Thursday, February 1, 2018

How Can I Have a Peaceful Divorce?

If you really want to avoid fighting, as much as possible, in a divorce, here's what you need to do.
1.  Choose Collaborative Law.  If you get into traditional litigation, you may be drawn into more conflict.  Most of the time in litigation, you are placed in opposition to your spouse, rather than working with him/her to find win-win solutions. Most divorces will eventually get into mediation, but that's late in the process after a lot of damage has been done.

2.  Work with a team. In North Texas, almost all Collaborative divorces involve bringing in a neutral mental health professional and a neutral financial professional to work with the parties and attorneys.  The neutrals help the quality of the agreements on parenting and property division, as well as helping the process move along smoothly.

3.  Focus on goals, needs and interests of both parties.  Doing that helps make sure we deal with the most important matters and not get bogged down in minor issues. We can be a lot more efficient as well.

4.  Hire experienced Collaborative Law attorneys.  As a starter, you want to make sure the attorneys are trained in Collaborative Law.  Just as in most other matters, experience helps.  It's nice to have someone who has dealt with your issues before so look for a Collaborative attorney who has done it for a while.

5.  Be willing to try new approaches.  Don't get locked into what your family and friends tell you.  Be open to new ideas, especially if you have an experienced team of professionals helping you.

6. Understand that neither party can control the process alone.  You have to work together and you can get better results if you are willing to bend a little.  Usually, you have to give a little to get a little. It's easier to do if you're expecting it.

7.  Focus on improving your relationships.  In the Collaborative process, there is an emphasis on learning better communication skills, including listening.  If you and your spouse are able to work together, instead of against each other, that cooperation normally spills over into other parts of the post-divorce relationship.

To get a peaceful divorce, be willing to try new approaches and be willing to help from several directions.  You'll be glad you did.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Should You Consider Collaborative Law for a Divorce?

At this time of year, many people decide to file for divorce.  Often they delay to get through the holidays and then plan to file in January or February. If you are one of those people, you may be considering filing for divorce and using the Collaborative Divorce process, or you may be undecided on how to proceed. Either way, here are some points to ponder as you decide how to go forward.
Why should you consider Collaborative Law?  It’s worth looking into if any of the following might be important to you:

•    Privacy.
•    Control over the timing.
•    Control over the decision-making.
•    Expert neutral help in working out a parenting plan for your children.
•    Expert neutral financial help so you can understand your finances.
•    Expert neutral financial help to gather, organize and review your financial information to make sure it is all reported and is accurate.
•    Expert help moderating negotiations to keep them safe, efficient and  productive.
•    Both parties using well-trained attorneys to advise and help work out solutions.
•    Avoiding court hearings.
•    Replacing expensive, formal Discovery procedures with informal cooperative efforts overseen by neutral experts.
•    Keeping on good terms with your ex-spouse for the benefit of your children
•    Creating customized property division plans focused on what’s important for you and your spouse.                           
•    Creating customized plans for sharing time with the children
•    Coordinating and controlling, by agreements,  your financial planning for the family into the future.

You probably have many questions about the alternatives. The best way to get answers is to go see an attorney who is trained and experienced in Collaborative Law.  You can find out about timing, cost and how to get started. It helps to get direct answers that apply to your case.

Note:  if you meet with a Collaborative attorney who tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law, please do yourself a favor and get a second opinion from a trained and experienced Collaborative attorney.  Unfortunately, some attorneys advertise themselves as Collaborative attorneys, but they use that to draw in potential clients and then talk them out of using the process. Do yourself a favor and get a second opinion.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Finding Peace on Earth During Divorce

During December each year, there is always a lot of talk about "Peace on Earth".  Anyone in a bad marriage knows that marriages can be very un-peaceful.  For those in bad marriages, it may be the seasonal talk about peace that motivates them to file for divorce in January or February.

During any time of the year, peace is actually a consideration for getting divorced.  Here are some suggestions if you are looking for a peaceful solution to a difficult marriage.

1.  Remember that most divorces have conflict.  But, you can try to minimize the conflict. Be respectful of each other.  Consider each other's point in view.  Understand that neither party is likely to get everything they want.  Knowing there will be some conflict, you should act like an adult and disagree politely and respectfully.  Avoiding anger will pay off in the long run.

2.  You have a choice: be constructive or make it worse.  If you react in anger, you're choosing the second option.  If you can pause and make a thoughtful response to provocation, you will make the situation better.  Don't get dragged down into fighting. Maybe you can elevate your spouse's behavior. You know the buttons to push to upset your spouse, but you probably also know how to get your spouse in a good mood.  Chose the high road.

3.  Think about the life you want post-divorce.  Plan ahead.  Come up with a reasonable approach that can help meet your needs, but also make it possible for your spouse to feel like a winner on issues important to him/her.

4.  Choose the Collaborative Law process. If you have significant  issues about property division or children, the Collaborative process can be very helpful for you and your family.  It's better to resolve those issues in a controlled, safe and respectful environment.  Those are important matters and you need help.

5.  Hire a trained and experienced Collaborative attorney.  If you go see an attorney who tries to tell you that he/she does Collaborative work, but your case is not appropriate, do yourself a favor and get a second opinion from an attorney who has a lot of experience with Collaborative cases.  Unfortunately, some attorneys do a bait and switch. Other attorneys try to talk you out of using Collaborative either because they aren't trained in it or because they don't make as much money doing Collaborative work as they do with litigation.  I see very few cases that couldn't go Collaborative. Get a second opinion if someone tries to say you shouldn't use Collaborative Law!

If you follow the above suggestions, you have a good chance of having a peaceful divorce.  Good luck!

Sunday, October 1, 2017

What Should You Do if Your Spouse Gives You a List of Suggested Attorneys for a Collaborative Divorce?

Although you might be tempted to run hard in the opposite direction, this is not a bad or scary thing. You may not want a divorce, but if your spouse wants it, a divorce will be granted eventually. The list you receive may be the key to having a good experience, or at least making the best out of a situation you don't want.

1.  What does the list mean? Don't worry, you're not in danger.  It clearly indicates that your spouse is planning to or has filed for divorce. It also means that your spouse wants to try to be civilized about the uncoupling.

2.  Should you feel surprised?  Probably not.  There may have been discussions recently or over a period of time.  At the very least, there have likely been problems between the two of you. If you think about it, you may remember signs that things weren't going well.

     Regardless of whether your are surprised, you need to protect yourself.

3.  So, what should you do?  (Multiple Choice time!)

a.  Accept the list and check them out.

b.  Do your own research on line.

c.  Ask friends or counselors or attorneys to recommend  a Collaborative attorney.

d.  Take a little time to assess the situation.

e.  All of the above.

And the correct answer is "e".

4.  Check out the names on the list. They do not work with your spouse's attorney.  They are all independent and each would only represent your interests. They would have no connection to your spouse.

Once you learn a little about Collaborative Law, you will understand that it helps you to have an attorney who knows, gets along with and has successfully worked with, the other side's attorney. 

If you are in the Collaborative process, you want two lawyers who can work together to reach an agreement without creating stress, animosity or excessive costs. You want a peaceful resolution.  It takes two special lawyers.

Final Word:  If you are too uncomfortable to use the names on your list, feel free to search for another trained Collaborative attorney. Check their experience and make sure they actually have handled a number of Collaborative cases.  Unfortunately, there are some attorneys who claim to be Collaborative who always find a reason to talk people out of using Collaborative.  If someone tries that with you, go see another Collaborative attorney.  You will be much better off.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Why Negotiating Outside the Meetings is a Bad Idea

Some people will always be tempted to try to negotiate parts of their settlement outside the Collaborative meetings.  Sometimes, both parties want to do it, but most often it's just one of the parties who tries to engage their spouse in talks.

These are people who have been unable to agree on things, often having heated arguments over all kinds of issues. Typically, they have tried negotiating before they hired lawyers. 

Why do they do it?
  • Save time.
  • Save money by cutting out attorney's fees or professionals' fees.
  • They think they understand or know more now and the issues are simple.
  • Someone is frustrated with the Collaborative process because it doesn't move at super speed.
  • Someone wants to control the process, the other party or the outcome, or all of them.
 Why is it a bad idea?

Although it's not always a bad idea, more often than not, problems arise, such as:
  • People going through divorces often don't behave as well together when the attorneys and other professionals are not around. Even when there have been productive meetings and discussions in the process, when the professionals are not around the parties often revert to their old ways of communicating and interpreting what the other is saying and doing.
  • It may lead to more arguments and hurt feelings, especially if only one of the parties wants to negotiate.
  •  Short-cuts often lead to harmful or bad decisions.  The parties may lack information. One or both parties could lack experience in negotiating important matters.  One side often feels pressured which makes them uncomfortable.
  • It could even derail the process if the parties get really mad or get into serious disagreements. 
What should you do if you are tempted to try to work out some agreements privately?
  •  Just say NO!  Blame it on your attorney or the other professionals, if you want to, but it's better to avoid it.  
  • If this is just a simple matter, it won't take long to handle it at a meeting, so there's no harm and little cost involved.
  • Re-direct attention.  Change the subject.  Get your spouse to discuss something different that he or she is interested in and then leave or end the conversation. 
  • Put off your spouse by suggesting you need to do some homework on it, which you should do anyway and then go talk with your attorney about it before you negotiate.
  • Don't get into a long talk with your spouse about whether it's a good idea. You may end up getting mad or getting talked into something you don't want to do.
Best Advice:  Talk to your attorney first, whether you are thinking of initiating it or if your spouse suggests it.  Maybe it can work, but please listen to your attorney.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Don't Be a Lone Ranger!

When you're going through a divorce, even using Collaborative Law, it's sometimes frustrating.  It may seem like things are moving too slow or too fast, or that things aren't going your way and your spouse if getting whatever he or she wants.

Sometimes, it feels like you don't have any control over your own life. You may feel like the attorneys and other professionals are micro-managing your life, but this isn't your old life anymore.  You are transitioning out of marriage into a single life again.  You will be in limbo while the divorce is pending.  Your spouse is also in limbo.

A good way to handle frustration during a divorce is to talk with your attorney.  You can also engage a private counselor for yourself and over time, that can be very helpful.

Some people, however, choose a less helpful path.  They let their frustration build to a point where they decide to take unilateral action. That can upset their spouse and possibly derail the Collaborative process.

Here are some bad moves that you should not make:
  • Start dating while the divorce is pending.  That's always a bad idea.  Please wait.  It will likely be very upsetting to your spouse, and you will probably add issues about reimbursement for wasting community funds on dating.
  • Suddenly move.  Without notice.  It's worse if there are kids involved.  Even without kids, there are obvious financial ramifications. It probably violates agreements already in place.
  • Take an expensive vacation. You are probably spending community funds and your spouse will probably be unhappy. That makes the process much more difficult to complete.
  • Buy a house.  Without an agreement to spend community funds, there's a major problem.  If there are children, a new house can upset school and other plans.  It can also cause ripples through all the financial issues.
  • Change schools without an agreement.  When parents are not in agreement, this can cause very serious problems and possibly end the Collaborative process.
  • Take a new job.  That can be good or bad. It will certainly change the financial equation.  Even though it's your life, it will create more good will if you discuss the change with everyone in advance.
  • Clean out a bank account.  That can be considered an act of war.  Don't do it.  If you need funds, have a discussion.  If you think your spouse might try to take the money, you need to have a basic discussion about whether the two of you want to us the Collaborative process.
  • Make children's plans that infringe on the other parent's time.  Be respectful with your spouse/co-parent.  The children don't need to be put in the middle of fights between the two parents.  Find a way to work together for the kids' sake. Work with the mental health professional to compromise on sharing the time with the children.

If you get seriously frustrated, please talk with your attorney.  He or she can help you put things in perspective.  Part of the problem may be expectations and your attorney can help you have realistic expectations about how the Collaborative divorce process will work in your case.You can also work with the mental health professional or financial professional to resolve some of the issues.

Whatever you do, don't give up on the process. Please talk with one of the professionals!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Do You Really Want to Settle?

At the start of a divorce, some people think about whether they should try to settle the case or just get ready to fight.  Usually, those people have not been through a divorce and don't know how to settle and don't know the costs of fighting.  In this post, I would like to focus on settling.  The costs of fighting are enormous and the result is not worth the cost in my view.

Why settle?  There are lots of reasons.
  • You can get the case resolved now, rather than letting it drag out for a year or more.
  • Save money.  It costs much less to focus on settling.  Fighting involves having extra hearings, filing a lot of  motions and doing discovery.  Those actions involve a lot of attorney time and fees and they get everyone stirred up. After all of the fighting is done, the parties usually end up settling, but with much less to be divided.
  • You can focus on getting what you really need or value, rather than just ending up with an arbitrary percentage share of everything.
  • There's a chance both parties will be satisfied with the result. 
So, if you're interested in the idea of settling, what can you do to improve your chances for success?
  • Be prepared.  Think ahead about how you want to end up.  Think about how to persuade your spouse to agree to what you want. Gather documents that you will need to negotiate.  Do your homework and come to meetings prepared to discuss the topics that are scheduled.
  • Be open-minded.  There is more than one way to do things.  Be able to consider other alternatives than the one you favor.
  • Work with an attorney.  In a divorce, you are dividing all the family's assets and liabilities.  You are often making plans for the children for the next 10 to 15 years. You need to have an experienced professional to help you figure out your options and make the best decisions.
  • Try the Collaborative process and work with a neutral financial professional (FP) and neutral therapist (MHP).  The FP provides expert assistance to you in handling the property issues.  As well has helping put together a parenting plan when there are children involved, the MHP helps manage the joint meetings to improve communication between the parties. You know how easy it is to get angry at your spouse, or for your spouse to get angry with you, when you are discussing important matters. The MHP is very effective in keeping the peace.
  • Talk often with your attorney.  If you are concerned that the Collaborative process will be, or has become, too stressful, discuss the situation with your attorney.  An experienced Collaborative attorney can help reassure you and suggest actions that can help.
  • Focus on the important goals.  Obviously, some things are more important than others.  Be willing to trade off some issues or other things.
  • Remember the importance of helping your spouse also "win", so you have a "win-win" situation.  Not only does that increase the chances for success, but it will make the post-divorce relationship much better.
For most professionals who work in the family law field, and for most people who have been through a divorce, the choice between fighting or settling is pretty obvious.  Hopefully, if you are facing that decision, you will choose the course that is best for you.