Why Is It Taking So Long? (Part 2)

In part one of this topic, we pointed out that Collaborative Law usually doesn't take as long as a significant, contested litigation case. In addition, there are some reasons why Collaborative cases require a number of meetings.

When you are the person attending the meetings, doing the homework and meeting with your attorney and the neutral mental health professional (MHP) and the neutral financial professional (FP), it can seem like a very slow process. You stay busy and it may seem like one meeting after another, with no end in sight. In reality, there are good reasons for being methodical and following through with the process. Here are some of the reasons:

1. People need time to process information. No matter how educated or experienced you and your spouse may be in financial and child-related issues, it will take each of you different lengths of time to process the information relating to the issues in the case. Not very many people are comfortable making instant decisions on important personal financial and family issues. There are usually many options and even more considerations for each party.

2. One spouse is usually farther ahead emotionally in the divorce process than the other spouse. That means that the parties and professionals are often slowed down to wait on the less-farther-along spouse to get comfortable with changes in his/her life. It is not uncommon for one spouse to have checked out of the marriage months or years before filing, while the other spouse is clueless. The clueless one will need time to catch up, and that necessarily slows down the process because things have to be done by agreement.

3. It often takes a while to gather information. While one spouse is often very familiar with the financial issues, for example, the other spouse may be very unfamiliar with them, so extra care is taken to educate the other spouse. In addition, the FP may want to review documents that take a while to obtain, such as retirement account plans and summaries, for example. Some issues relating to the children may need to be sought out, especially if there are special needs.

4. The parties need time to come up with creative solutions. Some issues are complicated and sometimes there are multiple significant issues. The parties and professionals need to create appropriate solutions and sometimes that's just a slow process. In some situations, the parties decide they need more information or more expert advice, which adds to time commitment.

5. It is usually necessary to limit the meetings to no more than two hours each. The parties and professionals get tired and that can lead to conflict or one party shutting down. There's no reason for the parties to get into a marathon negotiation session. That's often the way mediations are conducted, and it's often a problem. When there is a complicated estate or significant assets, there's a lot to cover and the discussions shouldn't be superficial. In such a stressful environment, people can operate effectively for only about two hours at a time.

The amount of time it takes to do a Collaborative case should not be an issue if you keep in mind that litigation would almost always take longer and there are good reasons why Collaborative Law cases take longer than you might initially expect.

Tips for a Better Collaborative Experience

Although most people enter into the Collaborative divorce process with the intent to get a "better" or "more civilized" or "friendly" divorce, the good intentions often fade away in the heat of the moment. In Collaborative cases, emotions can still be high, fears still exist and relational problems that may have led to the separation still exist. Personal and inter-personal problems are not cured by the signing of the Participation Agreement at the start of the process. Sure, everyone promises to behave and be cooperative and not delve into blame for past problems, but it is easy to change course if one or both parties gets mad or anxious.

The attorneys and other professionals working on the case are trained to recognize any bad or inappropriate behavior and to help the parties get back on course. Still, it would be better if both parties could avoid the flare-ups. With that in mind, here are 5 tips to help people in Collaborative cases to do their best.

1. Don't negotiate with your spouse between sessions. This is a very common problem and it's a very bad idea. Sometimes the case is going well and the parties think they can quickly settle some issues without the professionals around. Sometimes the parties just want to save money and settle some issues without involving the professionals. In practice, it usually doesn't work out well. The same problems, attitudes or behaviors that made it impossible to work things out before the parties hired lawyers still exist and will reassert themselves without the management of the professionals in the case. Please don't start negotiating directly outside of Collaborative sessions.

2. Don't text your spouse in anger or when fueled by alcohol. This doesn't need to be explained. Beyond that, I would suggest that any texting be extremely limited. Remember, such messages can be saved and would look very bad in court if the process broke down. And, that's not an effective way to get your spouse to do what you are wanting. (In addition, see the comments in #1).

3. Don't leave messages on a phone when you are angry or intoxicated. (See the comments in #2 and #1.)

4. Don't focus on blame or fault. It doesn't have a significant role in a Collaborative case. It is much better to look forward and not backwards. You may think your spouse is at fault on major issues, and you may be right, but your spouse would also blame you for some problems, and might also be right. There's almost always fault on both sides of a divorce. The problem is that after the argument about who's more at fault, you haven't moved any closer to resolution. You have just wasted time and created ill will which will make it harder to get to an agreement.

So, what should you do?

5. Focus on big goals, not small issues. Don't stay focused on the ground, look up! Formulate broad, relevant, important goals for yourself. Don't limit yourself to a predetermined outcome. For example, your true goal for housing may be to have a safe, affordable, secure home in a good neighborhood. That might include the house you live in now, but there might be other ways to accomplish that goal -- get a new house, a duplex, an apartment, house sit, rent a house, live with a friend or relative, etc. If you limit your goal to keeping the house you live in now, you may miss an opportunity to have a better living arrangement. Collaborative Law gives you the possibility of creating a better future for yourself. Don't waste your time dealing primarily with little problems. Your attorney and the other professionals can help you formulate goals for your situation. Think Big!

Collaborative Law is Spreading World-Wide

As an interesting sidelight, I want to point you to a recent article on an Australian attorney's blog mentioning how the President of their South Australia Law Society (bar association) was talking about Collaborative Law in a recent newspaper story. He has a good, basic description of how the process works and encourages people to consider using it if they are about to go through a divorce.

Collaborative Practice is also very strong in areas all across the United States, Canada, Europe, Israel, Africa and parts of South America, as well as other areas.

The basic reasons for using Collaborative Law are the same around the world. People want a less destructive process, privacy, the ability to make their own decisions and dignity. It won't work for everyone, but for many people, it can ease the family transition from married to single.

If you are facing life-changing decisions in your family, you should research Collaborative Law and meet with a Collaborative lawyer in your area.

Seeking Equal Time with Kids -- Part 1

In both Collaborative divorces and litigated divorces, the phenomenon of a parent wanting equal time with the kids is becoming more common. Sometimes, both parents agree that it is an appropriate goal. In other cases, there is some disagreement as to how much time each parent should have. There's no automatic solution on how to divide time since it depends on many, many factors, including the history of the parties and the children. This post will assume the children are at least 3 years old, which is the most common situation. For younger children, we have a new Texas statute that we can look to for some ideas on what to do.

How to Split Time Equally There are many different ways to "equally" share time with the kids. In Texas, there is an extended standard possession schedule which is pretty close to 50-50, even though it may not seem that way. The non-creative way would be to follow the standard possession schedule, but that's usually not why people choose Collaborative Law. Some other ways include:

• Week on, week off. This involves the children staying with one parent for 7 straight days and then moving over to the other parent for 7 straight days. Sometimes, there is a provision for weeknight contact once or twice during the week, but probably more often, it's just 7 uninterrupted days. This system is becoming more common, but whether it is a good fit with the parents and children depends on them and their needs and desires.

• Month on, month off. This is not as common. When used, there's usually weekly access of some sort by the parent the kids are not currently staying with.
  


• 2-2-3 (2 days here, 2 days there and a 3-day weekend alternating between parents). There is plenty of contact between the children and both parents. The parents get to be regularly involved with the kids on a predictable schedule which can make it easier for parents to adjust the work schedule. There is a concern, from the kids' point of view, that they are being moved around too much. Again, careful consideration should be given here as to whether this schedule benefits the kids or just primarily the parents (or one parent).
  


• Every other day. There's frequent contact between both parents and the children, but at what cost? This usually seems like too much change when a child needs some stability.
  


• Nesting. This is an interesting option that can rarely be done. It requires two parents who can't live together, but who live near each other and who trust each other enough that they can alternate sharing a residence. The children stay in the same residence all the time and the parents take turns (for a few days or a week) staying in the residence with the children and then moving out so the other parent can stay for the designated time. For the right couple, it can work pretty well.
  

Should You Try Equal Time?

1. The #1 consideration should be the effect the arrangement would have on the children. That calls for good judgment among parents, something that is often in short supply when the sensitive topic of time with the kids is being considered. Too often, there is a competition between the parents to "control" the kids by having as much time as possible. Instead, the parents should be thinking about what approach would benefit their kids the most.

2. Consider the parents' time available and abilities. Some parents have very difficult and changing work schedules which make it hard to plan ahead. In many relationships, each parent tends to take on more responsibility for certain aspects of child-rearing. That should be considered to the extent possible, but it is also possible, and often good, for parents to change their roles with the children.

3. The age of the children will often determine what is appropriate. Younger children require more time and hands-on attention. As kids get into school, they often need help with homework and with learning the discipline to study. They also still need to play and be involved in sports and extra-curricular activities. Teens, of course, are much less manageable. The time sharing needs to take into account all those factors and be able to adjust in the future.

How Should You Work it Out?

Use professionals. Don't just try to agree on something on your own. One of the great values of Collaborative Law is that you can have access to excellent neutral experts who can help you craft a plan for your kids that is appropriate for your circumstances the children's needs. Be sure to take advantage of what is available.

Last Ditch Effort: Should You Try Marital Counseling?

What should you do if, after a discussion about divorce, your spouse requests that the two of you attend marriage counseling to try to save the marriage? Or, should you suggest that you and your spouse get counseling before taking the giant step of filing for divorce?

There's no universal answer, but I would generally lean toward trying the counseling. You would invest some time, money and emotional energy, but the reward could be much greater than the cost, if you are able to get your marriage back on track. Here are some possible benefits from both sides putting in the effort through counseling.

Advantages of Trying Counseling

You could improve your marital relationship and save the marriage. Counseling actually works sometimes when both parties make the commitment and follow through. It's not going to be easy, but there is a possibility of real improvement for each of you.

Even if your marriage isn't saved, there may be significant benefits from working with a counselor.

• You and your spouse can learn some skills to help you better cope with a divorce. Your counselor can help both of you learn to listen and communicate better, manage stress and deal with difficult decisions that come up with a divorce. If you have children, you can work on learning co-parenting skills.

• A counselor may be able to help each of you understand the need for divorce. There may be insurmountable differences in goals, values or the views of the respective roles of the parties. There could be issues relating to the extended family on either or both sides. There may be very different ideas about how to raise the kids. Some things can't be "fixed" and it can help to get that confirmed by an outsider.

• Counseling may help synchronize the emotional states of both parties. It is quite common for one spouse to work through a lot of family issues internally without saying anything to his/her spouse, and then "suddenly" announce the need for divorce. People going through divorces usually go through a number of steps emotionally before they get to acceptance of the divorce. If only one party has been working through that journey, unbeknown to the other party, it can be really tough on the one surprised. Counseling can help the slower party understand what is happening and can help the faster party learn to slow down and give the spouse time to work through the emotions.

• Sometimes you just need a referee to help you and your spouse have civilized, adult conversations. The counselor can help maintain order and make sure both of you are heard.

What should you do if you or your spouse wants marital counseling?

• Make sure you get a qualified, experienced counselor. You can research on line and you should get referrals from a Family Law attorney or someone else you trust. You can change counselors if you don't like how the sessions are going, but don't use that as a weapon against your spouse.

• Make sure you can afford the counseling. Find out what the cost is and check into whether the counseling can be covered by a health insurance policy. Only request counseling if you sincerely want it. Don't waste your money just going through the motions. Make sure your spouse is sincere about attending and following through with the counselor's suggestions.

• Don't expect vindication. Neither you nor your spouse should go into counseling expecting vindication or a decision saying that you are completely right and your spouse is completely wrong. There is normally room for improvement on both sides.

Final Words

Remember: neither you nor a counselor can make your spouse change. Counseling can work, but don't assume that it will magically (or quickly) transform a difficult situation.

New Skills for Finding a Job -- Using Social Media

If you are a Baby Boomer, 50 years old or more, and contemplating a divorce, you will have to make many changes in your life. Among the most important may be finding a job or career, if you will need or want to work. It is pretty common, for people going through a divorce later in life, to need to work to support themselves and their family. Many Baby Boomers have been staying at home and taking care of kids for years. Even if they worked when they were younger, their skills are rusty and their old jobs have been filled or abolished. In addition, the Boomers may have different interests now, or maybe they never liked their old jobs in the first place.

If you find yourself in this situation, there is some good news. There are many new opportunities for marketing yourself to potential employers. The Internet is the natural starting point. There are some fairly new approaches to finding a job and getting yourself known to companies and people who are hiring. Before jumping in, here are three important points to keep in mind.

Planning Ahead with Social Media

• Be careful. Make sure you think before you speak or write something. You will be judged by what you say and do on the Internet and by what your pictures show on the Internet. A lot of party pictures and stories may not convey the image you want. Watch spelling, grammar and word choice in anything written.
• Be targeted. Think about who you want to hire you and the best way to reach your potential employer. Use whatever tools you can find that will bring you into contact with acceptable employers. Don't just rely on general notices or comments. Research the industry and figure out what the leaders are involved in and then communicate there.
• Be creative. Think outside the box and find appropriate ways to distinguish yourself from the myriad of other candidates, but use good taste. Don’t just use the basic information everyone else will. Try to approach each potential employer uniquely and show that you have taken the time to research their business. Be memorable -- in a good way!

How Can You Use Social Media?

Make sure you research and determine what media your industry relates to and then watch it for a while before you jump in. Here are a few possibilities, but there are many more and there are new tools and sites created constantly, so keep looking around.

1. You Tube. You have to be very careful to be appropriate, but this can be a strong attention getter if it’s well done. You may need professional help in putting together some short videos, but you can really connect with well-done products.

2. LinkedIn. This won’t work for all jobs, but for professional careers and some others, this can be very effective. There is a huge number of people who are on LinkedIn and you can do research on a company and other employees (including interviewers, sometimes), so you can be prepared to apply. There are discussion groups for many different subjects on LinkedIn. If you can join in the discussions and contribute with give and take, you can make some connections who might help you get hired somewhere. It’s a good site where you can get to know others with similar career interests.

3. Listserves. There are tons of listserves for all kinds of interests. Search and you can probably find some you can join that relate to a particular type of job or even how to find a job. Over time, you can become friends and help each other out. You need to be able to contribute to the discussions. By being active, you will probably be able to get some useful information on a career as well as companies in your field.

4. Twitter. You can follow local people in whatever you are interested in. If you can contribute to discussions and add something interesting and useful, perhaps some links, you can develop relationships that could lead to work. You should carefully target your field and your geographic area. Don’t try to just get the highest number of followers by using some secret trick – it won’t work and it’s not worth anything to you anyway.

5. Facebook. This is mainly listed because so many people are on Facebook now. Plus, there are business or fan pages and you can look up businesses and learn about them through these pages. On the regular Facebook, you can make new connections and you can re-connect with old friends. If you take time to create and nurture relationships, job opportunities could be the result. But, you should be very careful what personal information you publish, what information you let others read and what pictures are shown. There are often very embarrassing disclosures on Facebook that just shouldn’t have been put there. Be careful and think before you post!

These are just five types of “social media”. They all take some time to produce results. You have to commit to them over time and it's really the relationships that you can create that will produce results. These can provide great opportunities for Baby Boomers and others to creatively search for employment, but don’t limit yourself to just these approaches. New tools and apps are coming out all the time, so keep looking and trying new methods. Good luck in the job search!

Why Is It Taking So Long? (Part 1)

One of the most common frustrations expressed by people using the Collaborative Law model to go through a divorce is the speed (or perceived lack thereof) of the process. To me, it's a matter of perspective. When people are directly involved in regular joint meetings and meetings with their attorney and meetings with the neutral professionals, they can seem to be very busy. That is a ground-level view and it may truly seem like the process is creeping slowly along when there are 2 or 3 or 4 weeks between joint meetings. In reality, there's usually a fair amount of work getting done by various parties between the joint meetings, but it is very easy to overlook that.

Perhaps a more comforting approach is to look at the process from a figurative 30,0000-foot elevation. Looking down from high above, the Collaborative divorce process may appear to be moving much more quickly.

Comparing Collaborative to Litigation

Another way to compare the situation is to look at what would be happening if the the case were proceeding through the courts in Texas. In Tarrant County divorce courts, you can count on an average of a year, and often a year and a half, to complete a contested divorce, depending on which court you are in and how complicated your case is. Here's why:

1. Discovery can be very tedious. It is the process of gathering, organizing and sharing information between the two sides. In litigated cases, there are usually written requests for documents, written questions and some other requests for information. The parties usually have to produce documents for the last 3-5 years, at least. Many of the requested items are just minimally relevant, but everyone wants to cover all the bases and not overlook anything. The parties are usually given 30 days to produce the information, but that's usually extended because they can't get everything together that quickly.

• After 60-90 days, the initial exchange of documents is usually completed, but one party or both usually don't think they've gotten everything, so they file motions to compel production and sometimes motions for sanctions. Those are set for court, hearings are had and there's a ruling, usually to produce the documents or answer questions.
  
• In addition, experts have to be appointed to appraise businesses, real estate or pensions, and then you have to wait for their reports.
• Afterwards, there will probably be depositions of the parties and any experts.

2. On contested children's issues, litigation is often a slow process as well. Here in Tarrant County, some courts will give a temporary custody hearing right away, while others want to do an investigation before having the hearing. Some will just start by each parent having the kids for alternating weeks, regardless of how the children have been living and regardless of parents' schedules. Often, the parents are sent to Access Facilitation to try to work out a time-sharing arrangement, and that's great when it works. If the case is truly contested, most courts will order a Social Study which usually takes 6 to 9 months to complete. In the meantime, the court will usually order the parties to attend a co-parenting class.

3. There are usually numerous court settings on contested cases. Different matters are often heard at separate times and sometimes new hearings are scheduled when the situations (facts) change. Hearings get postponed for various reasons, which can be very frustrating. In some cases, there's not an immediate decision from the judge. There are lots of opportunities for delay in the litigation system.

Conclusion: Even though a Collaborative case may feel like it's moving slowly, it's probably moving much, much faster than a contested litigation case would have been with the same issues.