Finding a Job Later in Life While Going Through a Divorce

Many people going through a divorce face the prospect of needing to get a job right away because they will be living on their own and will need the income to support themselves and maybe their children. For Baby Boomers and others later in life, it's a whole new world with a job market they have never experienced.

Finding a job can be daunting any time you are searching when you don't already have a job. The difficulty is heightened if you are suddenly on the market, especially when you haven't worked for a while. Not being able to plan ahead for a job search can make it hard to qualify for some jobs at the same time you experience the urgency of needing something right away. That can be compounded when you don't even know what kind of work you want to do.

These problems are intensified even more when the economy is very slowly leaving a recession, which means that a lot of other people are looking for jobs at the same time you are, when there aren't many jobs available. If you also happen to be going through a divorce, the pressure can seem overwhelming.

Getting Started -- Analyzing Yourself
Since you need to know what to apply for, you may want to consult with a counselor, an employment adviser or an employment agency for guidance in determining a career target. It's important to figure out, if you don't already know, what kinds of careers would possibly work for you. There are some aptitude tests to help you focus on the careers that match your personality, interests and experience. Do some testing before you start searching, so you'll know what to aim for.

Once you decide the type of work you think you want to do, here are some additional steps that can help you find a job.

1. Freshen your resume. First, get a professional to look over what you have and help you come up with appropriate content and design. Resumes are very different from what was common 15 or 20 or 30 years ago. If you haven't been working outside the home, you need to be able to deal with that issue.

2. Do volunteer work. If you don't have recent paid work experience, you can do volunteer work that can improve your resume, especially if the volunteering was related to the field that you want to work in. Doing unpaid work is also a way to try out a field and decide if it is something that might interest you. For example, if you want to be a teacher, help out at a school. You can be an intern for different companies and get a feel for whether you would be comfortable in the industry or in that company.

3. Brush up your skills. You might have a college degree or previous work experience in a field, but if you haven't worked in the field for years, you probably need a refresher course and new skills. We all know how much things have changed throughout our lives. You should plan on getting training for your field, no matter how much experience you had before.

4. Put yourself out there. Plan on networking in person and through the social media. LinkedIn, Twitter and even Facebook can be platforms to tell the world that you are looking for a job and to connect with people who might be able to help you get a job. There are lots of networking groups around that focus on finding jobs. You might join one of those, if you are comfortable with it. At the very least, you need to tell people (in a positive way) that you are looking for a job and you should be able to tell them exactly what you want. You've got to keep talking with everyone about your quest -- you're marketing yourself, so plan on investing your time and energy in it.

5. Get a technology tune-up. Find out the latest technology and software being used in your target industry, and then take some quick classes to upgrade your skills. Having a good personality is usually no longer good enough to get a job. Pretty much everyone uses computers and other technology for almost every job. You need to be able to show your proficiency with current technology for your career.

When you discover that you need to get a job, especially if you are a little older and haven't worked in a while, you will have to work extra hard to find a good job. If you have any other suggestions to help others, please send in a comment with your ideas!

Who Do You Want Controlling the Outcome of Your Case?

One of the core elements of Collaborative Law is that we remove the case from the court system and let the parties create their own terms, rather than have a judge decide issues. People who haven't been through the court system sometimes don't appreciate that difference between litigation and Collaboration.

In Tarrant County, Texas, we have six family courts that have two judges each, a District Judge and an Associate Judge. The Associate Judge hears most preliminary matters and the District Judge is usually the one to hear any final trials. When the parties cannot agree, the Associate Judge usually ends up making decisions on temporary issues, including custody, child support, visitation, who stays in the house, how the bills get paid and how the money is allocated, among other things.

There was recently an extensive article in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram about one of our Associate Judges. The article should not be taken as a scientific or completely accurate study of Judge Beebe, and definitely shouldn't be generalized to describe all of our family court judges. In fact, we have 12 judges with 12 personalities that are very different. While the judges all work with the same Family Code (statute) that we use in Collaborative cases, there is a tremendous variation from court to court as to how our judges make decisions, how they run their courts and even what issues are important or not important to them.

The Star-Telegram article does give a glimpse into what life can be like in the court system. Our judges in Tarrant County have a variety of experience and each has their own way of reaching the "truth" or dealing with the essential issues. All the judges know that there are two sides to every story. They have a hard job trying to come up with decisions that protect the rights and interests or both parties and any children. Unfortunately, the judges have limited exposure to the case and limited time to deal with it. Sometimes the parties are happy with the judge's decision, but often one or both parties are very unhappy.

If you are about to get involved in a family law dispute, you have a choice to make. Do you want a judge deciding the outcome of your case, or do you and your spouse want to make the decisions yourselves with the aid of neutral professionals for communication issues, children's issues and financial decisions?

For some people, turning everything over to a judge is a relief. Other people like to maintain control over their future and make their own decisions with expert assistance. If you are facing family law issues, it's a good idea to consult with a Collaborative Law attorney, as well as a litigation attorney, before deciding what course you will follow.

Why Is It Taking So Long? (Part 2)

In part one of this topic, we pointed out that Collaborative Law usually doesn't take as long as a significant, contested litigation case. In addition, there are some reasons why Collaborative cases require a number of meetings.

When you are the person attending the meetings, doing the homework and meeting with your attorney and the neutral mental health professional (MHP) and the neutral financial professional (FP), it can seem like a very slow process. You stay busy and it may seem like one meeting after another, with no end in sight. In reality, there are good reasons for being methodical and following through with the process. Here are some of the reasons:

1. People need time to process information. No matter how educated or experienced you and your spouse may be in financial and child-related issues, it will take each of you different lengths of time to process the information relating to the issues in the case. Not very many people are comfortable making instant decisions on important personal financial and family issues. There are usually many options and even more considerations for each party.

2. One spouse is usually farther ahead emotionally in the divorce process than the other spouse. That means that the parties and professionals are often slowed down to wait on the less-farther-along spouse to get comfortable with changes in his/her life. It is not uncommon for one spouse to have checked out of the marriage months or years before filing, while the other spouse is clueless. The clueless one will need time to catch up, and that necessarily slows down the process because things have to be done by agreement.

3. It often takes a while to gather information. While one spouse is often very familiar with the financial issues, for example, the other spouse may be very unfamiliar with them, so extra care is taken to educate the other spouse. In addition, the FP may want to review documents that take a while to obtain, such as retirement account plans and summaries, for example. Some issues relating to the children may need to be sought out, especially if there are special needs.

4. The parties need time to come up with creative solutions. Some issues are complicated and sometimes there are multiple significant issues. The parties and professionals need to create appropriate solutions and sometimes that's just a slow process. In some situations, the parties decide they need more information or more expert advice, which adds to time commitment.

5. It is usually necessary to limit the meetings to no more than two hours each. The parties and professionals get tired and that can lead to conflict or one party shutting down. There's no reason for the parties to get into a marathon negotiation session. That's often the way mediations are conducted, and it's often a problem. When there is a complicated estate or significant assets, there's a lot to cover and the discussions shouldn't be superficial. In such a stressful environment, people can operate effectively for only about two hours at a time.

The amount of time it takes to do a Collaborative case should not be an issue if you keep in mind that litigation would almost always take longer and there are good reasons why Collaborative Law cases take longer than you might initially expect.

Tips for a Better Collaborative Experience

Although most people enter into the Collaborative divorce process with the intent to get a "better" or "more civilized" or "friendly" divorce, the good intentions often fade away in the heat of the moment. In Collaborative cases, emotions can still be high, fears still exist and relational problems that may have led to the separation still exist. Personal and inter-personal problems are not cured by the signing of the Participation Agreement at the start of the process. Sure, everyone promises to behave and be cooperative and not delve into blame for past problems, but it is easy to change course if one or both parties gets mad or anxious.

The attorneys and other professionals working on the case are trained to recognize any bad or inappropriate behavior and to help the parties get back on course. Still, it would be better if both parties could avoid the flare-ups. With that in mind, here are 5 tips to help people in Collaborative cases to do their best.

1. Don't negotiate with your spouse between sessions. This is a very common problem and it's a very bad idea. Sometimes the case is going well and the parties think they can quickly settle some issues without the professionals around. Sometimes the parties just want to save money and settle some issues without involving the professionals. In practice, it usually doesn't work out well. The same problems, attitudes or behaviors that made it impossible to work things out before the parties hired lawyers still exist and will reassert themselves without the management of the professionals in the case. Please don't start negotiating directly outside of Collaborative sessions.

2. Don't text your spouse in anger or when fueled by alcohol. This doesn't need to be explained. Beyond that, I would suggest that any texting be extremely limited. Remember, such messages can be saved and would look very bad in court if the process broke down. And, that's not an effective way to get your spouse to do what you are wanting. (In addition, see the comments in #1).

3. Don't leave messages on a phone when you are angry or intoxicated. (See the comments in #2 and #1.)

4. Don't focus on blame or fault. It doesn't have a significant role in a Collaborative case. It is much better to look forward and not backwards. You may think your spouse is at fault on major issues, and you may be right, but your spouse would also blame you for some problems, and might also be right. There's almost always fault on both sides of a divorce. The problem is that after the argument about who's more at fault, you haven't moved any closer to resolution. You have just wasted time and created ill will which will make it harder to get to an agreement.

So, what should you do?

5. Focus on big goals, not small issues. Don't stay focused on the ground, look up! Formulate broad, relevant, important goals for yourself. Don't limit yourself to a predetermined outcome. For example, your true goal for housing may be to have a safe, affordable, secure home in a good neighborhood. That might include the house you live in now, but there might be other ways to accomplish that goal -- get a new house, a duplex, an apartment, house sit, rent a house, live with a friend or relative, etc. If you limit your goal to keeping the house you live in now, you may miss an opportunity to have a better living arrangement. Collaborative Law gives you the possibility of creating a better future for yourself. Don't waste your time dealing primarily with little problems. Your attorney and the other professionals can help you formulate goals for your situation. Think Big!

Collaborative Law is Spreading World-Wide

As an interesting sidelight, I want to point you to a recent article on an Australian attorney's blog mentioning how the President of their South Australia Law Society (bar association) was talking about Collaborative Law in a recent newspaper story. He has a good, basic description of how the process works and encourages people to consider using it if they are about to go through a divorce.

Collaborative Practice is also very strong in areas all across the United States, Canada, Europe, Israel, Africa and parts of South America, as well as other areas.

The basic reasons for using Collaborative Law are the same around the world. People want a less destructive process, privacy, the ability to make their own decisions and dignity. It won't work for everyone, but for many people, it can ease the family transition from married to single.

If you are facing life-changing decisions in your family, you should research Collaborative Law and meet with a Collaborative lawyer in your area.

Seeking Equal Time with Kids -- Part 1

In both Collaborative divorces and litigated divorces, the phenomenon of a parent wanting equal time with the kids is becoming more common. Sometimes, both parents agree that it is an appropriate goal. In other cases, there is some disagreement as to how much time each parent should have. There's no automatic solution on how to divide time since it depends on many, many factors, including the history of the parties and the children. This post will assume the children are at least 3 years old, which is the most common situation. For younger children, we have a new Texas statute that we can look to for some ideas on what to do.

How to Split Time Equally There are many different ways to "equally" share time with the kids. In Texas, there is an extended standard possession schedule which is pretty close to 50-50, even though it may not seem that way. The non-creative way would be to follow the standard possession schedule, but that's usually not why people choose Collaborative Law. Some other ways include:

• Week on, week off. This involves the children staying with one parent for 7 straight days and then moving over to the other parent for 7 straight days. Sometimes, there is a provision for weeknight contact once or twice during the week, but probably more often, it's just 7 uninterrupted days. This system is becoming more common, but whether it is a good fit with the parents and children depends on them and their needs and desires.

• Month on, month off. This is not as common. When used, there's usually weekly access of some sort by the parent the kids are not currently staying with.
  


• 2-2-3 (2 days here, 2 days there and a 3-day weekend alternating between parents). There is plenty of contact between the children and both parents. The parents get to be regularly involved with the kids on a predictable schedule which can make it easier for parents to adjust the work schedule. There is a concern, from the kids' point of view, that they are being moved around too much. Again, careful consideration should be given here as to whether this schedule benefits the kids or just primarily the parents (or one parent).
  


• Every other day. There's frequent contact between both parents and the children, but at what cost? This usually seems like too much change when a child needs some stability.
  


• Nesting. This is an interesting option that can rarely be done. It requires two parents who can't live together, but who live near each other and who trust each other enough that they can alternate sharing a residence. The children stay in the same residence all the time and the parents take turns (for a few days or a week) staying in the residence with the children and then moving out so the other parent can stay for the designated time. For the right couple, it can work pretty well.
  

Should You Try Equal Time?

1. The #1 consideration should be the effect the arrangement would have on the children. That calls for good judgment among parents, something that is often in short supply when the sensitive topic of time with the kids is being considered. Too often, there is a competition between the parents to "control" the kids by having as much time as possible. Instead, the parents should be thinking about what approach would benefit their kids the most.

2. Consider the parents' time available and abilities. Some parents have very difficult and changing work schedules which make it hard to plan ahead. In many relationships, each parent tends to take on more responsibility for certain aspects of child-rearing. That should be considered to the extent possible, but it is also possible, and often good, for parents to change their roles with the children.

3. The age of the children will often determine what is appropriate. Younger children require more time and hands-on attention. As kids get into school, they often need help with homework and with learning the discipline to study. They also still need to play and be involved in sports and extra-curricular activities. Teens, of course, are much less manageable. The time sharing needs to take into account all those factors and be able to adjust in the future.

How Should You Work it Out?

Use professionals. Don't just try to agree on something on your own. One of the great values of Collaborative Law is that you can have access to excellent neutral experts who can help you craft a plan for your kids that is appropriate for your circumstances the children's needs. Be sure to take advantage of what is available.

Last Ditch Effort: Should You Try Marital Counseling?

What should you do if, after a discussion about divorce, your spouse requests that the two of you attend marriage counseling to try to save the marriage? Or, should you suggest that you and your spouse get counseling before taking the giant step of filing for divorce?

There's no universal answer, but I would generally lean toward trying the counseling. You would invest some time, money and emotional energy, but the reward could be much greater than the cost, if you are able to get your marriage back on track. Here are some possible benefits from both sides putting in the effort through counseling.

Advantages of Trying Counseling

You could improve your marital relationship and save the marriage. Counseling actually works sometimes when both parties make the commitment and follow through. It's not going to be easy, but there is a possibility of real improvement for each of you.

Even if your marriage isn't saved, there may be significant benefits from working with a counselor.

• You and your spouse can learn some skills to help you better cope with a divorce. Your counselor can help both of you learn to listen and communicate better, manage stress and deal with difficult decisions that come up with a divorce. If you have children, you can work on learning co-parenting skills.

• A counselor may be able to help each of you understand the need for divorce. There may be insurmountable differences in goals, values or the views of the respective roles of the parties. There could be issues relating to the extended family on either or both sides. There may be very different ideas about how to raise the kids. Some things can't be "fixed" and it can help to get that confirmed by an outsider.

• Counseling may help synchronize the emotional states of both parties. It is quite common for one spouse to work through a lot of family issues internally without saying anything to his/her spouse, and then "suddenly" announce the need for divorce. People going through divorces usually go through a number of steps emotionally before they get to acceptance of the divorce. If only one party has been working through that journey, unbeknown to the other party, it can be really tough on the one surprised. Counseling can help the slower party understand what is happening and can help the faster party learn to slow down and give the spouse time to work through the emotions.

• Sometimes you just need a referee to help you and your spouse have civilized, adult conversations. The counselor can help maintain order and make sure both of you are heard.

What should you do if you or your spouse wants marital counseling?

• Make sure you get a qualified, experienced counselor. You can research on line and you should get referrals from a Family Law attorney or someone else you trust. You can change counselors if you don't like how the sessions are going, but don't use that as a weapon against your spouse.

• Make sure you can afford the counseling. Find out what the cost is and check into whether the counseling can be covered by a health insurance policy. Only request counseling if you sincerely want it. Don't waste your money just going through the motions. Make sure your spouse is sincere about attending and following through with the counselor's suggestions.

• Don't expect vindication. Neither you nor your spouse should go into counseling expecting vindication or a decision saying that you are completely right and your spouse is completely wrong. There is normally room for improvement on both sides.

Final Words

Remember: neither you nor a counselor can make your spouse change. Counseling can work, but don't assume that it will magically (or quickly) transform a difficult situation.