What to Expect at the 1st Joint Meeting (and Why)

Collaborative Law is different enough from litigation that we insist on having a first joint meeting to put in a foundation so that everyone can be comfortable in the process.  This will be a brief introduction to the process.

1. Introductions.   We start off the first meeting by introducing ourselves to each other.  We usually have a team that includes two attorneys, a mental health professional (MHP) and a financial professional (FP).   Since we will all work together in an informal atmosphere, it is helpful for everyone to get to know who they will be working with.  We like to keep things informal and normally go by first names.  In contrast to litigation, attorneys and all parties speak directly to each other, which usually improves communication.

The first meeting is usually one of the few meetings when the whole team is together.  Most of the time, the parties work with just one professional at a time.  In some situations, if it helps the parties be more comfortable, we have the MHP present when the parties are working with the FP in gathering and organizing the financial records.  The MHP normally works alone with parties doing the preliminary work on kid issues.

2.  Reviewing the Participation Agreement.  Everyone should receive and read an advance copy of the Participation Agreement.  (A generic copy is available on my web site.)  The attorneys normally give out copies in advance and often review the agreement with their client.  We really emphasize the Agreement because it is carefully drafted to educate the participants and to clarify what will be happening, or what could happen, in the Collaborative  process.  We want to avoid misunderstandings and to encourage realistic expectations.

3.  Road Map to Resolution.  This document, also available on my web site, outlines  the steps of the Collaborative process.  We follow a logical, standard pattern that leads to an agreement that both parties are comfortable with.  The steps start with discussing the goals of both parties, researching the facts of the case, determining the issues, coming up with options and then evaluating the options and reaching agreements. Experience has shown  there are better results when we follow the process and don't skip steps and jump ahead.

4.  Rules of  Conduct.  These are reminders of common sense rules of how to act in meetings.  We want everyone to be comfortable and feel safe, while effectively  moving to a mutually agreeable settlement.  The Rules are good reminders in the heat of the moment when discussions sometimes get difficult.

5.  Goals.  One of the most important steps in the first meeting is often harder than it might seem on the surface.  We want the parties to each come up with their broad goals relating what's important to them and how they would like the case resolved.  We insist that the parties go beyond wanting a "fair" settlement and a"good relationship" or "as much time as possible" with the kids.

Some useful goals that we sometimes get are:  Having an adequate level of support until a party finishes school; Having financial security at retirement; Minimizing debt coming out of the divorce; Being involved with the child on a daily or weekly basis; or Having enough cash for a down payment on a house.  These are broad, but somewhat specific and they give us targets to work for.

6.  Dealing with Immediate Issues.  Sometimes we need to help the parties deal with interim issues of paying bills, sharing time with the kids and who stays in the house, among other things.  We can have brief discussions of such issues to help the parties until the next joint meeting.

7.  Schedule Future Meetings.  We usually schedule one or two joint meetings, as well as individual meetings with the mental health professional and the financial professional.

What's Not Included:  Don't expect to jump in and start negotiating at the first meeting.

Caveat:  Different Collaborative professionals will have slight variations on how they like to conduct a first meeting.  Always talk with your own professionals to find out what they will be doing.

5 Reasons to Use Collaborative Law for a Divorce after a Long-Term Marriage

Divorces for Baby Boomers and others who have been in long-term marriages can be complicated and emotionally difficult.  Unfortunately, the court system doesn't provide a very gentle or nuanced response to divorce situations.  Most often, courts take a one-size-fits-all approach.  They apply standard guidelines for child support and visitation and will divide assets on a roughly 50-50 basis, unless there are special reasons that might justify a  55-45 or 60-40 split, or something in that neighborhood.  Although the purse strings have loosened somewhat over the past few years, alimony is still not much of a factor.

One of the best ways to get an appropriate, customized, creative agreement is to utilize Collaborative Law.  Here are some reasons why it's a good approach for ending long-term marriages.


1.  The Collaborative process allows the parties to respectfully manage their emotions.    Both parties usually work with a neutral mental health professional (MHP) who can help the parties acknowledge anger, fear, anxiety or whatever other emotion shows up.  The MHP can also share constructive ways to deal with their emotions, and also help the other party accept the emotions without overreacting.


2.  A Collaborative divorce can proceed with reasonable speed to accommodate the needs of both parties. The process does not rely on arbitrary timetables that must be followed.  The parties, with professional guidance, work out their own schedule and plan for resolving the issues.  Collaborative Law allows both parties to be comfortable with the scheduling.  Sometimes the parties must take some financial steps, such as planning or finding employment, that  will take some time, and it is easy to find the time for that in Collaborative Law.


3.  Expert financial guidance is easily available.  We usually start off with a neutral financial professional (FP) who manages the gathering and organizing of the financial records. That is much more efficient than relying on attorneys and their staffs to supervise the financial information. If we need specialized financial help, a neutral, joint expert can be hired to deal with the issue.

4.  Privacy is protected.  Virtually all work is done in private, confidential meetings.  We don't have hearings at the courthouse and don't do formal discovery or depositions.  We reach private agreements as we progress, instead of having multiple public hearings.

5.  Cost is reasonable.  Collaborative Law is not cheap, but there are some cost savings.  We utilize single, neutral experts whenever needed, in addition to the MHP and FP.  When there is a business or real estate to be appraised, we use one agreed-upon expert instead of dueling experts.  Much of the preliminary work is done with the FP and MHP, without the attorneys being present, which saves a great deal of money.  Even when we have the full team present with the parties, meetings generally run more efficiently because of the experts guiding the discussions. 

Ending a long-term marriage is complicated and deserves a careful, competent and unrushed process. Collaborative Law is usually the best approach for everyone involved.

What if You're Uncomfortable Talking About Your Case?

If you enter into a Collaborative Law procedure, you should expect to speak up for yourself, but don't feel overwhelmed if you are not comfortable speaking to your spouse or others in that context. You will have the support of your attorney, the neutral mental health professional and possibly a coach. For context, you should keep in mind that, in litigation, you could end up speaking/testifying in court, a much less supportive environment. 

If you are in litigation, there's not too much than can be done unless you can work out a settlement without going to court.   Otherwise, you will probably have to testify.  The other side can even call you as a witness.

In a Collaborative case, there are several things that can be done.

• First, discuss the situation with your attorney.  In Collaboration, you are normally expected to speak up and give information and your opinion on different matters.  If you are not comfortable, please discuss that with your attorney as soon as possible.  The attorney might be able to reassure you, or the attorney might help you come up with some strategies to overcome it or compensate for the feelings. 

• You should also discuss your feelings with the mental health professional (MHP).  We use the MHP in Texas as a communication coach.  She or he can help you deal with your underlying concerns or help you learn strategies to overcome the issue.

• You can get  a personal counselor or coach for just you.  Please let your attorney know, but there's nothing wrong with getting some help for that issue.  If you don't know a counselor or coach, your attorney or the MHP can help you find one.

•  In some cases, your attorney can carry more of the load for speaking at meetings.  Normally, we prefer for each party to speak for himself or herself, but it is possible to work out some other arrangements.  You can discuss that with your attorney.

• The professionals can probably come up with other  ideas on how to help you,  They meet frequently by themselves during the Collaborative process, and they can customize some solution to work in your unique situation.

 The main thing is to communicate your feelings and concerns as early in the process as possible.  Your attorney is a good starting point, as is the MHP.  The good news is that the Collaborative Law  process is much more flexible than litigation in dealing with circumstances like this. 

What if There's No Collaborative Attorney in Your County?

Although Collaborative Law is spreading throughout Texas, there are still many counties that don't have trained Collaborative professionals.  Sometimes, in those under-served counties, people facing divorce are researching how to get divorced and uncover information about Collaborative Law.  Many of those people are intrigued, but then become frustrated because no one locally does Collaborative Law.  

Why don't all attorneys do Collaborative Law?

First, you should understand that attorneys need special training in order to be able to do Collaborative Law.  We normally go through a two-day basic training in the concepts and do a lot of role-playing to help learn the techniques and start to get comfortable.  An attorney without the training, technically can claim to do Collaborative Law,but they really won't have a "feel" for how it works.  They might be able to do an easy case, but will not be able to deal with difficult issues and difficult clients.  (Collaborative is not just for the "easy" cases.)

Some attorneys haven't learned enough about Collaborative Law to see its advantages.  Sometimes clients have to educate them.

Other attorneys are very comfortable with the current way they practice and just don't want to try something new.  That's very understandable and it's probably a good decision for them.

Some attorneys have heard about Collaborative Law and are opposed to it.  That seems to be a small group and my experience is that they don't really understand how and why the process works.  I also think they will usually come around and start practicing Collaborative Law when they see the market demand for it.  It's kinda the way mediation caught on in Texas in the 1980's and 1990's.

Sometimes there hasn't been convenient training in Collaborative Law.  That's a reality.  The Collaborative Law Institute of Texas (CLI-Tx) and various local groups have sponsored training and the State Bar of Texas has joined in as well, but it's hard to find two available days when there's a training at a convenient location.  For many attorneys, it's just a matter of time.

There's also a large group of neutral attorneys who are still waiting to see if Collaborative Law will "take off".  They are gradually getting the training, so there will be a bigger pool of attorneys in the future.

So, what can you do if there's no Collaborative attorney in your county?
In  some counties, you may be able to find Collaborative attorneys in an adjacent county.  For Example, many Collaborative attorneys in Tarrant County would be willing to work with parties from Parker County, Wise County, Johnson County, Ellis County or Hood County, and possibly other places.  Several years ago, another attorney and I did a Collaborative case for a Wichita Falls couple and met for meetings in Decatur.  You will find that Collaborative attorneys are enthusiastic about the process and will go out of their way to accommodate clients.

I believe, as demand grows, there will be more attorneys getting the training so they can do Collaborative cases.

The bottom line:  Look up the closest Collaborative attorney and discuss the situation.  You will always find someone willing to help if at all possible!

How to Speed Up the Collaborative Law Process

For many different reasons, people going through the Collaborative Law process are anxious to settle their cases quickly.  It may be to save money, to stop the pain and stress from the end of a relationship or just the desire to start another chapter in their life.  Whatever the motivation, the parties often are in a hurry to get it over with.

In the interest of speeding up the process, here are some things you can do if you are a party to a Collaborative divorce.

1. Be available for meetings.  Be flexible with your schedule.  It sounds simple, but one of the top reasons for delays is the difficulty in getting three, five or six people together when they are all available.  On the other hand, if your schedule is extremely difficult to manage, Collaborative may be a better process for you simply because you have very little control over scheduling in a litigated case. 
2. Gather information and documents early.  You and your spouse will need to provide detailed and up-to-date information on your children and your finances.  If you have it together early, in an organized fashion, that will save time.
3.  Be agreeable.  You don't have to rollover and agree to everything your spouse suggests, but you can be pleasant and pick and choose only the truly significant issues to have extended discussions on.  If there are a lot of important issues that you need resolved, then be realistic.  It's going to take a while to work them out.  Don't expect your spouse to just agree to anything and everything you propose.  Be realistic.
4. Be ready.  Show up for meetings.  Don't put them off, unless it is unavoidable.  Be prepared for the meetings.  When you get assignments to work on aspects of the case, be responsible and get things done.  If you can't complete your task, let everyone know ahead of time.  You might reschedule the meeting to avoid wasting time.  Generally, if you are concerned about speeding up the process, do your share -- on time!
5. Follow the rules and the steps of the process.  At the first joint meeting (the one that often seems boring and unnecessary if you are in a hurry), we go over the steps we follow in the process (usually referred to as the "Roadmap to Resolution") and we discuss how everyone should act in the meetings.  If everyone behaves well and follows  the steps of the process, we can move along pretty quickly.

Keep in mind that Collaborative Law is NOT meant to be a FAST  process.  But, it is more civilized, less stressful, more efficient, private and set up for the parties to create a solution from their own decision-making.  If you follow the above suggestions, you will also operate as quickly as is possible.

How Fast is Collaborative Law?

Here's a quick answer.

• The Collaborative Law process is NOT FAST.  When you are dealing with significant assets and important family relationships, it is not prudent to make snap decisions.  When there are important matters to decide, be prepared to take an appropriate amount of time to analyze the situation and then come to a decision.  This is not a short-cut process where we guess about things and seriously consider other options.  If you are in a huge hurry, don't waste your time on Collaborative.

• Collaborative Law is probably/usually faster than litigation.  The key information is that most contested litigated cases take a long time to resolve.  They often take a year or more.  Collaborative cases are almost always resolved much quicker than that.  On the other hand, if the case if very complicated, the parties have special needs to be addressed or family events get in the way (marriage, death, job loss, etc.), the process can be drawn out.  In most cases, however, Collaborative will be FASTER (although not fast).

•  It's not really possible to compare how a case would turn out in Collaborative Law versus how it would run in litigation.  We can't get the facts of your case and then tell you with any accuracy how it would play out in each process.  Once a case starts in either process, new events change the facts and attitudes, and decisions are made based on changing circumstances.  Each decision leads us down a different path.  Both processes involve us continually making new decisions, based on new facts and new perspectives, resulting in us going in new directions.  Cases  aren't handled the same ways in both processes, so there's no easy comparison between them.  Similarly, you can't compare your Collaborative case to someone else's Collaborative case, just like no two litigated cases are the same.

While I stand by the conclusion that Collaborative Law is not FAST, I still believe it is the best process for resolving family law issues for a great number of people.  If you have concerns about what the best approach is for you to take, consult with a Collaborative Law trained lawyer.  We don't recommend the process for everyone, but it might be a good fit for you!

Speaking Up for Yourself

Communication is important in most aspects of life. That's true in both pleasant and unpleasant circumstances. We are all taught to speak up for ourselves in certain situations, but some people do so more easily than others. In Collaborative cases, it's very important to communicate your thoughts, ideas, needs, values, concerns, analysis or preferences.

Fortunately, Collaborative Law provides the safest possible environment for you to be able to express yourself. When you start a Collaborative case, here are some circumstances that you should expect to arise where you will need to communicate.

1. You will need to talk with your attorney frequently. Usually, at the least, there will be brief discussions by you and your attorney before and after joint meetings. Between meetings, you can and should call your attorney with any questions. During joint meetings, there are sometimes breaks so the parties can visit privately with their attorney.

2. You should report any new problems or complications to your attorney and potentially to the neutral mental health professional (MHP) or financial professional (FP) if it affects the MHP or FP. Keeping the professionals informed and up-to-date will allow us to help you through difficulties that inevitably come up in any case. The main thing is: Let us know right away, good or bad.

3. You will be talking directly with the MHP and FP about significant portions of your case. Decisions are made in the joint meetings, but a lot of preliminary work goes on between the two parties and the MHP and FP. That is normally a very easy and comfortable situation.

4. At joint meetings, you will need to speak up or, if you are not comfortable, ask for a break and then talk with your attorney. If you are nervous, you can consult with the MHP to help be able to speak up or maybe we can come up with an alternative strategy. Although it is preferable for each party to speak up for himself or herself, in some cases we have allowed the attorney to speak for the client. It's really better for the parties to speak for themselves because the communication is more direct and the party's true message can be better conveyed by the party, so we try to adjust things to make that possible. Most people speak freely at the joint meetings because they are surrounded by well-trained and concerned professionals.

5. Another aspect of Collaborative communication is emails. In Collaborative cases, we do rely on emails quite a bit to share information, set up meetings and ask questions. You can expect the need to check your emails regularly.

Caution: The one major aspect of communication that we discourage in Collaborative cases is negotiating directly (outside of joint meetings) with your spouse on issues that we are discussing in the process. That almost always ends badly as one or both parties let their guards down when the professionals are not around. It's just not a good idea.

The good news about communication in Collaborative cases is that it is safe, less stressful than litigation and has many safeguards build in. Feel free to express any concerns you have to your attorney or to your MHP. They want to help you succeed!