Acknowledgements: Spouse of a Professional, Facing Divorce

How about the spouses of professionals?

I recently wrote about how married professionals often feel under-appreciated.  What's true for such professionals as physicians, lawyers, dentists, veterinarians, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots, architects, engineers and many others, is also true for their spouses.  Just like the professionals to whom they are married, spouses of professionals often have a difficult time facing divorce. 

Spouses of high-earning professionals of all types experience some common problems that need to be addressed during the marriage (to save the marriage, if it's not too late!), or during a divorce.  There's always an easy way and a hard way, or a nice way and a not-so-nice way, to do divorces.  People who choose to use Collaborative Law are opting for the nicer way, but that doesn't necessarily make the process easy.

In representing spouses of professionals, I have heard some complaints over and over.  Although I don't doubt the validity of the issues, what really matters is the strong feelings associated with how the spouses feel valued or not.

Many times, busy professionals tend to overlook or minimize the sacrifices of their spouses in keeping a family together, running a household and raising children.  Sometimes, the professionals feel sorry for themselves and don't think much about their spouse.  They often take for granted the daily things the spouse does without getting much credit for it.

For professionals facing divorce, even if they haven't shown much appreciation and understanding of their spouse in the past, and even if they aren't feeling too charitable as they work through a divorce, it is certainly in their best interest to express understanding and appreciation of their spouse.  That can really help establish an atmosphere of cooperation and shared interests.

In case professionals have forgotten what their spouses have done, here are some suggestions of topics to focus on:

• The spouse may have really carried the load for years with the kids.  That includes such time consuming actions as taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the doctor or dentist or orthodontist, getting school supplies, buying appropriately stylist clothes for the kids, managing play dates for young kids, keeping track of dating for older kids, helping them with homework, taking the kids to sports practices and games, and many other things.  That's not to mention being a doctor and therapist for the children.  There's a lot of work that's easy to overlook if you're not in the trenches.
• Your spouse may have carried the load with the house.  Someone has to maintain the house and get help as needed.  Some spouses decorate and clean, others hire workers.  A spouse often takes responsibility for setting up the house to entertain friends, family, business associates and others.
• Your spouse may have worked to support the family while you were in school or in training.  The spouse may not have earned nearly what you earn now, but she or he worked hard and made it possible for you to get to your current position.
• Many times, a spouse must deal with the fact that a professional is away from home for long periods.  Traveling may become tedious to you, but it is lonely for your spouse.
• Believe it or not,  sometimes you are very difficult to deal with when you come home from work.  Your spouse doesn't have anywhere to go or hide.  Instead, she or he tries to comfort you and reassure you that you will get over whatever difficulty you are having at work.
• Your spouse may have needed to take charge of the personal finances.  Because you have been so busy, your spouse often sees that the bills are paid and that the necessities are purchased.  Your spouse has had to live within a tight budge at times, even if you make a high income now.  You probably don't have time to deal with all that. 

 While you have a busy and demanding life, and the family has been rewarded by your income, that doesn't mean that your spouse has had an easy life.  If you will do a little soul searching, you will probably realize that your spouse has done a lot for you that you hadn't recognized before.

It will greatly benefit you if you will make some honest and sincere acknowledgements to your spouse and thank her or him for their contributions.  Just like you may feel under-appreciated, I'll guarantee your spouse feels the same way.  Both of you can do better by understanding more about what the other has contributed to the good aspects of your marriage.  Help yourself  and your family by recognizing your spouse's efforts.

Acknowledgements: Professional Facing Divorce

Physicians are people, too.  So are lawyers, dentists, vets, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots,  and other professionals.  They have feelings.  Sometimes they are successful at marriage and sometimes they aren't.  It's not unusual for professionals to become very successful in their business lives and neglect their personal and family lives.  Unfortunately, they may end up divorcing.  If their spouse has felt neglected as the professional's career advanced, the spouse often becomes angry.  That may lead to an unpleasant divorce.  But, it doesn't have to.

While success in certain professions seems to depend upon the person being objective and unemotional, there are still emotions that exist deep within everyone.  One that I hear about, when representing a high wage-earning professional is a lack of appreciation from the family.  I have heard many professionals complain that they are treated just as a meal ticket or bank account.  There may be many reasons for the lack of respect and appreciation, but the situation is real. 

In Collaborative cases, we sometimes work with the parties to have more empathy and understanding for their spouses.  Working on that can make it easier to come to a settlement and to find an appropriate settlement.  If you are the spouse of a professional who works hard and makes a lot of money, but you are now facing a divorce, it is in your best interest to try to understand your spouse's perspective, even if you don't agree with it and even if you strongly dislike your spouse now.  When you are facing a divorce, it is inevitable that you will be divorced. 

The question is whether you can reach a favorable settlement or whether you want to turn over the control and decision-making to a stranger (the judge) who may not see things the way you do.  If you want to reach an amicable agreement, it helps if you have some understanding of the feelings that your spouse probably hasn't shared with you about his or her sacrifices in reaching this point of his or her and your lives.

Here are some things I have heard over and over.  That means they are common feelings and ones that your spouse may have experienced.

• The spouse went through long years of training to reach this point.  While you may have been there and even sacrificed to make it possible, your spouse did put in a lot of sweat and dealt with a lot of stress to get here.
• The professional puts in long hours of work.  This may be one of your complaints, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that your spouse is working hard and gets tired.
• Although your spouse may be making a lot of money now, the pay was low and hours long in the beginning.  That's tough to put up with and probably wasn't easy for you either, but you should give credit to your spouse.
• Your spouse works hard to earn the high income he/she is bringing home now.  No matter what career your spouse chose, hard work precedes the pay-off.
• The work is often stressful.  Many professionals deal with life and death decisions, health issues or large financial issues.  There's a lot hanging in the balance and there's huge responsibility.
• Many professionals sacrifice time at home with the family in order to advance in the career or maintain a high income.  Their spouses may not view it as a good thing, but many professionals believe they don't have a choice and yet they miss their family.
• The professional is a good breadwinner.  He/she is successful.  Many would really appreciate hearing thanks from their family.

If you are married to a high-wage-earning professional and you are now facing a divorce, it would really benefit you to consider the points above and try to come up with some statements acknowledging how hard your spouse has worked, the sacrifices made and the successes they have had.  Showing some appreciation may help defrost relations and lead to a better settlement for both sides.  Talk it over with your lawyer and the mental health professional, if you are in a Collaborative divorce.

Professionals Getting Divorced Respectfully

Professionals of all kinds often live a high reward-high risk business life.  They do stressful work, whether they are doctors, lawyers, accountants, pilots, engineers, athletes, business owners or other professionals.  It has often taken a long time and a lot of hard work to reach a level of success and sometimes the family suffers.  Relationships are hard to maintain in the best of circumstances, and professionals often are called on to make personal sacrifices to advance in their careers.

As a result of many factors, professionals may end up facing a divorce.  If that time comes, they usually prefer to work through the process as quietly as possible, for many obvious reasons.  Because of that, Collaborative Law has become an attractive option for professionals dealing with divorce and other family issues.  Here are some considerations that lead to that conclusion:

1.  Collaborative Law affords the parties privacy.  Instead of filing various pleadings and motions in court, having hearings and depositions, and doing voluminous discovery, the parties in Collaborative Law have a series of short, private meetings to work out agreements.  It is a less-adversarial process and it works quietly in confidential meetings.  The parties agree to stay out of court until they prove up the final agreement.

2.  Collaborative Law permits flexible scheduling.  Many professionals are quite busy and just aren't able to suddenly change schedules and run to the courthouse or show up for depositions.  In Collaborative Practice, the meetings can be scheduled to work around the availability of the parties and minimize the inconvenience for everyone.  That rarely happens in litigation.

3.  Neutral experts are used in limited roles in Collaborative cases.  We normally use a neutral mental health professional (MHP) to assist the parties communicate effectively and deal with the stress of the process.  The MHP often helps the parties resolve children's issues as well.  In addition, we use a neutral financial professional (FP) to gather and organize the financial information.  The FP also leads the discussions reviewing the financial summary and generating options for property division.  If we need to get appraisals of real estate or business values, we hire one neutral expert to establish the values.  All of that is in contrast to litigation where each side independently usually hires their own set of experts, doubling the cost and increasing the fighting.

4.  Both sides are helped to be realistic.  Using neutral experts and having experienced Collaborative lawyers all working together to help the parties come to agreement truly benefits the parties.  Instead of encouraging the parties to take extreme positions in negotiations, the team helps the parties focus on their underlying goals and needs.  They also help the parties be reasonable in their objectives by openly dealing with the facts and information that is shared throughout the process.

5.  Help is available for the difficult emotions often experienced in divorce.  Collaborative attorneys are better prepared to deal with emotional issues, but even more important is the MHP who attends all the joint meetings and who can also work one-on-one, not to provide therapy, but to help the parties deal with the emotions and challenges of making important personal decisions and changing relationships.

Collaborative Law won't work for everyone, but it can be very effective and not as difficult or destructive as litigation, in the proper case.  Professionals can get information about Collaborative Law by talking with attorneys, MHPs or FPs who are trained in the process.  Good luck!

Top 10 Reasons Why Doctors Prefer Collaborative Law

Over the past few years, I have noticed that a number of physicians facing divorce have become fans of Collaborative Law as the best process for them and their families. Many doctors (or their spouses) have researched and discovered the process on the Internet. After I discuss the possibilities with them, doctors and their spouses almost always are enthusiastic about trying the process, even if they hadn't heard about it before. Here are some of the reasons why it is appealing for physician divorces.

• Privacy and control. In contrast to how litigated divorces proceed, Collaborative divorces permit a private process where the parties control the timing and outcome. Meetings are conducted privately and decisions are made by the parties in joint meetings where both sides are encouraged to participate and ultimately make their own decisions. Parties don't waste time at the courthouse and don't have to fit their schedules around the judge's availability.


• Flexibility for kids' schedules. Not only are many doctors regularly on-call, but their schedules often change monthly. In addition, less senior doctors get their schedules moved around and they get the less desirable times to work and cover for others. All of that makes it hard or impossible for the traditional standard visitation schedule to work. The Collaborative Law process encourages the parties to be creative and come up with unique approaches for visitation challenges. In Collaborative cases, there is no assumption that the parents must follow the standard schedule.


• Keeping a good relationship between both parents and children. One of the main reasons why Collaborative Law is popular is because it encourages and enables the parties to improve their communication and respectful behavior toward each other. We usually work with a communication specialist, who is a mental health professional (MHP). The MHP always helps make the process more productive and effective and less stressful. We often have the parents work separately with a child specialist to create a special plan for sharing time with the children. An MHP can help the parents focus on the essential issues and avoid emotional land mines that often interrupt unguided negotiations.


• Enabling the parents to provide for their children for the long term. In Texas, child support generally ends when a child turns 18 and graduates from high school, whichever is later. State law does not provide for payment of college expenses or support through college. Nevertheless, many parents recognize that college is essential for children who want to have fulfilling careers. They also recognize the rapidly increasing cost of a college education. Since Collaborative Law does not impose limitations on what goals the parties may have, it is quite common for parents, in a Collaborative case, to set up plans to provide a college education and the necessary support for the children through college.


• Reasonably determine the value of a medical practice. In a litigated divorce when a doctor owns an interest in a medical practice, it is normal for both sides to hire their own expert to put a value on the interest in the medical practice. In contrast, in a Collaborative Law case, the parties normally agree on one appraiser. That cuts the cost in half and also reduces the fighting over the values produced. The experts appreciate not having to testify in depositions and court (also saving the fee for those actions) and enjoy the freedom of neutrality. One of the most serious concerns of a medical professional is the uncertainty of future income. As was illustrated by the recent Congressional action in passing legislation and then having to override a veto, physicians' income is easily affected by factors out of their control. Dealing with federal law and insurance companies, the occasional effects of an economic downturn and the burden of malpractice insurance (even after tort reform), create problems that must be considered when valuing a practice.


• Managing debt. Debt from a variety of sources can be a problem for physicians. Medical school is obviously expensive and many doctors start out with a heavy load of student loans. Buying into a practice can also be very expensive, as is starting up a new practice at any time in one's career. Overhead for a medical office is very high and it seems that a doctor has little control over how much or when s/he will be paid. Credit card debt, even for well-established physicians can be substantial. Using a financial professional (FP) in a Collaborative case makes it possible to create a plan to control and eventually eliminate debt. That is something that normally doesn't happen in a litigated divorce.


• Consideration of tax consequences. In a Collaborative case, the FP works with both parties to analyze the tax consequences of various property division and support provisions. That provides the best opportunity for the parties to save on taxes. That normally doesn't happen in litigation.


• Protecting and managing retirement funds. In a similar manner, the financial professional also helps the parties figure out the best way to divide and manage their retirement assets or may suggest creating new retirement funds. Both parties get the benefit of an expert who helps them set up an arrangement that is consistent with their goals and needs. That normally doesn't happen in a litigated divorce.


• Dealing with complex and significant assets or investments. In Collaborative cases, the parties utilize an expert to analyze their assets and to help them determine the best allocation of so they can meet their goals and needs. In litigation, such assets are often divided arbitrarily and without analysis of the tax and other consequences of the actions. If there are substantial assets, the parties need to invest sufficient time, expertise and creativity to achieve a division that is beneficial to both parties.
• Alimony. Many doctors have a knee-jerk reaction that alimony is totally unacceptable. Many doctors' wives automatically believe they should be entitled to alimony. On an emotional level, those are sometimes understandable opinions. On a financial level, however, alimony can often be used to significantly benefit both parties. The alimony needs to be carefully structured to comply with federal tax law, but that is done with the help of the financial professional. Alimony is not appropriate or beneficial in every case, but it should be viewed with an open mind as a possible solution that can actually help both parties, when properly utilized. The key is having the neutral financial professional who works in Collaborative Law cases.

When considering possible divorce actions, doctors have become much more aware of the benefits of the Collaborative Law process. If facing a potential divorce, they should seek out attorneys who have the special training required for Collaborative Law work. The process will not work in every case, but it is certainly advisable to request that a family law attorney discuss the possibility with the prospective party before anyone files for divorce. Clearly, there are many advantages to using the process in the appropriate case.