Tips for Better Communication During a Divorce

In any divorce, things get heated occasionally (or more often).  In Collaborative divorces, the parties can still feel considerable stress.  It is an emotional experience.  Sometimes, parties will react emotionally, in anger, and that is regrettable.  Here are some quick tips to help maintain a constructive relationship between the parties.

1.  Don't text in anger or if you have been drinking.  That never works out well.  You may be mad at your spouse, and he or she may have done you seriously wrong, but a mean, ugly, angry text will cause damage to a relationship that you need to maintain for at least a little while. You may feel smart or clever when you type it, but it will lead to a bad reaction from someone you need to work with to settle your case.

2.  Don't focus on blame or fault.  Especially in Collaborative cases, fault is normally not an issue.  We look forward, not back.  Arguing fault is a diversion that hinders getting to an agreement.

3.  Don't leave messages when you are angry or have been drinking.  See #1 above.  Voice mails will cause major problems.  You need to reach an agreement so you can meet your own needs and interests.

4.  Don't negotiate with your spouse between joint meetings.  Sometimes the Collaborative process works very well and people start to think that they can save money by working out some details on their own.  Occasionally, that works, but more often, the parties get into arguments.  The conflict occurs because they are talking without the attorneys and mental health professional around to help manage the discussions.  Good behavior at joint meetings comes about because of the mutually agreed rules and because of the assistance provided by the professionals.  Without the structure and presence, the parties usually quickly slide back into bad behaviors.

5.  Focus on the big high-level goals, not small, irritating issues.  Any time you get started on really small details, it becomes much easier to get into arguments.  The way out is to think about the bigger issues and how to achieve the higher goals.  It really works!

Keep these tips in mind and you will have a better and more successful Collaborative experience!

Process Options for Resolving Divorces

If you are facing the start up of a divorce, one of the first decisions to be made is which legal process your case will use.  When you are meeting with an attorney, you should be informed about at least 4 different processes.  So that you are better prepared for the initial meeting, here's a preview of what you should find out from the attorney.  If you don't hear about all these approaches, you should probably meet with another attorney to make sure you get a balanced view of your choices.

1.  Do it Yourself, or the Kitchen Table Approach.  In this process, you and your spouse work together informally and come to agreements on what to do.  It's certainly cheaper (at least initially) to handle things yourself.  In the right case, it can be less stressful if both parties are cooperative.  Usually, the right case is one where there's nothing in dispute and nothing to agree on. Those situations are very rare.

There are several potential problems, however, such as:

• you may not have all the information you need, 
• you may be uninformed about some aspects of the law or facts, 
• you may be misinformed (lied to) about some aspects, 
• you may have not anticipated some  important issues, and
• you may not have the proper paperwork.  

Even though it is getting easier to find divorce forms online, they may not be the right forms for you.  Sometimes forms and apps and books are prepared based on some other state's laws (often that's California) and that can really mess up a Texas divorce.  In addition, some situations can become very stressful, especially when one spouse may pressure or intimidate the other spouse, which happens frequently when a spouse has been controlling for a while already. 

2.  Mediation.  You can do mediation with or without an attorney.  Doing it without an attorney can be very risky.  A good mediator can help the parties come to an agreement, but the agreement may not be in your or your child's best interest.  A controlling spouse can sometimes get the other spouse to take much lower (or much higher) child support than a court would award, for example, or might get a spouse to give up too much property.

In North Texas, most mediations take place after the divorce is filed and with attorneys representing both parties and attending the mediation.  Unfortunately, that type of mediation (with attorneys) usually takes place just before trial, after one or more court hearings and after discovery (the formal exchange of documents and information) has been completed.  Mediation usually works and is a great process.  It's just that the timing is unfortunate.


3.  Litigation.  This is the standard default process to use.  Some attorneys are not trained in Collaborative Law and don't want to try it, so they ignore it and go straight to litigation.

The litigation process most often starts with filing a petition for divorce, getting a restraining order and having a temporary hearing right away to set up temporary  orders governing custody, support, visitation, use of the house and other property and how the bills will be paid.

After that, there is a process for exchanging information, called "Discovery", that usually includes written questions, requests for documents and electronic information, requests to disclose some basic information and sometimes depositions.  Discovery is usually very time-consuming and expensive.

There can also be various hearings while the divorce is pending.  In contested cases, the hearings may be to enforce orders or to change the orders.

The Court usually sets up a scheduling order for the various steps that are followed leading to the trial.  Usually mediation is required, but it's often shortly before trial.  Most cases, even in litigation, will settle before trial, but a lot of work is done before the settlement is worked out, and that means it's very expensive.  In Tarrant County, a trial is usually set about a year or more after the case is filed.

4.  Collaborative Law.  This has become a great alternative for resolving cases.  The parties each hire their own attorney and the attorneys usually bring in a neutral mental health professional and a neutral financial professional.  The attorneys and other professionals must be trained in Collaborative Law.  Many attorneys are not trained, so check with the attorneys before you hire one.

The process involves a series of meetings that take place after the parties sign an agreement to not go to court.  If the process breaks down, the attorneys and other professionals must withdraw and the parties must hire new counsel.  As strange as it may seem, that is one of the main reasons the process almost always works -- everyone loses if the parties can't come to an agreement.  The attorneys and professionals lose business and the parties are out the fees they have already paid, along with new fees that will be required.

For more information about how the Collaborative process works, please look at some other articles in this blog.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the third in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                 
                 The Teenage Kids + Wife Starting Over Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 25 years.  They have two teenage children, a boy and a girl, ages 14 and 16.  Husband is a doctor and wife has been a stay-at-home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, several retirement plans, a variety of  investments, an interest in the doctor's medical practice group and no debt, other than the mortgage.

Issues:  How husband can keep a relationship with the kids, how to compensate for the value of husband's medical practice, what to do with the house and how to help wife get ready to re-join the work force.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). They also retain a neutral business appraiser for the husband's practice and a neutral real estate appraiser for their residence.  If the issues about husband's relationships with the children are very difficult, the attorneys might bring in a child specialist to help with coming up with a plan for the husband and children.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting. Or, the child specialist could take the lead on the parenting plan. The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP or child specialist has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  The attorneys coordinate the appraisals. The Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets in a beneficial way, not just each taking half of everything.  The FP also focuses on a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  Alimony will probably be a major component in providing support for the wife as she transitions back into the work force, and it will produce tax benefits for husband.  The financial professional  also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have time with the kids that takes into account the fact that the children have become busy and independent and probably don't want to spend much time with either parent.  The property is divided and alimony is given to wife to enable her to get the training she needs to get back into the labor force while still supervising teenage children.  Wife may keep the house, if it is affordable.  Otherwise, cash is found to get her into another less-expensive residence.

Comment:  The case would probably have taken about 6-8 joint meetings because there are many difficult issues for both parties.  If it had gone to litigation, it probably would have taken a year to a year and a half to get through a trial (or a mediation just before the trial date).

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the second  in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                   
                               The Affair Case

Facts:  This case involves a 12-year marriage and two children, ages 6 and 9.  Husband and wife both work and make a good living.  They have a house, two retirements and some cash in the bank.

Issues:  The issues here mainly revolve around the kids.  Wife knows about the affair.  She is unhappy about that, but she was also unhappy in the marriage.  She is concerned about how the girlfriend (this one and any future ones) will eventually be introduced to the children and how visitation will be shared.  Wife also feels very strongly that husband should not have the girlfriend spend the night with him, with the kids present, until husband and girlfriend marry.

Steps Followed:  The two attorneys select a neutral mental health professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP) to work with them and the parties.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties  identify their goals, needs and interests and share them with everyone so the focus will be clear for future meetings.

Financial Issues:  The parties meet separately with the FP who gathers and organizes their financial information.  The FP prepares a spreadsheet and budgets for both parties.  The financial issues will be discussed at one or more joint meetings and there probably won't be too big a problem in reaching agreement.

Kid Issues:  The more difficult issues may be the ones relating to the children.  The MHP works with the parties to help the parties prepare to tell the children about the divorce and to help them come up with a plan about how to introduce new significant others for both parties to the children.  The MHP does most of the work in getting the parents to understand the need to look at this from the kids' perspective.  Visitation is probably not much of an issue, once the girlfriend issue is worked through.

Comment:  If this had gone to litigation, standard visitation schedules would have applied and the outcome on the girlfriend issues would primarily have depended on whether the Judge hearing the case considered it a big issue, regardless of how strongly the wife felt about it.  The case might have dragged out for 9 months to a year or more if the parties really got into fighting over the kids or the money.

To find out whether Collaborative Law could possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the first in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                     
                               The Uneventful Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 15 years.  They have two children, a boy and a girl, ages 10 and 8.  Husband has a sales job and wife has been a stay at home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, two retirement plans, some investments and very little debt.

Issues:  How to share time with the kids and providing some extra support for mom as she starts to rejoin the workforce.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). 

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting.  The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The MHP has also helped the parents work out a plan for how they would tell the children.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  Equally important, the Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets and a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  The FP also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have meaningful time with the kids.  The property is divided and extra support is given to wife to enable her to do what's necessary to get back into the labor force while still being the primary caregiver of the children.

Comment:  Very few cases are this simple, but the story tells about the roles of everyone working on a Collaborative case.  The case would probably have taken about 4-5 joint meetings.

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Acknowledgements: Spouse of a Professional, Facing Divorce

How about the spouses of professionals?

I recently wrote about how married professionals often feel under-appreciated.  What's true for such professionals as physicians, lawyers, dentists, veterinarians, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots, architects, engineers and many others, is also true for their spouses.  Just like the professionals to whom they are married, spouses of professionals often have a difficult time facing divorce. 

Spouses of high-earning professionals of all types experience some common problems that need to be addressed during the marriage (to save the marriage, if it's not too late!), or during a divorce.  There's always an easy way and a hard way, or a nice way and a not-so-nice way, to do divorces.  People who choose to use Collaborative Law are opting for the nicer way, but that doesn't necessarily make the process easy.

In representing spouses of professionals, I have heard some complaints over and over.  Although I don't doubt the validity of the issues, what really matters is the strong feelings associated with how the spouses feel valued or not.

Many times, busy professionals tend to overlook or minimize the sacrifices of their spouses in keeping a family together, running a household and raising children.  Sometimes, the professionals feel sorry for themselves and don't think much about their spouse.  They often take for granted the daily things the spouse does without getting much credit for it.

For professionals facing divorce, even if they haven't shown much appreciation and understanding of their spouse in the past, and even if they aren't feeling too charitable as they work through a divorce, it is certainly in their best interest to express understanding and appreciation of their spouse.  That can really help establish an atmosphere of cooperation and shared interests.

In case professionals have forgotten what their spouses have done, here are some suggestions of topics to focus on:

• The spouse may have really carried the load for years with the kids.  That includes such time consuming actions as taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the doctor or dentist or orthodontist, getting school supplies, buying appropriately stylist clothes for the kids, managing play dates for young kids, keeping track of dating for older kids, helping them with homework, taking the kids to sports practices and games, and many other things.  That's not to mention being a doctor and therapist for the children.  There's a lot of work that's easy to overlook if you're not in the trenches.
• Your spouse may have carried the load with the house.  Someone has to maintain the house and get help as needed.  Some spouses decorate and clean, others hire workers.  A spouse often takes responsibility for setting up the house to entertain friends, family, business associates and others.
• Your spouse may have worked to support the family while you were in school or in training.  The spouse may not have earned nearly what you earn now, but she or he worked hard and made it possible for you to get to your current position.
• Many times, a spouse must deal with the fact that a professional is away from home for long periods.  Traveling may become tedious to you, but it is lonely for your spouse.
• Believe it or not,  sometimes you are very difficult to deal with when you come home from work.  Your spouse doesn't have anywhere to go or hide.  Instead, she or he tries to comfort you and reassure you that you will get over whatever difficulty you are having at work.
• Your spouse may have needed to take charge of the personal finances.  Because you have been so busy, your spouse often sees that the bills are paid and that the necessities are purchased.  Your spouse has had to live within a tight budge at times, even if you make a high income now.  You probably don't have time to deal with all that. 

 While you have a busy and demanding life, and the family has been rewarded by your income, that doesn't mean that your spouse has had an easy life.  If you will do a little soul searching, you will probably realize that your spouse has done a lot for you that you hadn't recognized before.

It will greatly benefit you if you will make some honest and sincere acknowledgements to your spouse and thank her or him for their contributions.  Just like you may feel under-appreciated, I'll guarantee your spouse feels the same way.  Both of you can do better by understanding more about what the other has contributed to the good aspects of your marriage.  Help yourself  and your family by recognizing your spouse's efforts.

Acknowledgements: Professional Facing Divorce

Physicians are people, too.  So are lawyers, dentists, vets, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots,  and other professionals.  They have feelings.  Sometimes they are successful at marriage and sometimes they aren't.  It's not unusual for professionals to become very successful in their business lives and neglect their personal and family lives.  Unfortunately, they may end up divorcing.  If their spouse has felt neglected as the professional's career advanced, the spouse often becomes angry.  That may lead to an unpleasant divorce.  But, it doesn't have to.

While success in certain professions seems to depend upon the person being objective and unemotional, there are still emotions that exist deep within everyone.  One that I hear about, when representing a high wage-earning professional is a lack of appreciation from the family.  I have heard many professionals complain that they are treated just as a meal ticket or bank account.  There may be many reasons for the lack of respect and appreciation, but the situation is real. 

In Collaborative cases, we sometimes work with the parties to have more empathy and understanding for their spouses.  Working on that can make it easier to come to a settlement and to find an appropriate settlement.  If you are the spouse of a professional who works hard and makes a lot of money, but you are now facing a divorce, it is in your best interest to try to understand your spouse's perspective, even if you don't agree with it and even if you strongly dislike your spouse now.  When you are facing a divorce, it is inevitable that you will be divorced. 

The question is whether you can reach a favorable settlement or whether you want to turn over the control and decision-making to a stranger (the judge) who may not see things the way you do.  If you want to reach an amicable agreement, it helps if you have some understanding of the feelings that your spouse probably hasn't shared with you about his or her sacrifices in reaching this point of his or her and your lives.

Here are some things I have heard over and over.  That means they are common feelings and ones that your spouse may have experienced.

• The spouse went through long years of training to reach this point.  While you may have been there and even sacrificed to make it possible, your spouse did put in a lot of sweat and dealt with a lot of stress to get here.
• The professional puts in long hours of work.  This may be one of your complaints, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that your spouse is working hard and gets tired.
• Although your spouse may be making a lot of money now, the pay was low and hours long in the beginning.  That's tough to put up with and probably wasn't easy for you either, but you should give credit to your spouse.
• Your spouse works hard to earn the high income he/she is bringing home now.  No matter what career your spouse chose, hard work precedes the pay-off.
• The work is often stressful.  Many professionals deal with life and death decisions, health issues or large financial issues.  There's a lot hanging in the balance and there's huge responsibility.
• Many professionals sacrifice time at home with the family in order to advance in the career or maintain a high income.  Their spouses may not view it as a good thing, but many professionals believe they don't have a choice and yet they miss their family.
• The professional is a good breadwinner.  He/she is successful.  Many would really appreciate hearing thanks from their family.

If you are married to a high-wage-earning professional and you are now facing a divorce, it would really benefit you to consider the points above and try to come up with some statements acknowledging how hard your spouse has worked, the sacrifices made and the successes they have had.  Showing some appreciation may help defrost relations and lead to a better settlement for both sides.  Talk it over with your lawyer and the mental health professional, if you are in a Collaborative divorce.