7 Tips on How to Tell the Kids

For good parents who are approaching a divorce, one of the hardest things to do is to tell the children that their parents will be divorcing. Some parents just blurt out the news without much thought, but others really struggle to figure out the best way to explain things so that they will not emotionally devastate the kids. For some children, the divorce is not news at all. But for most children, hearing the words is tough to take.

My best suggestion on how to tell the children is for you to work with a counselor. You can get expert help on what, when and how to say things in a way that is less stressful for the kids.

To supplement that, I would add the following suggestions:

1. Do the right planning. Think about things ahead of time and plan for the best time to allow your kids to process the information and feel safe. Be able to explain how the divorce will affect them. Don't over promise or guarantee certain outcomes. Don't discuss issues that haven't been decided. You may have to sometimes say, "We don't know, yet."

2. Do it at the right time. Decide whether you should tell them before someone moves out (probably so), but don't do it too early (and then continue living together) or too close to the move out (they need time to process). A good time may be at the start of a weekend, so there's time for the children to talk with both parents, if they want to. You should probably not tell the kids just before a major holiday or a test at school or some athletic or extracurricular event. It's obviously hard to find a good time.

3. Do it with the right people. That usually means that both parents should be present and should participate about equally. It is preferable to say "we" more than "I". Make it a joint effort.

4. Do it with the right reasons. You can explain things in broad terms, such as "We aren't getting along and can't fix the situation." Don't blame each other and don't be too specific.

5. Provide the right responses. Listen and respond to your children's comments and questions. Provide age appropriate responses. You can give broad statements, rather than a lot of specifics. Do reassure the kids that both of you still love them and the split has nothing to do with them.

6. Provide the right amount of information. Most children don't really want or need to know the nitty gritty details. Be sure the kids know that there is no hope of reconciliation and that you have both reached that decision after carefully considering all the circumstances. Don't try to give the children too much information. Keep it brief.

7. Do it with the right mood. Timing is important. Don't try to have the discussion when the children (and the parents) are tired, hungry, busy, upset or preoccupied. That could lead to bad reactions.

If you are about to get a divorce and you have kids, someone will have to talk with the kids about what's going on. In Collaborative cases, parents usually can get expert help from a counselor to prepare for this important discussion and the parents will usually cooperate in this effort. You can consider the factors above when you and your spouse are planning what to do. Good luck!

If anyone has any additional ideas to share about how to tell your kids about divorce, please share them by commenting below.

Looking for a Little Privacy!

Every few years, Hollywood will come out with a movie like "War of the Roses" or "Kramer vs. Kramer" that highlights the damaging effects of extremely litigated divorces. Most people have family or friends, if not personal experience, with a contested divorce, and they are familiar with how divorces can become a public spectacle. While divorces vary in the degree of animosity and fighting, even relatively agreeable cases often involve at least some public displays of very personal matters.

One way for people to try to protect their privacy is to choose Collaborative Law as the process they use for a divorce or other family law matter. If you are facing the end of a marriage and you are deciding how to proceed, you might want to consider whether you want to use a private process or go public.

Here are some reasons why some people want to protect their privacy:

1. Many people using Collaborative Law own their own business. They may have a family business or a start-up business, or there may be a small business they have nurtured with a plan for it to grow in the future. Divorce for business owners can be scary because of the possibility of disrupting or damaging the business. Owners don't normally want their competitors to be able to find out the financial details about the business and wouldn't want competitors to get aggressive while the owner is distracted by a public, litigated divorce. Keeping the divorce quiet makes good business sense.

2. Professionals facing divorce are often drawn to Collaborative Law. Doctors, lawyers, CPAs, engineers, counselors and other professionals usually want to protect their professional image, and a messy divorce can really tarnish what had been a carefully protected image, which can hurt business.

3. Sometimes people going through a divorce don't want their neighbors to know. Not all neighbors are wonderful, but many people also wouldn't want good friends to know all about the divorce or their finances or personal habits, etc.

4. Similarly, many people wouldn't want some of their nosy relatives to know. Every family has busy-bodies and gossips. Some will have nasty relatives who are just trouble makers. In those situations, it can be really nice to do everything privately.

5. Protecting children can be very important to some parties. Children should not be exposed to adult disagreements and should not become players in the process Kids don't need to be able to read about their parents' divorce in the paper or go to the courthouse to find contentious documents with unflattering statements about the parents. Kids will obviously know a divorce is going on, but they don't need to be privy to the gory details of the breakup.

At a time when privacy seems to be slipping away because of technology, it's nice to have a divorce option that goes against the tide and provides a process for parties to a divorce to work privately with divorce lawyers and neutral professionals in a civilized manner. Collaborative Law is the option with that opportunity.

You Don't Have to be Crazy to Benefit from the Mental Health Professional

Collaborative lawyers in Tarrant County, Texas will almost always insist on using a neutral mental health professional (MHP) in a major role in a Collaborative Law case here. Although the Collaborative Law statute doesn't require the use of an MHP, there are few, if any, cases started in Tarrant County that don't include an MHP. If you are considering whether to try the process as a settlement method, you might want to know why we insist on bringing in another professional.

At first, using the therapist may just seem like an unnecessary additional cost for the clients to bear. When we started doing Collaborative cases 10 years ago, we didn't automatically bring in the counselor at the beginning. We sometimes brought one in during the process if things started to fall apart and the parties were threatening to quit. A therapist at that point sometimes was successful in helping us reach an agreement, but sometimes things were too far gone to be fixed. The lesson became clear: the neutral MHP was very helpful, especially if we brought them in early.

Here are some specific reasons why mental health professionals have become integral to the Collaborative Law process:

1. MHPs can help the parties change perspectives during the case. When the spouses are dealing with kid issues, they need to relate to each other as adult parents who are on the same team. When they are dealing with property division issues, they are in the roles of spouses -- husbands and wives -- which is different from parents. Co-parenting is an important goal for most well-intentioned parents, and an MHP can help spouses switch gears and get into a co-parenting mode when they discuss child support, visitation and other child-related issues. Husbands and wives still need to be cooperative in dealing with property division issues, but it is a different point of view.

2. MHPs can help the parties learn to listen better. That is a very valuable skill that will improve communication and can lead to better cooperation. Everyone feels better if they know they are being heard by others. Too often, spouses going through a divorce engage in arguments without seriously listening to each other. A neutral therapist can help train the parties to improve their listening skills and that may help the parties have a better relationship post-divorce.

3. MHPs can help the parties learn to communicate better. Word choice is an under-appreciated element of effective communication. With some guidance from a neutral MHP, a party can become a more effective negotiator by avoiding saying some things that will usually trigger an angry response from their spouse. Therapists can often help the parties recognize and avoid emotionally-laden words and phrases. Just avoiding using the word "you" and replacing it with an "I" statement (for example: saying "I feel insecure when I don't get to see the financial records...." instead of "You never let me see the bank statements" ) effectively conveys the message without attacking the spouse.

4. MHPs help the parties manage their emotions. With skills that attorneys don't ordinarily possess, therapists can often recognize anger, fear and other emotions in time to deal with them before they derail the process. As effective as Collaborative Law is, the process is still often very emotional and difficult. MHPs often meet or talk with the parties between joint meetings and can help defuse small problems before they become big issues.

5. MHPs observe and are alert to developing problems at joint meetings. They keep the peace and keep the parties from becoming upset at meetings. With a counselor watching and listening to the parties, we can quickly intervene and stop escalating bad behaviors, such as anger, offensive body language or controlling actions or statements. The MHPs help the parties keep the high ground and not fall into old patterns of arguments that can be very destructive.

Having a neutral mental health professional active from the beginning of the case helps the parties be prepared for problems, avoid problems and react appropriately to difficult and stressful situations. Rather than being considered just an additional expense, MHPs are usually a lifesaver for the process, an excellent investment in reaching an agreement and a better post-divorce relationship.

Don't be surprised if your Collaborative divorce lawyer in Fort Worth or Tarrant County insists on working with a therapist. You would be crazy to disregard that advice.

Why Collaborative Law is a More Civilized Process for Divorce

Some people facing the prospect of a divorce are angry and want to punish their spouse, regardless of the cost and how it may affect their lives after they are divorced. Others search for a low-key, civilized way to split the sheets and go their separate ways. Those who do not want a destructive, expensive and stressful experience are beginning to turn to Collaborative Law when they learn about it. The process is not yet widely known among the public, but it is gaining more and more fans as they learn about it and try it out.

If you are looking for a nicer alternative to traditional litigation, here are some reasons why Collaborative Law may be your answer.

1. Collaborative Law involves negotiations that are interest-based. That means that the parties ignore traditional guidelines or formulas to come up with agreements. Instead of staking out extreme opening positions and working toward an arbitrary middle ground, the parties identify their goals, needs and interests at the first joint meeting and then follow up to make sure that any solutions that are discussed are consistent and supportive of those goals. A purpose of the process is to help the parties meet their most important needs.

2. The process works through a series of relatively short meetings. Here in Tarrant County, our Collaborative meetings usually run for 1 1/2 to 2 hours each. We don't have marathon sessions (like mediations usually do) because people get tired and don't function as well when there are 3-5 hour meetings. We have agendas that are created for each session and we can take breaks as needed. The meetings are nothing like court and very informal. We do what we can to reduce the stress of meetings, but we can always at least keep them short.

3. In Fort Worth and Tarrant County cases, we normally use a neutral mental health professional (MHP) as a communication facilitator. That's a broad responsibility which covers a lot of territory. We have excellent, experienced therapists who regularly work with us, which makes our team of professionals more effective. The MHP doesn't do therapy with the parties, but she/he does meet with the parties together or individually, as needed, and lends invaluable assistance at the joint meetings. On more than one occasion, when the other attorney and I hadn't noticed any problem, I have seen the MHP speak up and help one of the parties who was feeling slighted or attacked or distressed for some reason. A therapist is an extra layer of protection for the parties in a very difficult time in their lives.

4. The Collaborative process helps maintain a balance of power between the two sides. In some marriages, one spouse tends to dominate the other, generally or on certain issues. For example, one spouse may control the finances and the other spouse may not know much at all about them. In that type situation, the attorneys help keep balance, but an even larger help comes from the neutral financial professional (FP) who works for both parties. The FP will make sure that there is a thorough investigation and reporting on the finances, regardless of who ran the show in the past. It is a unique dynamic not found in litigated cases. Likewise, the MHP makes sure that there's no bullying and undue pressure or unfair tactics being used.

5. The financial professional also helps the parties with tax and other financial issues that need to be addressed during the divorce. The FP is specially trained in Collaborative Law and is familiar with Texas divorce law, so she/he can understand and explain various options, as well as tax consequences. Working together, the parties can often create tax savings that are ignored or impossible in litigated divorces where there is little cooperation.

For people wanting a more rational, civilized approach to divorce, Collaborative Law is likely the answer. It has been called the "kinder, gentler process" and it really is.

Special Note: If you are interested in finding a Collaborative lawyer, be sure to check the experience and training in Collaborative Law of the lawyer you visit. A trained Collaborative professional should have, at a minimum, a 2-day basic training and then 1 or 2 trainings a year after the initial one. Unfortunately, some non-Collaborative attorneys advertise about Collaborative Law and then just talk prospective clients out of it. While Collaborative won't work for everyone, you might get a second opinion if an attorney just tries to talk you out of it.

Slow Down!

One of the most common issues that comes up in Collaborative divorces is the desire by one or both parties to speed up the process. This can come up at the beginning or at various other times as we work through preparation and meetings.

Why are people in a hurry? There are a variety of reasons. Here's some:

• They want to save money. Fewer meetings = less cost (unless you get a bad result and have to start over).
• Divorce is stressful and they want it over with.
• They already have plans and want to get started on their post-divorce life.
• They don't want to be around the spouse any more than they have to.
• They are tired of fighting.
• The case seems very simple and shouldn't take any time.
• They can do things quicker on their own.
• Some don't like the process because they have to make tough decisions.
• They don't think there are any alternatives that they haven't thought of.
• Some don't like the "touchy-feely" aspects of a Collaborative case.

As a result of having some of those attitudes, parties in a Collaborative case will sometimes try to skip steps or try to meet with just their spouse to resolve some or all of the issues. That usually works out badly. Keep in mind that most people starting a Collaborative divorce have already failed at directly negotiating the issues with their spouse.

Here are three significant steps that should not be skipped:

1. Setting goals. Many people downplay this stage and are satisfied with such vague goals as
wanting a "fair" property division, "reasonable child support" and an "adequate" amount of time with the children.

• Going through the process of setting goals for yourself helps clarify your thinking and focus on what's really important to you.
  
• The process also educates your spouse about what you need. Even though you may have been married for a while, you spouse often doesn't really know what you want or need out of life.
• Goal setting is also a way to help everyone to start thinking about solutions. Once you identify what to aim for, possible solutions start appearing.

2. Gathering information. It is very common for one or both parties to think that they know what they have or what their circumstances are. That's not always the case. In fact, it is very common for at least one party to know very little about some aspects such as property, debts or children. An organized effort of gathering information can help both parties.

• Don't assume you know everything. Some things may have been intentionally hidden from you. Other things may have always been overlooked by you.
• One of the advantages of Collaborative Law is that there is an extra set of eyes looking over everything, whether it is financial or children's issues.
• Having a neutral-led effort to gather and share information can help where one spouse may not understand about debts or assets or child-care issues, for example.

3. Brainstorming. This is the step where the parties try to come up with as many different ways to meet their needs as they can. Often even ridiculous ideas can be tweaked into really effective solutions. It is very common for one or both parties to come to a meeting and announce that they already know the solution and than brainstorming is unnecessary. That is a mistake.

• You will limit your options if you skip over brainstorming. You may miss some great ideas.
• You will limit creativity. One of the best things about Collaborative Law is that it permits and encourages finding unusual solutions.
• Your needs may not get met. If you take a very limited approach, you may not be able to actually deal with some important needs. Assuming that you already know all the possible solutions may result in dissatisfaction with the outcome.

If you give in to the urge to move quickly and skip "unnecessary" steps, you run the risks of not getting heard, of missing out on creative problem solving and of completely missing resolving the issues most important to you. There is also the risk of one party being overbearing and trying to dominate the other party, leading to bad results as well.

All-in-all, from my experience, you will not get nearly as good a result when you move too quickly and skip steps in the Collaborative process.

Finding a Job Later in Life While Going Through a Divorce

Many people going through a divorce face the prospect of needing to get a job right away because they will be living on their own and will need the income to support themselves and maybe their children. For Baby Boomers and others later in life, it's a whole new world with a job market they have never experienced.

Finding a job can be daunting any time you are searching when you don't already have a job. The difficulty is heightened if you are suddenly on the market, especially when you haven't worked for a while. Not being able to plan ahead for a job search can make it hard to qualify for some jobs at the same time you experience the urgency of needing something right away. That can be compounded when you don't even know what kind of work you want to do.

These problems are intensified even more when the economy is very slowly leaving a recession, which means that a lot of other people are looking for jobs at the same time you are, when there aren't many jobs available. If you also happen to be going through a divorce, the pressure can seem overwhelming.

Getting Started -- Analyzing Yourself
Since you need to know what to apply for, you may want to consult with a counselor, an employment adviser or an employment agency for guidance in determining a career target. It's important to figure out, if you don't already know, what kinds of careers would possibly work for you. There are some aptitude tests to help you focus on the careers that match your personality, interests and experience. Do some testing before you start searching, so you'll know what to aim for.

Once you decide the type of work you think you want to do, here are some additional steps that can help you find a job.

1. Freshen your resume. First, get a professional to look over what you have and help you come up with appropriate content and design. Resumes are very different from what was common 15 or 20 or 30 years ago. If you haven't been working outside the home, you need to be able to deal with that issue.

2. Do volunteer work. If you don't have recent paid work experience, you can do volunteer work that can improve your resume, especially if the volunteering was related to the field that you want to work in. Doing unpaid work is also a way to try out a field and decide if it is something that might interest you. For example, if you want to be a teacher, help out at a school. You can be an intern for different companies and get a feel for whether you would be comfortable in the industry or in that company.

3. Brush up your skills. You might have a college degree or previous work experience in a field, but if you haven't worked in the field for years, you probably need a refresher course and new skills. We all know how much things have changed throughout our lives. You should plan on getting training for your field, no matter how much experience you had before.

4. Put yourself out there. Plan on networking in person and through the social media. LinkedIn, Twitter and even Facebook can be platforms to tell the world that you are looking for a job and to connect with people who might be able to help you get a job. There are lots of networking groups around that focus on finding jobs. You might join one of those, if you are comfortable with it. At the very least, you need to tell people (in a positive way) that you are looking for a job and you should be able to tell them exactly what you want. You've got to keep talking with everyone about your quest -- you're marketing yourself, so plan on investing your time and energy in it.

5. Get a technology tune-up. Find out the latest technology and software being used in your target industry, and then take some quick classes to upgrade your skills. Having a good personality is usually no longer good enough to get a job. Pretty much everyone uses computers and other technology for almost every job. You need to be able to show your proficiency with current technology for your career.

When you discover that you need to get a job, especially if you are a little older and haven't worked in a while, you will have to work extra hard to find a good job. If you have any other suggestions to help others, please send in a comment with your ideas!

Who Do You Want Controlling the Outcome of Your Case?

One of the core elements of Collaborative Law is that we remove the case from the court system and let the parties create their own terms, rather than have a judge decide issues. People who haven't been through the court system sometimes don't appreciate that difference between litigation and Collaboration.

In Tarrant County, Texas, we have six family courts that have two judges each, a District Judge and an Associate Judge. The Associate Judge hears most preliminary matters and the District Judge is usually the one to hear any final trials. When the parties cannot agree, the Associate Judge usually ends up making decisions on temporary issues, including custody, child support, visitation, who stays in the house, how the bills get paid and how the money is allocated, among other things.

There was recently an extensive article in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram about one of our Associate Judges. The article should not be taken as a scientific or completely accurate study of Judge Beebe, and definitely shouldn't be generalized to describe all of our family court judges. In fact, we have 12 judges with 12 personalities that are very different. While the judges all work with the same Family Code (statute) that we use in Collaborative cases, there is a tremendous variation from court to court as to how our judges make decisions, how they run their courts and even what issues are important or not important to them.

The Star-Telegram article does give a glimpse into what life can be like in the court system. Our judges in Tarrant County have a variety of experience and each has their own way of reaching the "truth" or dealing with the essential issues. All the judges know that there are two sides to every story. They have a hard job trying to come up with decisions that protect the rights and interests or both parties and any children. Unfortunately, the judges have limited exposure to the case and limited time to deal with it. Sometimes the parties are happy with the judge's decision, but often one or both parties are very unhappy.

If you are about to get involved in a family law dispute, you have a choice to make. Do you want a judge deciding the outcome of your case, or do you and your spouse want to make the decisions yourselves with the aid of neutral professionals for communication issues, children's issues and financial decisions?

For some people, turning everything over to a judge is a relief. Other people like to maintain control over their future and make their own decisions with expert assistance. If you are facing family law issues, it's a good idea to consult with a Collaborative Law attorney, as well as a litigation attorney, before deciding what course you will follow.