Finding Peace on Earth During Divorce

During December each year, there is always a lot of talk about "Peace on Earth".  Anyone in a bad marriage knows that marriages can be very un-peaceful.  For those in bad marriages, it may be the seasonal talk about peace that motivates them to file for divorce in January or February.

During any time of the year, peace is actually a consideration for getting divorced.  Here are some suggestions if you are looking for a peaceful solution to a difficult marriage.

1.  Remember that most divorces have conflict.  But, you can try to minimize the conflict. Be respectful of each other.  Consider each other's point in view.  Understand that neither party is likely to get everything they want.  Knowing there will be some conflict, you should act like an adult and disagree politely and respectfully.  Avoiding anger will pay off in the long run.

2.  You have a choice: be constructive or make it worse.  If you react in anger, you're choosing the second option.  If you can pause and make a thoughtful response to provocation, you will make the situation better.  Don't get dragged down into fighting. Maybe you can elevate your spouse's behavior. You know the buttons to push to upset your spouse, but you probably also know how to get your spouse in a good mood.  Chose the high road.

3.  Think about the life you want post-divorce.  Plan ahead.  Come up with a reasonable approach that can help meet your needs, but also make it possible for your spouse to feel like a winner on issues important to him/her.

4.  Choose the Collaborative Law process. If you have significant  issues about property division or children, the Collaborative process can be very helpful for you and your family.  It's better to resolve those issues in a controlled, safe and respectful environment.  Those are important matters and you need help.

5.  Hire a trained and experienced Collaborative attorney.  If you go see an attorney who tries to tell you that he/she does Collaborative work, but your case is not appropriate, do yourself a favor and get a second opinion from an attorney who has a lot of experience with Collaborative cases.  Unfortunately, some attorneys do a bait and switch. Other attorneys try to talk you out of using Collaborative either because they aren't trained in it or because they don't make as much money doing Collaborative work as they do with litigation.  I see very few cases that couldn't go Collaborative. Get a second opinion if someone tries to say you shouldn't use Collaborative Law!

If you follow the above suggestions, you have a good chance of having a peaceful divorce.  Good luck!

What Should You Do if Your Spouse Gives You a List of Suggested Attorneys for a Collaborative Divorce?

Although you might be tempted to run hard in the opposite direction, this is not a bad or scary thing. You may not want a divorce, but if your spouse wants it, a divorce will be granted eventually. The list you receive may be the key to having a good experience, or at least making the best out of a situation you don't want.

1.  What does the list mean? Don't worry, you're not in danger.  It clearly indicates that your spouse is planning to or has filed for divorce. It also means that your spouse wants to try to be civilized about the uncoupling.

2.  Should you feel surprised?  Probably not.  There may have been discussions recently or over a period of time.  At the very least, there have likely been problems between the two of you. If you think about it, you may remember signs that things weren't going well.

     Regardless of whether your are surprised, you need to protect yourself.

3.  So, what should you do?  (Multiple Choice time!)

a.  Accept the list and check them out.

b.  Do your own research on line.

c.  Ask friends or counselors or attorneys to recommend  a Collaborative attorney.

d.  Take a little time to assess the situation.

e.  All of the above.

And the correct answer is "e".

4.  Check out the names on the list. They do not work with your spouse's attorney.  They are all independent and each would only represent your interests. They would have no connection to your spouse.

Once you learn a little about Collaborative Law, you will understand that it helps you to have an attorney who knows, gets along with and has successfully worked with, the other side's attorney. 

If you are in the Collaborative process, you want two lawyers who can work together to reach an agreement without creating stress, animosity or excessive costs. You want a peaceful resolution.  It takes two special lawyers.

Final Word:  If you are too uncomfortable to use the names on your list, feel free to search for another trained Collaborative attorney. Check their experience and make sure they actually have handled a number of Collaborative cases.  Unfortunately, there are some attorneys who claim to be Collaborative who always find a reason to talk people out of using Collaborative.  If someone tries that with you, go see another Collaborative attorney.  You will be much better off.

Why Negotiating Outside the Meetings is a Bad Idea

Some people will always be tempted to try to negotiate parts of their settlement outside the Collaborative meetings.  Sometimes, both parties want to do it, but most often it's just one of the parties who tries to engage their spouse in talks.

These are people who have been unable to agree on things, often having heated arguments over all kinds of issues. Typically, they have tried negotiating before they hired lawyers. 

Why do they do it?

• Save time.
• Save money by cutting out attorney's fees or professionals' fees.
• They think they understand or know more now and the issues are simple.
• Someone is frustrated with the Collaborative process because it doesn't move at super speed.
• Someone wants to control the process, the other party or the outcome, or all of them.

 Why is it a bad idea?

Although it's not always a bad idea, more often than not, problems arise, such as:

• People going through divorces often don't behave as well together when the attorneys and other professionals are not around. Even when there have been productive meetings and discussions in the process, when the professionals are not around the parties often revert to their old ways of communicating and interpreting what the other is saying and doing.
• It may lead to more arguments and hurt feelings, especially if only one of the parties wants to negotiate.
•  Short-cuts often lead to harmful or bad decisions.  The parties may lack information. One or both parties could lack experience in negotiating important matters.  One side often feels pressured which makes them uncomfortable.
• It could even derail the process if the parties get really mad or get into serious disagreements. 

What should you do if you are tempted to try to work out some agreements privately?

•  Just say NO!  Blame it on your attorney or the other professionals, if you want to, but it's better to avoid it.  
• If this is just a simple matter, it won't take long to handle it at a meeting, so there's no harm and little cost involved.
• Re-direct attention.  Change the subject.  Get your spouse to discuss something different that he or she is interested in and then leave or end the conversation. 
• Put off your spouse by suggesting you need to do some homework on it, which you should do anyway and then go talk with your attorney about it before you negotiate.
• Don't get into a long talk with your spouse about whether it's a good idea. You may end up getting mad or getting talked into something you don't want to do.

Best Advice:  Talk to your attorney first, whether you are thinking of initiating it or if your spouse suggests it.  Maybe it can work, but please listen to your attorney.

Don't Be a Lone Ranger!

When you're going through a divorce, even using Collaborative Law, it's sometimes frustrating.  It may seem like things are moving too slow or too fast, or that things aren't going your way and your spouse if getting whatever he or she wants.

Sometimes, it feels like you don't have any control over your own life. You may feel like the attorneys and other professionals are micro-managing your life, but this isn't your old life anymore.  You are transitioning out of marriage into a single life again.  You will be in limbo while the divorce is pending.  Your spouse is also in limbo.

A good way to handle frustration during a divorce is to talk with your attorney.  You can also engage a private counselor for yourself and over time, that can be very helpful.

Some people, however, choose a less helpful path.  They let their frustration build to a point where they decide to take unilateral action. That can upset their spouse and possibly derail the Collaborative process.

Here are some bad moves that you should not make:

• Start dating while the divorce is pending.  That's always a bad idea.  Please wait.  It will likely be very upsetting to your spouse, and you will probably add issues about reimbursement for wasting community funds on dating.
• Suddenly move.  Without notice.  It's worse if there are kids involved.  Even without kids, there are obvious financial ramifications. It probably violates agreements already in place.
• Take an expensive vacation. You are probably spending community funds and your spouse will probably be unhappy. That makes the process much more difficult to complete.
• Buy a house.  Without an agreement to spend community funds, there's a major problem.  If there are children, a new house can upset school and other plans.  It can also cause ripples through all the financial issues.
• Change schools without an agreement.  When parents are not in agreement, this can cause very serious problems and possibly end the Collaborative process.
• Take a new job.  That can be good or bad. It will certainly change the financial equation.  Even though it's your life, it will create more good will if you discuss the change with everyone in advance.
• Clean out a bank account.  That can be considered an act of war.  Don't do it.  If you need funds, have a discussion.  If you think your spouse might try to take the money, you need to have a basic discussion about whether the two of you want to us the Collaborative process.
• Make children's plans that infringe on the other parent's time.  Be respectful with your spouse/co-parent.  The children don't need to be put in the middle of fights between the two parents.  Find a way to work together for the kids' sake. Work with the mental health professional to compromise on sharing the time with the children.

If you get seriously frustrated, please talk with your attorney.  He or she can help you put things in perspective.  Part of the problem may be expectations and your attorney can help you have realistic expectations about how the Collaborative divorce process will work in your case.You can also work with the mental health professional or financial professional to resolve some of the issues.

Whatever you do, don't give up on the process. Please talk with one of the professionals!

Do You Really Want to Settle?

At the start of a divorce, some people think about whether they should try to settle the case or just get ready to fight.  Usually, those people have not been through a divorce and don't know how to settle and don't know the costs of fighting.  In this post, I would like to focus on settling.  The costs of fighting are enormous and the result is not worth the cost in my view.

Why settle?  There are lots of reasons.

• You can get the case resolved now, rather than letting it drag out for a year or more.
• Save money.  It costs much less to focus on settling.  Fighting involves having extra hearings, filing a lot of  motions and doing discovery.  Those actions involve a lot of attorney time and fees and they get everyone stirred up. After all of the fighting is done, the parties usually end up settling, but with much less to be divided.
• You can focus on getting what you really need or value, rather than just ending up with an arbitrary percentage share of everything.
• There's a chance both parties will be satisfied with the result. 

So, if you're interested in the idea of settling, what can you do to improve your chances for success?

• Be prepared.  Think ahead about how you want to end up.  Think about how to persuade your spouse to agree to what you want. Gather documents that you will need to negotiate.  Do your homework and come to meetings prepared to discuss the topics that are scheduled.
• Be open-minded.  There is more than one way to do things.  Be able to consider other alternatives than the one you favor.
• Work with an attorney.  In a divorce, you are dividing all the family's assets and liabilities.  You are often making plans for the children for the next 10 to 15 years. You need to have an experienced professional to help you figure out your options and make the best decisions.
• Try the Collaborative process and work with a neutral financial professional (FP) and neutral therapist (MHP).  The FP provides expert assistance to you in handling the property issues.  As well has helping put together a parenting plan when there are children involved, the MHP helps manage the joint meetings to improve communication between the parties. You know how easy it is to get angry at your spouse, or for your spouse to get angry with you, when you are discussing important matters. The MHP is very effective in keeping the peace.
• Talk often with your attorney.  If you are concerned that the Collaborative process will be, or has become, too stressful, discuss the situation with your attorney.  An experienced Collaborative attorney can help reassure you and suggest actions that can help.
• Focus on the important goals.  Obviously, some things are more important than others.  Be willing to trade off some issues or other things.
• Remember the importance of helping your spouse also "win", so you have a "win-win" situation.  Not only does that increase the chances for success, but it will make the post-divorce relationship much better.

For most professionals who work in the family law field, and for most people who have been through a divorce, the choice between fighting or settling is pretty obvious.  Hopefully, if you are facing that decision, you will choose the course that is best for you.

How to Find an Experienced Collaborative Attorney

If you are about to start a divorce proceeding and are considering using Collaborative Law, or if your spouse wants you to consider Collaborative Law, you need to think about finding a good Collaborative attorney to represent you.

Referrals and searching on line:
Two obvious starting points are to ask friends, acquaintances or professionals for recommendations or to research on line.  If you get some possible names as referrals, you should naturally check them out on line.

What to look for on line?

• Whether they are a Board Certified Specialist in Family Law.
• Whether the web site contains helpful information on Collaborative Law.
• How long the attorney has been practicing Collaborative Law.
• Whether the web site clearly shows how and why Collaborative Law should be used.
• See what groups they are members of.  It's a good sign if they are members of Collaborative Divorce Texas, the state organization, and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, the international organization.  Both groups promote education and the practice of Collaborative Law and their web sites have good explanatory information about Collaborative Divorce practice.

Referrals and on line searches are good starting points, but it will still be necessary to meet in person with a prospective attorney. An essential element in choosing an attorney is chemistry.  You have got to have a good feeling about the attorney and part of that comes from how well the attorney listens and communicates with you.

In addition, you are probably better off if you work with an experienced Collaborative lawyer.

When you meet with a prospective lawyer, here are some topics you might discuss:

• How long has the attorney practiced Family Law?
• How long has the attorney practiced Collaborative Law?
• How many Collaborative cases has the attorney handled?
• Is the attorney Board Certified as a Specialist in Family Law?
• How often does the attorney get continuing legal education in Collaborative Law?
• Does the attorney speak at Collaborative Law trainings?
• Has the attorney had leadership roles in Collaborative or Family Law organizations?

Those issues will help you find out if the attorney has been actively participating in Collaborative Law and for how long.

Fortunately, there are a number of good, experienced Collaborative attorneys around.  

Once you have found some with experience, you can decide based on your intangible gut feeling.  If you feel good chemistry and communication, it's probably the right person to hire.

The Value of an Experienced Lawyer

Although it might seem obvious, an experienced lawyer brings a lot to the table that a less-experienced lawyer may not be able to match.  There are certainly very good less-experienced lawyers around, but here are some things to look for when you are choosing a lawyer to help with a Collaborative Law case.

1.  Knowledge of the law.  The experienced lawyer will thoroughly know the general Family Law provisions, but will also have a good working knowledge of Collaborative Law.  A less-experienced lawyer may not have had many Collaborative cases and may not be as comfortable in various phases of the process.

2.  Knowledge of what options to consider. An experienced lawyer knows what options are available and can help you decide how to proceed.  Collaborative Law won't work for every case, but it's always worth considering. 

3.  Experience with various approaches in the past.  There are slightly different ways to start a case and different ways to get the spouse to sign on to the Collaborative process. An experienced Collaborative attorney will know for different courses of action what the benefits may be, what problems may arise and what unplanned results may occur.  The experienced lawyer can't anticipate everything, but can help prepare for many things.

4. Comfortable working with the other professionals.  An experienced Collaborative lawyer will be used to working with the neutral professionals and understands their value.  That means the attorney is able to turn over portions of the work to the other professionals, knowing they will do a good job

5. Comfortable working with the other attorney in a non-traditional role.  In litigation, attorneys are strictly adversaries.  In the Collaborative process, they work cooperatively and that is difficult for some attorneys until they have enough cases that it becomes "normal".

6.  Knowledge of negotiating skills.  While some litigating attorneys are also   good negotiators, most often they are not well trained in negotiating.  They have to re-learn negotiating based on the interests of the parties, rather than by staking out extreme positions and negotiating toward a middle point, like car buyers and sellers do.  Focusing on the interests and needs of the parties can result in much more satisfying agreements for both parties.

7.  Knowledge of communication skills.  An experienced Collaborative attorney usually learns a great deal about communications.  It starts with how to analyze the situation, including the relations between the parties and their styles of communication.  The experienced attorney can help you learn what to say to your spouse, how to say it and what not to do.  It would have been nice to know that at the start of the marriage, but it also helps now because there will always be some connection between you and your ex-spouse.

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When it's time to hire a Collaborative lawyer, you should shop around and find an experienced Collaborative lawyer you are comfortable with.  My next post will talk about how to tell if the attorney has good experience that will help your case be successful.

How to Slowly Prepare for a Divorce

Having Time to Think and Plan
If you are not in an emergency situation or under pressure to make quick decisions, you can actually prepare for a divorce that can be fairly rational.  That's not to say that you and your spouse will not act irrationally from time to time.  That happens. For some people, there is an opportunity to research and plan so that going through a divorce is not just reacting to a sudden situation.

Suggestions
If you have time to prepare, here are some suggestions for how to start on a divorce.

1.  Do you have some money?  If not, you need to accumulate some or find a source to lend money to you.  Not only will you have to pay legal expenses, but you will have to find a way to financially create and support two households out of one.  There will be all kinds of new expenses.  Even though you may hate to do so, you may have to borrow money from family or friends or banks.  Keep your options open.  If someone offers to help, don't turn them down.

2.  Do you have a place to live?  You may be able to continue sharing a residence with your spouse while the divorce is pending, but you probably won't want to.  Or, your spouse may want to move out.  Can you afford to keep your current residence? Or, can you afford a new residence?

3.  Do you have a way to protect your children?  You may have a mature, cooperative relationship with the other parent, but you may not.  Hopefully, you can lay the groundwork to start a cooperative parenting relationship with your spouse. You don't want the kids to be a pawn between the adults in your divorce.

4.  Do you have a way to support yourself?  If you aren't working, you need to find a job or start updating your training.  If at all possible, you need to be financially independent.  If that's not realistic, at least find a job or upgrade your job or skills.

5.  Do you have a plan for the future?  You need to think ahead about starting over in every facet of your life.  Don't fall into just reacting to what's going on with a divorce.  Do some planning and get help setting up plans and goals.

6.  Have you discussed divorce with your spouse?  If you can, and it wouldn't spook your spouse into over-reacting, you should gently bring up the topic.  Chances are, your spouse has been considering it also.  On the other hand, springing a surprise on the other spouse can create a lot of anger, which means you have a more difficult and expensive divorce.

7.  Will the split be peaceful?  Some are and some aren't.  You need to try to figure that out.  That's useful information to share with your attorney since it will probably determine how the divorce starts.

What to do:  Research attorneys and find someone nearby who does Collaborative divorces.  Work with an experienced Collaborative attorney if you want to keep things private and peaceful.  Good luck.