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What should you do if, after a discussion about divorce, your spouse requests that the two of you attend marriage counseling to try to save the marriage? Or, should you suggest that you and your spouse get counseling before taking the giant step of filing for divorce?
There's no universal answer, but I would generally lean toward trying the counseling. You would invest some time, money and emotional energy, but the reward could be much greater than the cost, if you are able to get your marriage back on track. Here are some possible benefits from both sides putting in the effort through counseling.
Advantages of Trying Counseling
You could improve your marital relationship and save the marriage. Counseling actually works sometimes when both parties make the commitment and follow through. It's not going to be easy, but there is a possibility of real improvement for each of you.
Even if your marriage isn't saved, there may be significant benefits from working with a counselor.- You and your spouse can learn some skills to help you better cope with a divorce. Your counselor can help both of you learn to listen and communicate better, manage stress and deal with difficult decisions that come up with a divorce. If you have children, you can work on learning co-parenting skills.
- A counselor may be able to help each of you understand the need for divorce. There may be insurmountable differences in goals, values or the views of the respective roles of the parties. There could be issues relating to the extended family on either or both sides. There may be very different ideas about how to raise the kids. Some things can't be "fixed" and it can help to get that confirmed by an outsider.
- Counseling may help synchronize the emotional states of both parties. It is quite common for one spouse to work through a lot of family issues internally without saying anything to his/her spouse, and then "suddenly" announce the need for divorce. People going through divorces usually go through a number of steps emotionally before they get to acceptance of the divorce. If only one party has been working through that journey, unbeknown to the other party, it can be really tough on the one surprised. Counseling can help the slower party understand what is happening and can help the faster party learn to slow down and give the spouse time to work through the emotions.
- Sometimes you just need a referee to help you and your spouse have civilized, adult conversations. The counselor can help maintain order and make sure both of you are heard.
What should you do if you or your spouse wants marital counseling?- Make sure you get a qualified, experienced counselor. You can research on line and you should get referrals from a Family Law attorney or someone else you trust. You can change counselors if you don't like how the sessions are going, but don't use that as a weapon against your spouse.
- Make sure you can afford the counseling. Find out what the cost is and check into whether the counseling can be covered by a health insurance policy. Only request counseling if you sincerely want it. Don't waste your money just going through the motions. Make sure your spouse is sincere about attending and following through with the counselor's suggestions.
- Don't expect vindication. Neither you nor your spouse should go into counseling expecting vindication or a decision saying that you are completely right and your spouse is completely wrong. There is normally room for improvement on both sides.
Final WordsRemember: neither you nor a counselor can make your spouse change. Counseling can work, but don't assume that it will magically (or quickly) transform a difficult situation.
If you are a Baby Boomer, 50 years old or more, and contemplating a divorce, you will have to make many changes in your life. Among the most important may be finding a job or career, if you will need or want to work. It is pretty common, for people going through a divorce later in life, to need to work to support themselves and their family. Many Baby Boomers have been staying at home and taking care of kids for years. Even if they worked when they were younger, their skills are rusty and their old jobs have been filled or abolished. In addition, the Boomers may have different interests now, or maybe they never liked their old jobs in the first place.
If you find yourself in this situation, there is some good news. There are many new opportunities for marketing yourself to potential employers. The Internet is the natural starting point. There are some fairly new approaches to finding a job and getting yourself known to companies and people who are hiring. Before jumping in, here are three important points to keep in mind.
Planning Ahead with Social Media
• Be careful. Make sure you think before you speak or write something. You will be judged by what you say and do on the Internet and by what your pictures show on the Internet. A lot of party pictures and stories may not convey the image you want. Watch spelling, grammar and word choice in anything written.
• Be targeted. Think about who you want to hire you and the best way to reach your potential employer. Use whatever tools you can find that will bring you into contact with acceptable employers. Don't just rely on general notices or comments. Research the industry and figure out what the leaders are involved in and then communicate there.
• Be creative. Think outside the box and find appropriate ways to distinguish yourself from the myriad of other candidates, but use good taste. Don’t just use the basic information everyone else will. Try to approach each potential employer uniquely and show that you have taken the time to research their business. Be memorable -- in a good way!
How Can You Use Social Media?
Make sure you research and determine what media your industry relates to and then watch it for a while before you jump in. Here are a few possibilities, but there are many more and there are new tools and sites created constantly, so keep looking around.
1. You Tube. You have to be very careful to be appropriate, but this can be a strong attention getter if it’s well done. You may need professional help in putting together some short videos, but you can really connect with well-done products.
2. LinkedIn. This won’t work for all jobs, but for professional careers and some others, this can be very effective. There is a huge number of people who are on LinkedIn and you can do research on a company and other employees (including interviewers, sometimes), so you can be prepared to apply. There are discussion groups for many different subjects on LinkedIn. If you can join in the discussions and contribute with give and take, you can make some connections who might help you get hired somewhere. It’s a good site where you can get to know others with similar career interests.
3. Listserves. There are tons of listserves for all kinds of interests. Search and you can probably find some you can join that relate to a particular type of job or even how to find a job. Over time, you can become friends and help each other out. You need to be able to contribute to the discussions. By being active, you will probably be able to get some useful information on a career as well as companies in your field.
4. Twitter. You can follow local people in whatever you are interested in. If you can contribute to discussions and add something interesting and useful, perhaps some links, you can develop relationships that could lead to work. You should carefully target your field and your geographic area. Don’t try to just get the highest number of followers by using some secret trick – it won’t work and it’s not worth anything to you anyway.
5. Facebook. This is mainly listed because so many people are on Facebook now. Plus, there are business or fan pages and you can look up businesses and learn about them through these pages. On the regular Facebook, you can make new connections and you can re-connect with old friends. If you take time to create and nurture relationships, job opportunities could be the result. But, you should be very careful what personal information you publish, what information you let others read and what pictures are shown. There are often very embarrassing disclosures on Facebook that just shouldn’t have been put there. Be careful and think before you post!
These are just five types of “social media”. They all take some time to produce results. You have to commit to them over time and it's really the relationships that you can create that will produce results. These can provide great opportunities for Baby Boomers and others to creatively search for employment, but don’t limit yourself to just these approaches. New tools and apps are coming out all the time, so keep looking and trying new methods. Good luck in the job search!
One of the most common frustrations expressed by people using the Collaborative Law model to go through a divorce is the speed (or perceived lack thereof) of the process. To me, it's a matter of perspective. When people are directly involved in regular joint meetings and meetings with their attorney and meetings with the neutral professionals, they can seem to be very busy. That is a ground-level view and it may truly seem like the process is creeping slowly along when there are 2 or 3 or 4 weeks between joint meetings. In reality, there's usually a fair amount of work getting done by various parties between the joint meetings, but it is very easy to overlook that.
Perhaps a more comforting approach is to look at the process from a figurative 30,0000-foot elevation. Looking down from high above, the Collaborative divorce process may appear to be moving much more quickly.
Comparing Collaborative to Litigation
Another way to compare the situation is to look at what would be happening if the the case were proceeding through the courts in Texas. In Tarrant County divorce courts, you can count on an average of a year, and often a year and a half, to complete a contested divorce, depending on which court you are in and how complicated your case is. Here's why:
1. Discovery can be very tedious. It is the process of gathering, organizing and sharing information between the two sides. In litigated cases, there are usually written requests for documents, written questions and some other requests for information. The parties usually have to produce documents for the last 3-5 years, at least. Many of the requested items are just minimally relevant, but everyone wants to cover all the bases and not overlook anything. The parties are usually given 30 days to produce the information, but that's usually extended because they can't get everything together that quickly. - After 60-90 days, the initial exchange of documents is usually completed, but one party or both usually don't think they've gotten everything, so they file motions to compel production and sometimes motions for sanctions. Those are set for court, hearings are had and there's a ruling, usually to produce the documents or answer questions.
- In addition, experts have to be appointed to appraise businesses, real estate or pensions, and then you have to wait for their reports.
- Afterwards, there will probably be depositions of the parties and any experts.
2. On contested children's issues, litigation is often a slow process as well. Here in Tarrant County, some courts will give a temporary custody hearing right away, while others want to do an investigation before having the hearing. Some will just start by each parent having the kids for alternating weeks, regardless of how the children have been living and regardless of parents' schedules. Often, the parents are sent to Access Facilitation to try to work out a time-sharing arrangement, and that's great when it works. If the case is truly contested, most courts will order a Social Study which usually takes 6 to 9 months to complete. In the meantime, the court will usually order the parties to attend a co-parenting class.3. There are usually numerous court settings on contested cases. Different matters are often heard at separate times and sometimes new hearings are scheduled when the situations (facts) change. Hearings get postponed for various reasons, which can be very frustrating. In some cases, there's not an immediate decision from the judge. There are lots of opportunities for delay in the litigation system.Conclusion: Even though a Collaborative case may feel like it's moving slowly, it's probably moving much, much faster than a contested litigation case would have been with the same issues.
One of the best advantages of Collaborative Law is that we can bring in specialized help for the exact needs of our clients. Baby Boomers and others who face divorce after long marriages often need special help with the transition from married to single. Finances need to be managed and often one of the parties needs to change or start a career that will produce adequate income for a number of years. Sometimes, health and certain family members require extra attention. Be sure to thoroughly explain all your concerns at the outset to your attorney and the other professionals involved. Just so you know, here are some outside professionals who may be helpful.
5 Additional Professionals Who Should Be Considered
1. Divorce Financial Planner. In North Texas, we usually automatically bring in a Financial Professional from the beginning. If you are starting a Collaborative case, you should discuss this with your attorney. Although the recent recession may have affected some couples' situations, many starting a divorce after a long-term marriage must deal with substantial assets and complex business, retirement, and investment property interests. Taking a figurative saw and cutting everything in half is usually not the best solution, for many reasons. It's better to determine the best mix of assets for each spouse, considering the tax implications and the relative needs and abilities of the parties. An arbitrary approach of taking a percentage of everything may not benefit either party. It's a lot better to focus on the needs each party identifies.
2. Personal Coach. Every divorce is difficult for different reasons and sometimes parties need an unbiased “coach” who can help them stay on track and make good decisions. Coaches don’t provide therapy. They work with you to identify, stay focused on and accomplish your goals. Many business people use coaches because they can be a great resource to bounce ideas off of and to help keep things in perspective. Coaches can help you deal with issues in a more rational and beneficial way.
3. Career Planner. After being married for a long time, it is pretty common for one of the spouses to have been a stay-at-home parent, which puts that spouse at a disadvantage in joining the job market and competing with younger workers for good-paying jobs. Sometimes previous work experience doesn’t seem as interesting as it may have been 20 or 30 years before, or there could be health issues that interfere, or the spouse may just not be up-to-date with technology in that field. It can be pretty overwhelming to suddenly have to find a job, so getting a professional evaluation first and then getting guidance as you follow through the process of finding a job can make all the difference for you. Be willing to take some tests and then get some training if you need to. A professional career planner can help you find a viable career direction, hone your skills and learn how to present yourself in the best possible light.
4. Counseling. Without anything implication that you are crazy, I can strongly urge you to get some counseling as you go through the divorce process. There are many emotional issues that you experience during a divorce. People usually go through a range of emotions, including denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, among other things. Counseling for one party is good, and for both parties can be very helpful.
5. Medical Evaluations. Unfortunately, as people age, they often experience some medical situations that can be permanent or temporary. Sometimes it’s hard to face medical issues, but they are real and you and your family will do better in the long run if the facts are out on the table. Medical needs can make a large impact on the outcome of a divorce case in terms of property division, insurance, debts, spousal support and other issues, so you need to get the facts and incorporate them into your solutions.
What to Do
Discuss with your attorney what additional professionals might be able to help you and your case. Sometimes, you can work briefly with one or more of the professionals and get a lot of benefit. You may feel like you don't want to spend the money, but in most cases, the professionals can save or make money for you. You don't necessarily need to hire all the experts listed above, but keep an open mind because you could have a much better settlement agreement at the end if you get assistance throughout the process. With 20 to 30 or more years are at stake, you need to be very thoughtful and willing to be non-traditional.
Part of the Collaborative Law process involves following what we call the "Roadmap to Resolution". It is a simple, logical 5-step process that leads to good solutions to difficult problems. Here is a brief summary of the steps.
1. Determine the goals of each party. This is a fundamental step which will set the direction of the process. The parties need to identify their goals, needs and interests so that everyone knows what the targets are. These need to be set out in broader terms, rather than in very narrow, lower-level terms. For example, one might decide that a goal is to have a home in a safe neighborhood for the children. That is a higher and broader goal than saying that you want to keep the house. There very likely are a number of good houses that are affordable and in a safe neighborhood which could be the same neighborhood as now, or a different one. Having broad, macro-level goals allows more possible solutions.
2. Gather information. The parties both provide whatever information is relevant and needed. Sometimes, the parties must get outside sources to provide information, such as real estate or business appraisers. Financial information is obtained and organized by the neutral financial professional. Parenting information is shared with the neutral parenting specialist or the neutral mental health professional who helps the parties.
3. Generate options. Once the information is organized, the parties work with the whole team of professionals to create settlement options. This is a brainstorming exercise with the objective of coming up with as many ideas as possible, without judging them at this stage. Even ridiculous ideas can be included. This allows the parties to consider many possibilities that would not, often could not, be considered in a litigated case.
4. Evaluate the options. At this stage, the parties go back through the list of ideas and criticize and evaluate them. The strengths, weaknesses and relevance of each idea are discussed. Some wouldn't work at all, but others might work with a little tweaking. The evaluation stage sometimes leads to combinations or mutations of ideas so that ridiculous ideas may suddenly work or lead to workable ideas.
5. Reach agreement through discussion. Sometimes it's necessary to compromise and do some trading, but the parties can usually come up with a plan to meet each other's needs without abandoning their own values. Working with experienced Collaborative professionals, the parties can create a solution accept to both sides. Respectful communications and the acknowledgment of each other's issues leads to satisfactory resolutions in most cases.
This is a brief explanation for how agreements are reached through Collaborative Law. It is important to follow this structure. It have an outstanding track record of success. Going step by step through the process will almost always lead to success!
I just ran across an interesting post about keeping a job once you are hired. On the surface, it provides some good, relevant advice for some people going through a divorce at the same time they are starting, restarting or changing careers. Below the surface, the suggestions made by the authors also provide helpful advice on how to hold onto, and even advance, in jobs. The highlights of the article are the "key lessons" that should be followed. You can see how the key lessons also apply to Collaborative cases. Here are the keys, followed by my comments:
1. Follow the Rules. In Collaborative Law cases, we operate under special rules. We share information freely. We operate with transparency. We communicate respectfully with each other. There are many rules laid out in the Participation Agreement that we review and sign before we get started. We also follow a roadmap to resolution, or a step-by-step process that leads us to agreement. We also often lay out rules of conduct to help everyone remember to behave at the their highest level. As long as we follow the rules, the process can work.
2. Be Honest. There is no room in Collaborative Law for dishonesty or deception. There are plenty of checks built into the system, but dishonesty will cause the process to terminate. If you don't want to be completely honest, or you are sure your spouse won't be honest, you shouldn't try Collaborative Law.
3. Own up to Your Mistakes. Everyone has made mistakes and we all understand that. Instead of arguing about blame, it is much easier and better to accept responsibility for any mistakes you have made in the past. And don't waste everyone's time trying to equalize the blame by proving your spouse also made a bunch of mistakes. Keep in mind that we don't spend a lot of time delving into the past. We focus on the future, so a lot of past mistakes are actually irrelevant. We'll look into issues that are relevant, but not into just everything. The point is, admit your mistakes and we can move on. That applies to both parties.
4. Demonstrate Leadership Tendencies. Volunteer to gather information or investigate some new options that have been developed. Be able to work with others and be responsible for portions of the work that must be done. Collaborative Law is not just a process where you can sit back and wait for everything to be done for you by the attorneys. You need to be actively engaged.
5. Be Nice. As important as this is in a job environment, it is equally important when you are analyzing situations and creating solutions for sensitive and important family issues. Being nice is a big part of the participation agreement and the rules of conduct that everyone readily agrees to at the beginning of the process. Please remember to "Be Nice" when the going gets a little tougher as you move closer to conclusion and difficult commitments need to be made. You can discuss nicely, disagree nicely and compromise nicely. There will certainly be difficult times ahead, but you will do better in the long run by resisting anger and being nice. Your attorney and the neutral communication specialist can help.
In case you are in a new job or want to improve your employment situation, you might look at the post in its original form about jobs. It has some helpful reminders that could help anyone, even if you are just looking to keep your current job.
Too often, when marriages fail, the parties get caught up in an escalating cyclone of angry words and hurt feelings. Words become weapons and little effort is made to really communicate on a substantive level. For people who don't like that and who want to escape that destructive environment, Collaborative Law offers the possibility of more respectful, and less stressful, communication. Collaborative Law is a process that relies on direct communication between the parties in a controlled environment.
Discussions occur in joint meetings attended by both parties, their attorneys and (usually) a neutral mental health professional (MHP) whose role is to facilitate communication. We usually discourage direct discussions between the parties without the team of professionals being present. Experience has shown that the parties work together well with the attorneys and MHP present, but they can quickly revert to old patterns of conflict without the professionals present. It is truly amazing how much difference there is in discussions between the parties when an MHP is present as compared to when one is not present.
Nevertheless, one of the less-emphasized advantages of Collaborative Law is the benefits derived by the parties from their direct discussions. As a reminder, here are some of the reasons why Collaborative Law is so effective:
1. The communications are unfiltered. When the parties negotiate at the courthouse, for example, they rarely stand face-to-face to discuss issues. The attorneys typically keep the parties apart and the attorneys go back and forth carrying messages from the other side and back to the other attorney. Even though it is unintentional, there is unavoidable filtering or changing of the messages. It might be a few different words, the omission of something or a change of emphasis, but there will be changes in the words that are exchanged. It changes the dynamics of the communications and sometimes will affect the decisions and agreements that are reached or that are unable to be reached.
2. There is faster communication. When the attorneys are going back and forth, there is a lot of repetition that could be avoided by direct communications. Having direct contact also allows for more immediate responses and extended discussions.
3. Non-verbal messages are sent and received in direct discussions. Facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, volume and other factors can be communicated and received in face-to-face discussions. They can add a lot of meaning and can change a message tremendously.
4. Direct discussions can help immediately correct mistakes and misunderstandings. Getting the message directly helps avoid such misunderstandings, and the direct contact allow for immediate confirmation or discussion of things that did not sound right or which may have been misunderstood.
5. The parties can deal with differences appropriately, directly and respectfully. In divorce and other family law issues, there will be disagreements. Sometimes it's best to just acknowledge the differences. In other cases, the parties may be able to compromise when they are able to express their concerns and are encouraged to listen to the other party's issues as well. With the support of the professionals on the team working with the parties, they may be able to deal with difficult subjects without losing their temper. The professionals provide a safe and effective environment for difficult discussions.
These are just some of the reasons why direct discussion can be beneficial. In a carefully managed system of communication, such as Collaborative Law provides, parties are able to effectively take advantage of the opportunities to discuss serious matters directly and possibly come to some agreements.
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