How to Set Meaningful Goals for Collaboration

When we set goals, the natural tendency, and the easiest approach, is to just make a list of the things each party wants, such as the house, a retirement plan, alimony, a savings account, $50,000.00 cash, control of a business, etc. Actually, in a Collaborative case, we want to approach goals at a higher and broader level. For example, you can state that you want to provide sufficient funds to pay for college for the kids.

Goal setting is an essential first step in Collaborative Law cases. Both parties need to identify and state what goals would be important to them. Some goals are joint and some are individual. It's really nice when there are joint goals, but that doesn't always occur. Joint goals might include such things as raising the kids while acting as co-parents, having the kids live in a safe and comfortable neighborhood and saving taxes while dividing up the marital property.

Each of the above goals are broad enough that they will permit consideration of multiple solutions. That means that you will have more and better possible solutions to work with.

When you are setting your goals, here are some principles to keep in mind.

• Goals should identify interests. They should be fairly broadly stated and should relate to fundamentally important matters for you.

• Goals should not be just a specific solution or asset or amount of money.

• It's helpful, but not required, for the parties to have common goals and to work out solutions together.

To help you understand and apply these ideas, here are some examples of badly worded goals, followed by more appropriate statements.

1. "I want the house." That statement is a solution, one choice to address the need or interest in having a house. A better statement of a goal would be something like, "I want an affordable house in a safe neighborhood, near good schools." That identified several interests, including having a house, living in a safe area and being near good schools for the kids. It also allows several possible solutions, including the current house and any other house that met those criteria.

2. "I want the kids 50-50." That is one way to meet an interest that might be stated as, "I want to be actively involved in the kids' lives", which is a much broader goal that probably more accurately reflects the desire to do things with the kids. Being actively involved means more than just spending time. It's playing, talking and listening, reading, studying and other activities with the kids. It can include volunteering and helping with the kids' activities in school and out. It also includes participating in health and medical and dental issues. Being an active parent is much more than just putting in the time. You can ensure that each parent will be able to be an active parent as you allocate the rights, powers and duties of parents.

3. "I want the credit union savings account." That request can be a single solution, but it is important to uncover the real underlying issue, which could be the need for an emergency fund, the need for school expenses, or having seed money to start a business, for example. It's better to look for the big picture and open up to find multiple possible solutions. That will make it easier to find a satisfactory financial or other solution.

When you are setting goals at the outset of a Collaborative case, spend some time and come up with statements of goals that use broad and high-level terms. Don't immediately propose a solution. Instead, look for deeper insight into whatever needs or interests you have. Be willing to ask "why?" to get to the real underlying interests. Don't treat goal setting lightly. You can accomplish a lot if you carefully identify your goals at the beginning of a Collaborative case.

The Benefits of Establishing Goals

Every year, at the first of the year, a tradition for many Americans, besides planning to lose weight, is to come up with a list of goals for the upcoming year. In Collaborative Law cases (all year long), we also start off each case with the process of the parties listing and clarifying their goals, needs and interests.

Some people like to cut to the chase and start negotiating immediately. They get anxious and see setting goals as unnecessary, expensive and delaying the process. Others have a hard time setting goals and are uncomfortable doing it, so they prefer to avoid it. Actually, the Collaborative process works out better, produces more options and works more efficiently when the parties thoughtfully spell out their objectives in advance. Here's why:

1. Stephen Covey talks about starting with the end in mind. That makes a lot of sense. You can plan your steps and direction once you determine where you want to go. That's better than just assuming that you should aim for arbitrary "standard" solutions, such as a 50-50 property division or taking the standard possession schedule or child support calculations.

2. Setting goals makes you stop and think. Working with experienced Collaborative lawyers and other professionals, you can ask yourself questions about what you really want in your post-divorce life. As you consider different choices and directions, you will make better plans and be more creative in coming up with possible solutions.

3. You may discover common ground with your spouse. When goals are set at a broad level, the parties often discover that they have common goals that make it easier to settle their case. For example, both parents may agree that they want the kids to live in a safe neighborhood or they want the kids to have sufficient funds to pay for college. Both parties may agree that they should pay off some debts so they can start off with debt-free post divorce. In each case, once the broad, high-level goals are set, the parties can begin to figure out how to accomplish them.

4. The process may help you learn more about your spouse. Even if you have been married a long time, there are often things you don't know about your spouse, or your spouse may have changed in ways that you don't know about. If you try to work through a divorce settlement assuming things from the past, your approach may be very inaccurate. Similarly, you may educate your spouse about your new ideas and interests. Continuing down the wrong path through ignorance wastes time and money for both of you and is very dissatisfying.

5. Setting goals helps keep everyone focused and operating efficiently. That translates into saving time and money and minimizing stress. Who wouldn't like that?

Why We Use Interest-Based Bargaining

In Collaborative Law cases, we work hard to get the parties to establish and then focus on their goals, needs and interests. Negotiating with that perspective is called interest-based bargaining. One of the great advantages of Collaborative Law is the emphasis on goals, needs and interests. Instead of taking at arbitrary approach, such as aiming for half of everything, or using state guidelines to set child support or visitation schedules, interest-based negotiations look at what's important to, or needed by, each party. While courts virtually never order everything sold and the proceeds split equally, many people still start out blindly wanting half of everything. Very often, that's a bad solution.

1. Positional Bargaining. While some people start out saying they want half of everything, many others will start from an extreme position so that they can end up at 50-50 or at a slightly more favorable (but still arbitrary) position. Most people going through divorce use "positional" bargaining, either having an arbitrary 50-50 target or starting at extreme positions and not focusing on what's really important to them. That usually involves tunnel vision, looking only at what's in front of them and not considering alternative ways to meet their needs.

2. Other Contexts. Positional bargaining is used in other contexts as well. Many people will buy a house by negotiating the price with the seller. Sometimes it works out, but other times it doesn't because of an extreme starting point or the unwillingness of one of the parties to compromise. Sometimes the negotiations in other situations become heated and inflammatory language is used as a means of getting someone to change their position. Many people just automatically start a negotiation by claiming an extreme starting point from which they plan to move to an acceptable end point.

3. Interest-Based Negotiations. In Collaborative Law, the focus from the start is on what's really important to the parties. We don't have an arbitrary goal, like 50-50, or arbitrary starting point. Instead, we start with something like "having a safe, affordable house" or "being able to finish the job training program", things that are not as quantifiable, but which are clearly very important to one of the parties. Interest-based approaches require a lot of thought and planning, and they encourage creativity in coming up with customized solutions. Receiving half of a pension might not enable a party to pay for job training, but getting alimony could provide the means for that. Traditional litigated divorces focus on a limited field of possibilities. Collaborative Law emphasizes the parties' real interests.

Examples: In Collaborative Law, here are some examples of solutions linked to needs.

• If a party needs cash, there can be alimony or the more liquid assets could go 100% to one party and the other party could get other assets.
• If one party needs more retirement funds, that could be agreed, with the other party getting other assets.
• If there's an odd work schedule, the parties can create a unique possession schedule for the kids, instead of using the standard schedules.
• If a child or a party has special needs, there can be special solutions.
• If a party hasn't worked outside the home for a number of years, there can be a focus on getting support or job training, not just splitting the assets.
  

Anyone wanting a thoughtful divorce should consider using Collaborative Law so they can get the advantage of interest-based negotiating.

Planning Ahead

Waiting to file until after the holidays. At this time of the year, I have noticed that quite a few people who are about ready to file for divorce have decided to wait until after the holidays. Every year, we get really busy in January and February filing new divorces because people want the divorce, but don't want to mess up the holiday season. It's actually a good idea (usually) to wait. Here's why:

• If there are kids, they still have a chance to have a nice holiday; if there's fighting, however, that may not work out. Still, why mess up a major holiday and create a bad association with it for the rest of the child's life? Waiting to file for divorce keeps the possibility of kids enjoying the holidays.

• Taking a little more time gives you time to research your alternatives. Should you try Collaborative Law? Or mediation? Or stay with litigation? How do they work? What are their advantages and disadvantages?

• You can use a little extra time to gather resources for the radical change that's coming. Maybe you can save some money.

• You can also use the time to gather financial information and copy records.

• There's also an opportunity to take pictures of things around the house and elsewhere. Use the time to create some useful records and references.

• Do a little thinking and planning about what you want to end up with, what you need, what your may want, etc. Plan ahead!

• Make sure you are emotionally ready to pull the plug on your marriage. Is it really over? Have you done everything you can do, or want to do, to try to save it? For some people, this is a major consideration. If you are not sure, take your time.

So, there are obviously some good reasons to move carefully and slowly right now. If you choose to wait to file, you can still do some research on Collaborative Law -- one of the options for how to get a divorce -- by meeting with a Collaborative attorney.

A good way to start is to find some Collaborative attorneys where you live and research them on line. Check with friends or other attorneys to find out who is recommended in your area. In you live in Tarrant County, Texas, there are a number of good, experienced Collaborative attorneys. By meeting with an attorney now, you can plan ahead and protect yourself. You can also evaluate whether you are comfortable with the attorneys you visit.

Meeting with an attorney early allows you to make a more thoughtful decision on who you hire and how and when you proceed.

10 Tips for Better Collaborative Communication

At all stages of a Collaborative Law case, communication skills are important. How you say something is often just as important as what you say, regardless of whether you are talking with your attorney, your spouse or one of the neutral experts involved. At the outset of a Collaborative case, you can expect your attorney, the other attorney and any neutral experts in the case to have some discussion with both parties about how improving your communication style can improve your chances of success. Conversely, poor communication skills and strategies can sabotage the case. During the course of a Collaborative case, there are usually reminders give to the parties about how they are communicating.

At the outset, and all the way to the end of the case, you should try the following suggestions. Many of them are common sense and you may have even heard a lot of these from your parents when you were growing up. They are still good advice.

1. Look the other person in the eye. While this may not feel comfortable in some situations, failing to do so may lead to your spouse making inaccurate assumptions about what you are saying. "Not seeing eye to eye" is more than a figure of speech. It is often assumed to be an indication of deception. Get some help if that is difficult for you.

2. Answer. If you receive a message or a question, please answer so the other person knows you received it. Ignoring it may lead to various unhelpful assumptions about your silence.

3. Don't attack verbally. Sometimes discussions end when one party gets on a roll and starts criticizing the other party. Even if it's "true", don't attack. It doesn't help at all and it may end discussions.

4. Ask for what you want. Don't wait for someone else to speak up for you and don't think you can bring it up later. No one will be reading your mind. Don't assume that someone will remember what you may have said in the past. Speak up for yourself.

5. Speak factually. Don't exaggerate or make up details. Don't make assumptions about what your spouse or someone else wants or would do or say.

6. Don't be looking at your cell phone while you are in a discussion. Pay attention to just the discussion at hand. Choosing your cell phone over the live person or persons you are talking with is rude and would probably be considered insulting.

7. Respond without engaging in or starting an argument. You don't have to be mean or angry as you respond to what is said. Try to keep things factual.

8. Don't rehash all the history of wrongs you suffered that were inflicted by your spouse. In a Collaborative context, the focus is on the future, not on assigning blame for past issues.

9. Respond directly and briefly. Don't start a tirade because of a comment. Don't change the subject and get off on a tangent. You don't want to pay for long, unproductive meetings.

10. Don't make assumptions or read things into statements. Those are common problems, even in Collaborative cases. Try dealing with statements on face value. Adding assumptions will always cause problems because the assumptions are usually wrong and negative.

Whether you are talking with your spouse, having a discussion in a joint meeting or working with a neutral expert, you will have an easier time by implementing the suggestions above.

7 Tips on How to Tell the Kids

For good parents who are approaching a divorce, one of the hardest things to do is to tell the children that their parents will be divorcing. Some parents just blurt out the news without much thought, but others really struggle to figure out the best way to explain things so that they will not emotionally devastate the kids. For some children, the divorce is not news at all. But for most children, hearing the words is tough to take.

My best suggestion on how to tell the children is for you to work with a counselor. You can get expert help on what, when and how to say things in a way that is less stressful for the kids.

To supplement that, I would add the following suggestions:

1. Do the right planning. Think about things ahead of time and plan for the best time to allow your kids to process the information and feel safe. Be able to explain how the divorce will affect them. Don't over promise or guarantee certain outcomes. Don't discuss issues that haven't been decided. You may have to sometimes say, "We don't know, yet."

2. Do it at the right time. Decide whether you should tell them before someone moves out (probably so), but don't do it too early (and then continue living together) or too close to the move out (they need time to process). A good time may be at the start of a weekend, so there's time for the children to talk with both parents, if they want to. You should probably not tell the kids just before a major holiday or a test at school or some athletic or extracurricular event. It's obviously hard to find a good time.

3. Do it with the right people. That usually means that both parents should be present and should participate about equally. It is preferable to say "we" more than "I". Make it a joint effort.

4. Do it with the right reasons. You can explain things in broad terms, such as "We aren't getting along and can't fix the situation." Don't blame each other and don't be too specific.

5. Provide the right responses. Listen and respond to your children's comments and questions. Provide age appropriate responses. You can give broad statements, rather than a lot of specifics. Do reassure the kids that both of you still love them and the split has nothing to do with them.

6. Provide the right amount of information. Most children don't really want or need to know the nitty gritty details. Be sure the kids know that there is no hope of reconciliation and that you have both reached that decision after carefully considering all the circumstances. Don't try to give the children too much information. Keep it brief.

7. Do it with the right mood. Timing is important. Don't try to have the discussion when the children (and the parents) are tired, hungry, busy, upset or preoccupied. That could lead to bad reactions.

If you are about to get a divorce and you have kids, someone will have to talk with the kids about what's going on. In Collaborative cases, parents usually can get expert help from a counselor to prepare for this important discussion and the parents will usually cooperate in this effort. You can consider the factors above when you and your spouse are planning what to do. Good luck!

If anyone has any additional ideas to share about how to tell your kids about divorce, please share them by commenting below.

Looking for a Little Privacy!

Every few years, Hollywood will come out with a movie like "War of the Roses" or "Kramer vs. Kramer" that highlights the damaging effects of extremely litigated divorces. Most people have family or friends, if not personal experience, with a contested divorce, and they are familiar with how divorces can become a public spectacle. While divorces vary in the degree of animosity and fighting, even relatively agreeable cases often involve at least some public displays of very personal matters.

One way for people to try to protect their privacy is to choose Collaborative Law as the process they use for a divorce or other family law matter. If you are facing the end of a marriage and you are deciding how to proceed, you might want to consider whether you want to use a private process or go public.

Here are some reasons why some people want to protect their privacy:

1. Many people using Collaborative Law own their own business. They may have a family business or a start-up business, or there may be a small business they have nurtured with a plan for it to grow in the future. Divorce for business owners can be scary because of the possibility of disrupting or damaging the business. Owners don't normally want their competitors to be able to find out the financial details about the business and wouldn't want competitors to get aggressive while the owner is distracted by a public, litigated divorce. Keeping the divorce quiet makes good business sense.

2. Professionals facing divorce are often drawn to Collaborative Law. Doctors, lawyers, CPAs, engineers, counselors and other professionals usually want to protect their professional image, and a messy divorce can really tarnish what had been a carefully protected image, which can hurt business.

3. Sometimes people going through a divorce don't want their neighbors to know. Not all neighbors are wonderful, but many people also wouldn't want good friends to know all about the divorce or their finances or personal habits, etc.

4. Similarly, many people wouldn't want some of their nosy relatives to know. Every family has busy-bodies and gossips. Some will have nasty relatives who are just trouble makers. In those situations, it can be really nice to do everything privately.

5. Protecting children can be very important to some parties. Children should not be exposed to adult disagreements and should not become players in the process Kids don't need to be able to read about their parents' divorce in the paper or go to the courthouse to find contentious documents with unflattering statements about the parents. Kids will obviously know a divorce is going on, but they don't need to be privy to the gory details of the breakup.

At a time when privacy seems to be slipping away because of technology, it's nice to have a divorce option that goes against the tide and provides a process for parties to a divorce to work privately with divorce lawyers and neutral professionals in a civilized manner. Collaborative Law is the option with that opportunity.