Acknowledgements: Spouse of a Professional, Facing Divorce

How about the spouses of professionals?

I recently wrote about how married professionals often feel under-appreciated.  What's true for such professionals as physicians, lawyers, dentists, veterinarians, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots, architects, engineers and many others, is also true for their spouses.  Just like the professionals to whom they are married, spouses of professionals often have a difficult time facing divorce. 

Spouses of high-earning professionals of all types experience some common problems that need to be addressed during the marriage (to save the marriage, if it's not too late!), or during a divorce.  There's always an easy way and a hard way, or a nice way and a not-so-nice way, to do divorces.  People who choose to use Collaborative Law are opting for the nicer way, but that doesn't necessarily make the process easy.

In representing spouses of professionals, I have heard some complaints over and over.  Although I don't doubt the validity of the issues, what really matters is the strong feelings associated with how the spouses feel valued or not.

Many times, busy professionals tend to overlook or minimize the sacrifices of their spouses in keeping a family together, running a household and raising children.  Sometimes, the professionals feel sorry for themselves and don't think much about their spouse.  They often take for granted the daily things the spouse does without getting much credit for it.

For professionals facing divorce, even if they haven't shown much appreciation and understanding of their spouse in the past, and even if they aren't feeling too charitable as they work through a divorce, it is certainly in their best interest to express understanding and appreciation of their spouse.  That can really help establish an atmosphere of cooperation and shared interests.

In case professionals have forgotten what their spouses have done, here are some suggestions of topics to focus on:

• The spouse may have really carried the load for years with the kids.  That includes such time consuming actions as taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the doctor or dentist or orthodontist, getting school supplies, buying appropriately stylist clothes for the kids, managing play dates for young kids, keeping track of dating for older kids, helping them with homework, taking the kids to sports practices and games, and many other things.  That's not to mention being a doctor and therapist for the children.  There's a lot of work that's easy to overlook if you're not in the trenches.
• Your spouse may have carried the load with the house.  Someone has to maintain the house and get help as needed.  Some spouses decorate and clean, others hire workers.  A spouse often takes responsibility for setting up the house to entertain friends, family, business associates and others.
• Your spouse may have worked to support the family while you were in school or in training.  The spouse may not have earned nearly what you earn now, but she or he worked hard and made it possible for you to get to your current position.
• Many times, a spouse must deal with the fact that a professional is away from home for long periods.  Traveling may become tedious to you, but it is lonely for your spouse.
• Believe it or not,  sometimes you are very difficult to deal with when you come home from work.  Your spouse doesn't have anywhere to go or hide.  Instead, she or he tries to comfort you and reassure you that you will get over whatever difficulty you are having at work.
• Your spouse may have needed to take charge of the personal finances.  Because you have been so busy, your spouse often sees that the bills are paid and that the necessities are purchased.  Your spouse has had to live within a tight budge at times, even if you make a high income now.  You probably don't have time to deal with all that. 

 While you have a busy and demanding life, and the family has been rewarded by your income, that doesn't mean that your spouse has had an easy life.  If you will do a little soul searching, you will probably realize that your spouse has done a lot for you that you hadn't recognized before.

It will greatly benefit you if you will make some honest and sincere acknowledgements to your spouse and thank her or him for their contributions.  Just like you may feel under-appreciated, I'll guarantee your spouse feels the same way.  Both of you can do better by understanding more about what the other has contributed to the good aspects of your marriage.  Help yourself  and your family by recognizing your spouse's efforts.

Acknowledgements: Professional Facing Divorce

Physicians are people, too.  So are lawyers, dentists, vets, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots,  and other professionals.  They have feelings.  Sometimes they are successful at marriage and sometimes they aren't.  It's not unusual for professionals to become very successful in their business lives and neglect their personal and family lives.  Unfortunately, they may end up divorcing.  If their spouse has felt neglected as the professional's career advanced, the spouse often becomes angry.  That may lead to an unpleasant divorce.  But, it doesn't have to.

While success in certain professions seems to depend upon the person being objective and unemotional, there are still emotions that exist deep within everyone.  One that I hear about, when representing a high wage-earning professional is a lack of appreciation from the family.  I have heard many professionals complain that they are treated just as a meal ticket or bank account.  There may be many reasons for the lack of respect and appreciation, but the situation is real. 

In Collaborative cases, we sometimes work with the parties to have more empathy and understanding for their spouses.  Working on that can make it easier to come to a settlement and to find an appropriate settlement.  If you are the spouse of a professional who works hard and makes a lot of money, but you are now facing a divorce, it is in your best interest to try to understand your spouse's perspective, even if you don't agree with it and even if you strongly dislike your spouse now.  When you are facing a divorce, it is inevitable that you will be divorced. 

The question is whether you can reach a favorable settlement or whether you want to turn over the control and decision-making to a stranger (the judge) who may not see things the way you do.  If you want to reach an amicable agreement, it helps if you have some understanding of the feelings that your spouse probably hasn't shared with you about his or her sacrifices in reaching this point of his or her and your lives.

Here are some things I have heard over and over.  That means they are common feelings and ones that your spouse may have experienced.

• The spouse went through long years of training to reach this point.  While you may have been there and even sacrificed to make it possible, your spouse did put in a lot of sweat and dealt with a lot of stress to get here.
• The professional puts in long hours of work.  This may be one of your complaints, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that your spouse is working hard and gets tired.
• Although your spouse may be making a lot of money now, the pay was low and hours long in the beginning.  That's tough to put up with and probably wasn't easy for you either, but you should give credit to your spouse.
• Your spouse works hard to earn the high income he/she is bringing home now.  No matter what career your spouse chose, hard work precedes the pay-off.
• The work is often stressful.  Many professionals deal with life and death decisions, health issues or large financial issues.  There's a lot hanging in the balance and there's huge responsibility.
• Many professionals sacrifice time at home with the family in order to advance in the career or maintain a high income.  Their spouses may not view it as a good thing, but many professionals believe they don't have a choice and yet they miss their family.
• The professional is a good breadwinner.  He/she is successful.  Many would really appreciate hearing thanks from their family.

If you are married to a high-wage-earning professional and you are now facing a divorce, it would really benefit you to consider the points above and try to come up with some statements acknowledging how hard your spouse has worked, the sacrifices made and the successes they have had.  Showing some appreciation may help defrost relations and lead to a better settlement for both sides.  Talk it over with your lawyer and the mental health professional, if you are in a Collaborative divorce.

What We Do and Don't Do in Collaborative Cases

If you are trying to decide whether to take a chance and try Collaborative Law, here are some things to think about.  Keep in mind that Collaborative Law may not work in every case or for everybody.  You and your attorney should carefully consider you, your spouse and the issues of the case.  Although Collaborative has a lot of attractive qualities, it may not work well in some circumstances. 

As you are analyzing your situation, here are some elements to focus on.

What We Do

• Focus on goals, needs and interests for all the parties.  This results in a very individualized approach that calls for more thought than typically goes into a Family Law case.  Even if you end up in litigation, it will be helpful to your attorney for you to be able to articulate what's truly important to you.  In Collaborative, we spend time helping the parties identify and clearly state their goals, needs and interests, and then we rely on them to establish our targets in settling the case.
• Use an organized gathering of information.  The parties cooperate and share information.  We focus on the essential information instead of using a "shotgun" approach.  In litigation, there are often requests for both sides to produce the same information and some information that really won't be helpful in resolving the case.
• Incorporate unique and creative solutions.  We try out new ideas and are unlimited by traditional or standard rules and approaches.  We are not bound to follow the standard "guidelines" in the Family Code, although we may choose to use them.
• Reach agreements while preserving relationships.  That is especially beneficial when there are children involved.  Using two well-trained attorneys and a neutral mental health professional makes this possible.
• Improve the communication skills of the parties.   There is a great emphasis on learning to listen and communicate respectfully and effectively and the mental health professional helps the parties.

What We Don't Do

• Use standard guidelines as the answer.  We can consider them, but we can be flexible and come up that solutions that fit.
• Use "positional bargaining".  We don't stake out extreme positions and negotiate to reach a settlement in the middle.  We focus on the actual needs of the parties.
• Go for 50% or some other arbitrary share of everything.  Again, we focus on the actual needs and interests of the parties.
• Attack each other.  The parties learn to communicate effectively so they can reach agreements.  Attacking drives the parties farther apart and usually ends up costing everyone a lot more.
• Engage in game-playing in discovery.  We identify the information we need and then arrange for the person best able to furnish it to bring it to the neutral professional to organize it.  Game-playing and deception also cost the parties more money.

 When you are deciding whether to use Collaborative Law, do some research, think about it and talk it over with your lawyer.  Maybe these points will help you decide if it would fit your circumstances.  Good luck!

Patience Please!

Sometimes, people get anxious to get their divorce over with.  That's understandable.  Divorce is stressful, difficult and often unpleasant.  It's usually not a good experience, unless you and your spouse both are still cordial with each other and both want to move fairly quickly through the process.  Even if things start out well, try not to be in too big a hurry.

Reduce Your Expectations
Wherever you are on the scale of urgency and on the quality of the remaining relationship with your spouse,  you should keep in mind the following: 

The divorce or Collaborative process doesn't work like your business.  There's input from several directions and we have emotion playing a major role.  A good business may operate efficiently and have some degree of objectivity.  Neither condition applies to divorce.

Your perspective and your spouse's perspective will probably be distorted.  You are both anxious about what is happening and your emotions will jump in and mess things up. 

There are no clear, absolute rules.  You may get tired of hearing it, but Collaborative Law involves a lot of choices and options.  We avoid relying on standardized solutions that are quick to apply, but often don't fit well.

Emotion distorts reasoning.  Divorce and Collaborative Law are not purely logical.  We have people involved, so logic is often distorted or abandoned.  Just because something is reasonable (to you), it doesn't mean that everyone will agree with it.

Divorce is rarely simple.  As easy as you might think your case should be, talk with your attorney for a reality check.  It's never simple.


What To Do? 
Be prepared.  That will help move the process along.

Be cooperative.  That makes the process easier for everyone.

Be on time.  Waiting for information or for steps to be completed can slow down everyone and create friction.

Be realistic.  Listen to your attorney and the other professionals.

Keep things in perspective.  Think about the big picture.  Make some concessions where you can so you can get what you want elsewhere.


Bottom Line:  Be Patient!

Do I Really Need an MHP (Mental Health Professional)?

Sometimes, people start to wonder what they've gotten themselves into.  They go in to hire an attorney to do a Collaborative Divorce and they end up with a lawyer and a shared therapist and shared financial advisor.

So, why should they feel good about working with a neutral mental health professional (MHP)?  Here are some of the benefits:

Communication Facilitator.  The MHP helps the parties be comfortable in meetings.  Since the Collaborative process relies heavily on getting both parties to express their feelings, wants and needs, it is important to have someone who is trained in helping people express themselves effectively.

Maintaining Order. An MHP acts like a discussion traffic cop, if necessary.  That means that the MHP not only draws out information from the parties, but helps regulate the behavior of the parties, and even the attorneys, if needed.  Family law issues are very personal and emotional.  Attorneys are not trained to be able to recognize emotional issues and responses, much less manage them, but the mental health professional is.  I have had many situations where we took a "time out" in a joint meeting at the insistence of the MHP to cool things down or deal with some emotional issues that were building up that us attorneys weren't noticing.  Our meetings were literally saved by the MHP being able to intervene and help everyone.

Improving Listening.  People take it for granted that they know how to listen to others, but lack of listening is actually one of the biggest complaints in marriages.  MHPs are constantly helping parties become better listeners.  Part of that effort is helping people speak appropriately and part is making sure that messages are being heard correctly.  Having a neutral expert help with that develops an extremely beneficial skill which people can take away from the process.

Coaching.  While an MHP does not get involved in therapy during the Collaborative process, he or she can help the parties deal with the pressures and stresses of going through a legal process.  As a side benefit, I have had MHPs help me better understand my own client by explaining what's going on under the surface.  Getting a divorce or dealing with other family law issues can be less daunting for both with the expert help of the neutral MHP.

Parenting Specialist.  Sometimes, we bring in a separate child specialist to help the parties develop a parenting plan to take care of the children.  In many cases, however, we utilize the MHP who generally has considerable experience in helping to resolving kid issues.  They can help the parties work out living arrangements, shared possession schedules, support issues, how to share the powers of parents and such hot-button issues as managing extra-curricular activities and expenses  and how and when to tell the children about new romantic relationships of the parents.  Much of the preliminary work on those issues can be handled off-line.

Caveat 1:  The above is based on how we work with mental health professionals in Texas.  Other states and jurisdictions work with MHPs in different ways.  No way is automatically better than all others.  Each area tends to develop their own approaches, so just be sure to get information that relates to your jurisdiction.

Caveat 2:  Because of my experience, I will generally not handle a Collaborative case without a neutral mental health professional.  That is true with many other Collaborative attorneys in my area.

The Value of Off-Line Meetings

When people learn about Collaborative Law, they often focus on the joint meetings where we work through the steps of reaching an agreement.  We call it the Roadmap to Resolution around here.  We determine the goals, needs and interests for each party. Then we gather information.  After that, we identify issues and brainstorm solutions.  We follow that with an analysis and comparison of options until we reach agreement.  It's actually a pretty logical progression. 

A lot of the work happens in joint meetings, but significant preparation is also done outside of the joint meetings.  Everything comes together and stays together because of "off-line" meetings.  Here's how.

• Before the joint meetings, the attorneys will usually meet with their client.  Sometimes, those meetings are a day or a few days before the joint meeting.  Other times, the meetings will be for a few minutes just before the joint meeting.  Those meetings are important for the attorney and party to update each other and to discuss what to expect at the joint meeting.  The result is a more productive meeting and a client who feels more secure in the process.

• After the joint meetings, attorneys usually meet with their client briefly, at the meeting site or sometimes later by phone or in person.  This meeting is to review and discuss what happened at the joint meeting. It helps attorneys find out how their client was feeling about things and it helps the client better understand what happened at the meeting.

• Between joint meetings, the parties often will meet with the other professionals to gather and review financial information, discuss options, work out a draft of a parenting  plan or do other preliminary steps.  This informal work is less stressful for the parties and allows the professionals to answer questions and follow up efficiently on requests for information.  As a result, a lot of preliminary work gets done without the cost of having the attorneys around.  The professionals work in their specialized areas, saving time and money for the parties.

• Also between joint meetings, parties will meet with their attorney as needed.  It is in a private, confidential setting and the attorney can answer questions, give advice and help their client to prepare for the joint meeting coming up.    

• A final type of meeting between joint meetings is a meeting or conference call involving some or all of the professionals in the case.  Occasionally, a problem or crisis will come up in a case, and it would be helpful for the professionals to discuss what's happening in the case.  Sometimes, only one professional knows about it, but the activity can threaten the success or change the direction of the process, so it is important for all the professionals to know about it.  That way, they can come up an appropriate response to keep the process on track for a successful conclusion.

The Collaborative process involves a lot of communication between the parties, between the parties and their attorneys, between the parties and the other professionals and between all the professionals in the case.  The enhanced communication helps make Collaborative Law a much more effective, efficient and safe way for people to resolve family law issues.

Should I Use Collaborative Law in an Uncontested Divorce?

First, we need to understand what an "Uncontested Divorce" really is.  There are two common definitions which reflect different points of view.

 A party to the divorce may say that the spouses have agreed to have an uncontested divorce. That usually means that the parties both want, or at least will agree, to be divorced.  Very often, though, there is no agreement on the terms of the divorce.

For a lawyer, an uncontested divorce is one where the parties both agree to be divorced and they agree on all the terms of the divorce.  That means that they have agreed on custody, child support, visitation, property division, payment of debts, the possibility of spousal support or not,  tax issues and any other matters.  If any of those issues have not been agreed upon, it is not an uncontested divorce, according to the lawyers.

The Answer:

If your situation is the second example and everything already is agreed, you don't really need to use the Collaborative process.  If all terms have already been worked out, then you don't need to spend the money on a team of professionals to go over the agreement.  

On the other hand, if one or more of the issues remain in negotiation, then it may be worthwhile to use Collaborative Law.  If you both want to get divorced, but can't agree on some issues, that's a good situation for the use of Collaborative Law.

Alternative Situation:

If one person wants the divorce and the other doesn't, Collaborative Law may be a very good means to work things out.  Keep in mind that if one person wants a divorce and the other party doesn't, eventually a court will grant the divorce. Collaborative Law would be a good alternative because it is less destructive than litigation on family relationships and it can lead to mutually agreeable solutions.