the attorney will not have current skills and may not be as helpful as an updated attorney.

• Forms and paperwork evolve.  Over the years, there have been significant changes in the paperwork used in the process.  In Texas, we have developed some of the best forms and procedures anywhere.  They are copied by Collaborative attorneys around the world.  We don't sit still and just keep using the same old forms.  We update them and share the information in trainings.  

• Collaborative skills need constant reinforcement.  Collaborative practice is so different from litigation, the old standard approach, that it is necessary to regularly go back for more training to refresh and remind us about the best ways to work together.  Without attending regular trainings, it is easy to slip back into old, bad habits from litigation.  Clients will get a smoother process and better results with attorneys who believe in continually updating and improving their skills.

So, when you are shopping around for a Collaborative attorney, pay attention to whether the attorney frequently attends Collaborative training.  For bonus points, find out if the attorney also lectures about Collaborative Law.  You want to get a well qualified attorney who can work well with you.

Can Collaborative Law Work for a Custody Case?

There is a common misconception that Collaborative Law will only work, or will work best, when the parties start out in "near agreement" with each other.  In other words, it works if the parties are very agreeable people and are close to a settlement.  Actually, Collaborative Law works well for major disputes, including alimony, property division and special needs, as well as custody and visitation.  Collaborative is a problem-solving process which is not limited or intended for just the easy cases.

In reality, Collaborative Law is excellent for tough issues, such as custody.  Here's why it works:

1.  Collaborative Law focuses on the underlying needs of both parties.  Even if both parties start out saying they want "custody", the professionals immediately ask questions such as what custody means to each party, what precisely each really wants and why they want that.  Often that digging will lead to alternatives that can accommodate the true needs of each party.

2.  Collaborative separates custody from finances.  In litigation, it is fairly common for one parent to go for custody as a strategy to win financial concessions.  It is not easy to sustain that insincere approach in a Collaborative case where there's a Mental Health Professional (MHP) and sometimes a Child Specialist.  Custody issues are managed by focusing on each parent's true interests and the best interests of the children.  There's no overlap with finances to give unfair leverage to one of the parties.

3.  In Collaborative cases, we utilize the MHP for better behavior and communication.  In litigation, the parties are free to act up and try to manipulate or bully or pressure each other.  It happens all the time.  In Collaboration, the MHP works with both parties to maintain a civil, respectful approach and to learn to listen and communicate better.  That's just not done in litigation.

4.  Collaborative Law cases (in Fort Worth/ Tarrant County) will also bring in a Child Specialist in some cases.  The Specialist is a neutral expert who helps the parties create plans for how they will share time and responsibilities for children.  They focus not just on their own desires, but also consider what is best for the children.  In litigation, it often just turns into a tug-of-war over the kids.

5.  Collaborative allows the parties to consider or create "non-guideline" solutions. In litigation, if the parties can't come to an agreement, the judge will usually impose guideline child support and guideline visitation.  Those standard solutions are pretty good, but they don't fit all situations.  When the parties can come up with pretty much any arrangement they want, they not only are more satisfied with the immediate results, but they tend to not fight as much in the future.

Not every case can be effectively handled by Collaborative Law, but custody cases can almost always benefit from the process. Don't write off the process yourself.  Check with a trained, active, experienced Collaborative lawyer to find out if it might work for you.  Before you get started, talk with a qualified attorney to see if Collaborative would be a good fit for your case.

Choosing Between Collaborative Law and Do-It-Yourself Forms

There has been a lot of interest in people doing divorces by using do-it-yourself forms.  It's obviously a way to save a lot of money.  It can also be a fast way to get a case completed, if everything goes well.

The DIY approach doesn't work well if the divorce is hotly contested.  In that case, at least one party will hire an attorney and that means that the other party needs to hire one.

There is a pretty big middle ground existing between the "everything is agreed" cases and the "many things are contested" cases.  For those cases, people can choose between  DIY or using lawyers.  For this post, I won't go into a discussion of Collaborative versus litigation.  Admittedly, I am biased in favor of Collaborative Law, but I will try to be fairly objective comparing Collaborative to using do-it-yourself forms.

1.  Using Collaborative Law will cost a lot more than DIY.  Naturally, using two lawyers and the other professionals will be expense that wouldn't occur if you just do your own forms.

2.  The forms may be good if the facts are simple and limited and the terms are agreed.  The Texas Supreme Court's forms are already being misused for cases that aren't meant to be covered.  The forms don't deal with many issues that are common in divorces.  In the right case, however, they could be a great fit.

3.  There are many circumstances in which forms will likely be a problem.  Here are some of them:

• If you want customized visitation;
• If you want non-standard child support;
• If there's separate property;
• If there are complex property issues, such as
• a family business,
• a professional practice,
• retirement accounts,
• stock options, 
• reimbursement issues, or
• deferred compensation, among  other things;

• If there are tax issues;
• If alimony is requested or needed;
• If there's real estate; or 
• If you want to make creative use of various kinds of insurance, among other things.

4.   Other documents may be needed.  If there's real estate, you may need a deed, deed of trust or a lien note.  There may need to be car title changes.  A qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) may be needed to divide up a retirement account.  There could be other documents needed as well.  They usually don't come with divorce forms.

5.  Using forms, you don't get legal guidance through the process.  You miss out on strategy, creative solutions to problems and tax considerations.  You are just on your own.

If you look at the comments above, you can see that they don't really have much effect on really simple cases.  If that's what you have, then maybe forms can work for you.  On the other hand, you may be missing something and may create major, expensive problems by using DIY forms.  If you have any doubts about whether the forms will work for you, have a consultation with a Collaborative attorney to find out if the Collaborative model would benefit you or if you might succeed on your own with forms.

Another Reason to Use Collaborative Law -- Easy, Free Parking!

I just heard an NPR news story about parking lots.  It was more interesting than I expected.  There were sound bites from Joni Mitchell's song, Big Yellow Taxi ("They Paved Paradise and Put up a Parking Lot") and a Seinfeld segment where they got lost in a parking garage looking for their car. The story was explaining the obvious -- people are always worried about where they are going to park when they drive somewhere.

It occurred to me that there's one more reason, that I've never heard anyone articulate, for using Collaborative Law to work through a Family Law case.  Easier parking! 

In litigation, the main action takes place downtown at a courthouse.  Parking is almost always a problem there.  In Fort Worth, we are lucky to have a parking garage next to the Family Law Court Building, but it often fills up and it's expensive.  To make things worse, there's a new civil courts building under construction across the street.  When it's finished, guess where those lawyers, staff, witnesses, jurors and litigants will park.  You might find parking on the street, but it's a 2-hour limit and how many court appearances only last 2 hours or less?  Not many.  So, a lot of people get parking tickets and that's a financial pain.

How does Collaborative Law contrast?  We agree to not go to court.  You don't have to park at the courthouse. We work things out in a series meetings at offices.   We usually meet at the attorneys' offices, but sometimes we meet at other convenient sites, including at the other professionals' offices.

In over 10 years of doing Collaborative cases, I've never had to pay for parking.

That's probably not enough reason by itself to choose Collaborative over litigation, but it's a nice benefit of the choice.

Complicated Finances: When You Should Use Collaborative Law

Couples facing divorce after a long-term marriage often have serious concerns about how to deal with and protect their hard-earned assets.  There can be a variety of investments, business interests and employment benefits built up over the years.  In a litigated divorce, if the case reaches trial, a judge is likely to divide the assets in ways that may not benefit both parties.  Some assets might be liquidated and others split up.  People on both sides are usually unhappy with parts of a judge's rulings.  An alternative to turning over the decision-making to the judge is to use the Collaborative process.

Here are some types of issues that might be resolved better with Collaborative Law:

1.  Family owned business -- Instead of  just letting a judge arbitrarily award it to one party or the other, the parties can work together to come to an acceptable agreement on how to handle it.  That could include the possibility of everyone continuing to work in the business, which is more likely to be possible in a Collaborative approach which seeks to protect important family relationships.

2.  Need for alimony:  now, interim or later in life-- The need for transitional help is common in the aftermath of a long-term marriage.  That need may occur immediately, for a short term, as one spouse gets re-established or goes to school.  It could could be long-term or short term.  It could also be a bridge later in life as the spouse approaches or reaches retirement age.

3.  Retirement assets to be divided -- In court, judges are tempted to pick an arbitrary percentage and divide retirement accounts across the board, regardless of expected needs or the expected ability (or lack of ability) to replenish the accounts.  In Collaborative cases, the assets can be allocated to meet the needs of both parties and consider the future abilities to acquire new retirement benefits.

4.  Need to provide for college education for children -- In Texas, courts can't really provide for college education expenses unless the children have special needs.  Collaborative Law cases often make it a priority to take care of the children's education, both private school (elementary through high school) and college.

5.  One or two professional practices -- Most professionals don't want their private financial and personal matters exposed to the public.  They want to maintain their professional practices and support their families.  To minimize cost and disruption, Collaborative Law is a good choice.  Value can be shared and used to benefit all family members.  Too many litigated divorces involving professional practices really get ugly.

6.  Planning for long-term care for spouse or child -- Sometimes a spouse or a child will need long-term care.  Judges can provide for that to a limited degree.  Collaborative Law provides a better way to come to more comprehensive agreements to provide the needed help, and money isn't wasted on litigation expenses.

These are some of the matters that can be dealt with effectively for people who have complicated, difficult financial issues.  If any of these apply to you, or if you have other questions, make sure you talk with a trained, experienced Collaborative Lawyer before you decide how you will proceed with a divorce.  You need to figure out all your options.