Tips for Better Communication During a Divorce

In any divorce, things get heated occasionally (or more often).  In Collaborative divorces, the parties can still feel considerable stress.  It is an emotional experience.  Sometimes, parties will react emotionally, in anger, and that is regrettable.  Here are some quick tips to help maintain a constructive relationship between the parties.

1.  Don't text in anger or if you have been drinking.  That never works out well.  You may be mad at your spouse, and he or she may have done you seriously wrong, but a mean, ugly, angry text will cause damage to a relationship that you need to maintain for at least a little while. You may feel smart or clever when you type it, but it will lead to a bad reaction from someone you need to work with to settle your case.

2.  Don't focus on blame or fault.  Especially in Collaborative cases, fault is normally not an issue.  We look forward, not back.  Arguing fault is a diversion that hinders getting to an agreement.

3.  Don't leave messages when you are angry or have been drinking.  See #1 above.  Voice mails will cause major problems.  You need to reach an agreement so you can meet your own needs and interests.

4.  Don't negotiate with your spouse between joint meetings.  Sometimes the Collaborative process works very well and people start to think that they can save money by working out some details on their own.  Occasionally, that works, but more often, the parties get into arguments.  The conflict occurs because they are talking without the attorneys and mental health professional around to help manage the discussions.  Good behavior at joint meetings comes about because of the mutually agreed rules and because of the assistance provided by the professionals.  Without the structure and presence, the parties usually quickly slide back into bad behaviors.

5.  Focus on the big high-level goals, not small, irritating issues.  Any time you get started on really small details, it becomes much easier to get into arguments.  The way out is to think about the bigger issues and how to achieve the higher goals.  It really works!

Keep these tips in mind and you will have a better and more successful Collaborative experience!

Process Options for Resolving Divorces

If you are facing the start up of a divorce, one of the first decisions to be made is which legal process your case will use.  When you are meeting with an attorney, you should be informed about at least 4 different processes.  So that you are better prepared for the initial meeting, here's a preview of what you should find out from the attorney.  If you don't hear about all these approaches, you should probably meet with another attorney to make sure you get a balanced view of your choices.

1.  Do it Yourself, or the Kitchen Table Approach.  In this process, you and your spouse work together informally and come to agreements on what to do.  It's certainly cheaper (at least initially) to handle things yourself.  In the right case, it can be less stressful if both parties are cooperative.  Usually, the right case is one where there's nothing in dispute and nothing to agree on. Those situations are very rare.

There are several potential problems, however, such as:

• you may not have all the information you need, 
• you may be uninformed about some aspects of the law or facts, 
• you may be misinformed (lied to) about some aspects, 
• you may have not anticipated some  important issues, and
• you may not have the proper paperwork.  

Even though it is getting easier to find divorce forms online, they may not be the right forms for you.  Sometimes forms and apps and books are prepared based on some other state's laws (often that's California) and that can really mess up a Texas divorce.  In addition, some situations can become very stressful, especially when one spouse may pressure or intimidate the other spouse, which happens frequently when a spouse has been controlling for a while already. 

2.  Mediation.  You can do mediation with or without an attorney.  Doing it without an attorney can be very risky.  A good mediator can help the parties come to an agreement, but the agreement may not be in your or your child's best interest.  A controlling spouse can sometimes get the other spouse to take much lower (or much higher) child support than a court would award, for example, or might get a spouse to give up too much property.

In North Texas, most mediations take place after the divorce is filed and with attorneys representing both parties and attending the mediation.  Unfortunately, that type of mediation (with attorneys) usually takes place just before trial, after one or more court hearings and after discovery (the formal exchange of documents and information) has been completed.  Mediation usually works and is a great process.  It's just that the timing is unfortunate.


3.  Litigation.  This is the standard default process to use.  Some attorneys are not trained in Collaborative Law and don't want to try it, so they ignore it and go straight to litigation.

The litigation process most often starts with filing a petition for divorce, getting a restraining order and having a temporary hearing right away to set up temporary  orders governing custody, support, visitation, use of the house and other property and how the bills will be paid.

After that, there is a process for exchanging information, called "Discovery", that usually includes written questions, requests for documents and electronic information, requests to disclose some basic information and sometimes depositions.  Discovery is usually very time-consuming and expensive.

There can also be various hearings while the divorce is pending.  In contested cases, the hearings may be to enforce orders or to change the orders.

The Court usually sets up a scheduling order for the various steps that are followed leading to the trial.  Usually mediation is required, but it's often shortly before trial.  Most cases, even in litigation, will settle before trial, but a lot of work is done before the settlement is worked out, and that means it's very expensive.  In Tarrant County, a trial is usually set about a year or more after the case is filed.

4.  Collaborative Law.  This has become a great alternative for resolving cases.  The parties each hire their own attorney and the attorneys usually bring in a neutral mental health professional and a neutral financial professional.  The attorneys and other professionals must be trained in Collaborative Law.  Many attorneys are not trained, so check with the attorneys before you hire one.

The process involves a series of meetings that take place after the parties sign an agreement to not go to court.  If the process breaks down, the attorneys and other professionals must withdraw and the parties must hire new counsel.  As strange as it may seem, that is one of the main reasons the process almost always works -- everyone loses if the parties can't come to an agreement.  The attorneys and professionals lose business and the parties are out the fees they have already paid, along with new fees that will be required.

For more information about how the Collaborative process works, please look at some other articles in this blog.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the third in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                 
                 The Teenage Kids + Wife Starting Over Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 25 years.  They have two teenage children, a boy and a girl, ages 14 and 16.  Husband is a doctor and wife has been a stay-at-home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, several retirement plans, a variety of  investments, an interest in the doctor's medical practice group and no debt, other than the mortgage.

Issues:  How husband can keep a relationship with the kids, how to compensate for the value of husband's medical practice, what to do with the house and how to help wife get ready to re-join the work force.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). They also retain a neutral business appraiser for the husband's practice and a neutral real estate appraiser for their residence.  If the issues about husband's relationships with the children are very difficult, the attorneys might bring in a child specialist to help with coming up with a plan for the husband and children.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting. Or, the child specialist could take the lead on the parenting plan. The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP or child specialist has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  The attorneys coordinate the appraisals. The Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets in a beneficial way, not just each taking half of everything.  The FP also focuses on a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  Alimony will probably be a major component in providing support for the wife as she transitions back into the work force, and it will produce tax benefits for husband.  The financial professional  also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have time with the kids that takes into account the fact that the children have become busy and independent and probably don't want to spend much time with either parent.  The property is divided and alimony is given to wife to enable her to get the training she needs to get back into the labor force while still supervising teenage children.  Wife may keep the house, if it is affordable.  Otherwise, cash is found to get her into another less-expensive residence.

Comment:  The case would probably have taken about 6-8 joint meetings because there are many difficult issues for both parties.  If it had gone to litigation, it probably would have taken a year to a year and a half to get through a trial (or a mediation just before the trial date).

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the second  in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                   
                               The Affair Case

Facts:  This case involves a 12-year marriage and two children, ages 6 and 9.  Husband and wife both work and make a good living.  They have a house, two retirements and some cash in the bank.

Issues:  The issues here mainly revolve around the kids.  Wife knows about the affair.  She is unhappy about that, but she was also unhappy in the marriage.  She is concerned about how the girlfriend (this one and any future ones) will eventually be introduced to the children and how visitation will be shared.  Wife also feels very strongly that husband should not have the girlfriend spend the night with him, with the kids present, until husband and girlfriend marry.

Steps Followed:  The two attorneys select a neutral mental health professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP) to work with them and the parties.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties  identify their goals, needs and interests and share them with everyone so the focus will be clear for future meetings.

Financial Issues:  The parties meet separately with the FP who gathers and organizes their financial information.  The FP prepares a spreadsheet and budgets for both parties.  The financial issues will be discussed at one or more joint meetings and there probably won't be too big a problem in reaching agreement.

Kid Issues:  The more difficult issues may be the ones relating to the children.  The MHP works with the parties to help the parties prepare to tell the children about the divorce and to help them come up with a plan about how to introduce new significant others for both parties to the children.  The MHP does most of the work in getting the parents to understand the need to look at this from the kids' perspective.  Visitation is probably not much of an issue, once the girlfriend issue is worked through.

Comment:  If this had gone to litigation, standard visitation schedules would have applied and the outcome on the girlfriend issues would primarily have depended on whether the Judge hearing the case considered it a big issue, regardless of how strongly the wife felt about it.  The case might have dragged out for 9 months to a year or more if the parties really got into fighting over the kids or the money.

To find out whether Collaborative Law could possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the first in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                     
                               The Uneventful Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 15 years.  They have two children, a boy and a girl, ages 10 and 8.  Husband has a sales job and wife has been a stay at home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, two retirement plans, some investments and very little debt.

Issues:  How to share time with the kids and providing some extra support for mom as she starts to rejoin the workforce.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). 

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting.  The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The MHP has also helped the parents work out a plan for how they would tell the children.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  Equally important, the Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets and a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  The FP also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have meaningful time with the kids.  The property is divided and extra support is given to wife to enable her to do what's necessary to get back into the labor force while still being the primary caregiver of the children.

Comment:  Very few cases are this simple, but the story tells about the roles of everyone working on a Collaborative case.  The case would probably have taken about 4-5 joint meetings.

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.