Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the third in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                 
                 The Teenage Kids + Wife Starting Over Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 25 years.  They have two teenage children, a boy and a girl, ages 14 and 16.  Husband is a doctor and wife has been a stay-at-home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, several retirement plans, a variety of  investments, an interest in the doctor's medical practice group and no debt, other than the mortgage.

Issues:  How husband can keep a relationship with the kids, how to compensate for the value of husband's medical practice, what to do with the house and how to help wife get ready to re-join the work force.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). They also retain a neutral business appraiser for the husband's practice and a neutral real estate appraiser for their residence.  If the issues about husband's relationships with the children are very difficult, the attorneys might bring in a child specialist to help with coming up with a plan for the husband and children.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting. Or, the child specialist could take the lead on the parenting plan. The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP or child specialist has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  The attorneys coordinate the appraisals. The Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets in a beneficial way, not just each taking half of everything.  The FP also focuses on a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  Alimony will probably be a major component in providing support for the wife as she transitions back into the work force, and it will produce tax benefits for husband.  The financial professional  also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have time with the kids that takes into account the fact that the children have become busy and independent and probably don't want to spend much time with either parent.  The property is divided and alimony is given to wife to enable her to get the training she needs to get back into the labor force while still supervising teenage children.  Wife may keep the house, if it is affordable.  Otherwise, cash is found to get her into another less-expensive residence.

Comment:  The case would probably have taken about 6-8 joint meetings because there are many difficult issues for both parties.  If it had gone to litigation, it probably would have taken a year to a year and a half to get through a trial (or a mediation just before the trial date).

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the second  in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                   
                               The Affair Case

Facts:  This case involves a 12-year marriage and two children, ages 6 and 9.  Husband and wife both work and make a good living.  They have a house, two retirements and some cash in the bank.

Issues:  The issues here mainly revolve around the kids.  Wife knows about the affair.  She is unhappy about that, but she was also unhappy in the marriage.  She is concerned about how the girlfriend (this one and any future ones) will eventually be introduced to the children and how visitation will be shared.  Wife also feels very strongly that husband should not have the girlfriend spend the night with him, with the kids present, until husband and girlfriend marry.

Steps Followed:  The two attorneys select a neutral mental health professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP) to work with them and the parties.

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties  identify their goals, needs and interests and share them with everyone so the focus will be clear for future meetings.

Financial Issues:  The parties meet separately with the FP who gathers and organizes their financial information.  The FP prepares a spreadsheet and budgets for both parties.  The financial issues will be discussed at one or more joint meetings and there probably won't be too big a problem in reaching agreement.

Kid Issues:  The more difficult issues may be the ones relating to the children.  The MHP works with the parties to help the parties prepare to tell the children about the divorce and to help them come up with a plan about how to introduce new significant others for both parties to the children.  The MHP does most of the work in getting the parents to understand the need to look at this from the kids' perspective.  Visitation is probably not much of an issue, once the girlfriend issue is worked through.

Comment:  If this had gone to litigation, standard visitation schedules would have applied and the outcome on the girlfriend issues would primarily have depended on whether the Judge hearing the case considered it a big issue, regardless of how strongly the wife felt about it.  The case might have dragged out for 9 months to a year or more if the parties really got into fighting over the kids or the money.

To find out whether Collaborative Law could possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Case Studies: How Does Collaborative Law Work?

This is the first in a series of stories about how Collaborative Law actually works in a divorce case.  These cases are not real cases.  The facts and stories are expanded and modified from real issues faced by families going through a Collaborative divorce.
                     
                               The Uneventful Case

Facts:  Husband and wife have been married for 15 years.  They have two children, a boy and a girl, ages 10 and 8.  Husband has a sales job and wife has been a stay at home mom; she left her teaching career when the children were born.  The couple has a house, two retirement plans, some investments and very little debt.

Issues:  How to share time with the kids and providing some extra support for mom as she starts to rejoin the workforce.

Steps Followed:  Each party has their own Collaborative attorney.  The attorneys bring in a neutral mental health  professional (MHP) and a neutral financial professional (FP). 

1st Meeting:  At the first joint meeting, the parties tell what their goals, needs and interests are so that everyone will know what each party wants to end up with.
   
Kid Issues:  The MHP works with everyone in the joint meetings and works with the parties, without attorneys present, to come up with a parenting plan to bring to a joint meeting.  The parenting plan covers the sharing of responsibilities for the children as well as sharing time with them.  The MHP has also helped the parents work out a plan for how they would tell the children.  The therapist also runs the joint meetings and makes sure that both parties are comfortable and feel safe in the discussions.  The MHP has also answered questions and educated the parents about what to expect post-divorce with the children.

Financial Issues:  The FP gathers financial records from the parties and creates a spreadsheet to use in dividing the assets.  Equally important, the Financial Professional helps each party put together a budget and plan their financial futures.  The FP leads the joint meetings dealing with finances and together the parties and professionals come up with a plan to divide the assets and a way for both parties to meet their financial needs into the future.  The FP also helps the parties plan for the tax consequences of the financial agreements.

Result:  A comprehensive agreement is drawn up that provides for the children and allows both parents to have meaningful time with the kids.  The property is divided and extra support is given to wife to enable her to do what's necessary to get back into the labor force while still being the primary caregiver of the children.

Comment:  Very few cases are this simple, but the story tells about the roles of everyone working on a Collaborative case.  The case would probably have taken about 4-5 joint meetings.

To find out whether Collaborative Law would possibly work for you, talk with an attorney who has been specially trained in Collaborative Law.  If any attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative, you should always get a second opinion from a trained Collaborative attorney.

Acknowledgements: Spouse of a Professional, Facing Divorce

How about the spouses of professionals?

I recently wrote about how married professionals often feel under-appreciated.  What's true for such professionals as physicians, lawyers, dentists, veterinarians, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots, architects, engineers and many others, is also true for their spouses.  Just like the professionals to whom they are married, spouses of professionals often have a difficult time facing divorce. 

Spouses of high-earning professionals of all types experience some common problems that need to be addressed during the marriage (to save the marriage, if it's not too late!), or during a divorce.  There's always an easy way and a hard way, or a nice way and a not-so-nice way, to do divorces.  People who choose to use Collaborative Law are opting for the nicer way, but that doesn't necessarily make the process easy.

In representing spouses of professionals, I have heard some complaints over and over.  Although I don't doubt the validity of the issues, what really matters is the strong feelings associated with how the spouses feel valued or not.

Many times, busy professionals tend to overlook or minimize the sacrifices of their spouses in keeping a family together, running a household and raising children.  Sometimes, the professionals feel sorry for themselves and don't think much about their spouse.  They often take for granted the daily things the spouse does without getting much credit for it.

For professionals facing divorce, even if they haven't shown much appreciation and understanding of their spouse in the past, and even if they aren't feeling too charitable as they work through a divorce, it is certainly in their best interest to express understanding and appreciation of their spouse.  That can really help establish an atmosphere of cooperation and shared interests.

In case professionals have forgotten what their spouses have done, here are some suggestions of topics to focus on:

• The spouse may have really carried the load for years with the kids.  That includes such time consuming actions as taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the doctor or dentist or orthodontist, getting school supplies, buying appropriately stylist clothes for the kids, managing play dates for young kids, keeping track of dating for older kids, helping them with homework, taking the kids to sports practices and games, and many other things.  That's not to mention being a doctor and therapist for the children.  There's a lot of work that's easy to overlook if you're not in the trenches.
• Your spouse may have carried the load with the house.  Someone has to maintain the house and get help as needed.  Some spouses decorate and clean, others hire workers.  A spouse often takes responsibility for setting up the house to entertain friends, family, business associates and others.
• Your spouse may have worked to support the family while you were in school or in training.  The spouse may not have earned nearly what you earn now, but she or he worked hard and made it possible for you to get to your current position.
• Many times, a spouse must deal with the fact that a professional is away from home for long periods.  Traveling may become tedious to you, but it is lonely for your spouse.
• Believe it or not,  sometimes you are very difficult to deal with when you come home from work.  Your spouse doesn't have anywhere to go or hide.  Instead, she or he tries to comfort you and reassure you that you will get over whatever difficulty you are having at work.
• Your spouse may have needed to take charge of the personal finances.  Because you have been so busy, your spouse often sees that the bills are paid and that the necessities are purchased.  Your spouse has had to live within a tight budge at times, even if you make a high income now.  You probably don't have time to deal with all that. 

 While you have a busy and demanding life, and the family has been rewarded by your income, that doesn't mean that your spouse has had an easy life.  If you will do a little soul searching, you will probably realize that your spouse has done a lot for you that you hadn't recognized before.

It will greatly benefit you if you will make some honest and sincere acknowledgements to your spouse and thank her or him for their contributions.  Just like you may feel under-appreciated, I'll guarantee your spouse feels the same way.  Both of you can do better by understanding more about what the other has contributed to the good aspects of your marriage.  Help yourself  and your family by recognizing your spouse's efforts.

Acknowledgements: Professional Facing Divorce

Physicians are people, too.  So are lawyers, dentists, vets, CPAs, professional athletes, financial planners, pilots,  and other professionals.  They have feelings.  Sometimes they are successful at marriage and sometimes they aren't.  It's not unusual for professionals to become very successful in their business lives and neglect their personal and family lives.  Unfortunately, they may end up divorcing.  If their spouse has felt neglected as the professional's career advanced, the spouse often becomes angry.  That may lead to an unpleasant divorce.  But, it doesn't have to.

While success in certain professions seems to depend upon the person being objective and unemotional, there are still emotions that exist deep within everyone.  One that I hear about, when representing a high wage-earning professional is a lack of appreciation from the family.  I have heard many professionals complain that they are treated just as a meal ticket or bank account.  There may be many reasons for the lack of respect and appreciation, but the situation is real. 

In Collaborative cases, we sometimes work with the parties to have more empathy and understanding for their spouses.  Working on that can make it easier to come to a settlement and to find an appropriate settlement.  If you are the spouse of a professional who works hard and makes a lot of money, but you are now facing a divorce, it is in your best interest to try to understand your spouse's perspective, even if you don't agree with it and even if you strongly dislike your spouse now.  When you are facing a divorce, it is inevitable that you will be divorced. 

The question is whether you can reach a favorable settlement or whether you want to turn over the control and decision-making to a stranger (the judge) who may not see things the way you do.  If you want to reach an amicable agreement, it helps if you have some understanding of the feelings that your spouse probably hasn't shared with you about his or her sacrifices in reaching this point of his or her and your lives.

Here are some things I have heard over and over.  That means they are common feelings and ones that your spouse may have experienced.

• The spouse went through long years of training to reach this point.  While you may have been there and even sacrificed to make it possible, your spouse did put in a lot of sweat and dealt with a lot of stress to get here.
• The professional puts in long hours of work.  This may be one of your complaints, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that your spouse is working hard and gets tired.
• Although your spouse may be making a lot of money now, the pay was low and hours long in the beginning.  That's tough to put up with and probably wasn't easy for you either, but you should give credit to your spouse.
• Your spouse works hard to earn the high income he/she is bringing home now.  No matter what career your spouse chose, hard work precedes the pay-off.
• The work is often stressful.  Many professionals deal with life and death decisions, health issues or large financial issues.  There's a lot hanging in the balance and there's huge responsibility.
• Many professionals sacrifice time at home with the family in order to advance in the career or maintain a high income.  Their spouses may not view it as a good thing, but many professionals believe they don't have a choice and yet they miss their family.
• The professional is a good breadwinner.  He/she is successful.  Many would really appreciate hearing thanks from their family.

If you are married to a high-wage-earning professional and you are now facing a divorce, it would really benefit you to consider the points above and try to come up with some statements acknowledging how hard your spouse has worked, the sacrifices made and the successes they have had.  Showing some appreciation may help defrost relations and lead to a better settlement for both sides.  Talk it over with your lawyer and the mental health professional, if you are in a Collaborative divorce.

What We Do and Don't Do in Collaborative Cases

If you are trying to decide whether to take a chance and try Collaborative Law, here are some things to think about.  Keep in mind that Collaborative Law may not work in every case or for everybody.  You and your attorney should carefully consider you, your spouse and the issues of the case.  Although Collaborative has a lot of attractive qualities, it may not work well in some circumstances. 

As you are analyzing your situation, here are some elements to focus on.

What We Do

• Focus on goals, needs and interests for all the parties.  This results in a very individualized approach that calls for more thought than typically goes into a Family Law case.  Even if you end up in litigation, it will be helpful to your attorney for you to be able to articulate what's truly important to you.  In Collaborative, we spend time helping the parties identify and clearly state their goals, needs and interests, and then we rely on them to establish our targets in settling the case.
• Use an organized gathering of information.  The parties cooperate and share information.  We focus on the essential information instead of using a "shotgun" approach.  In litigation, there are often requests for both sides to produce the same information and some information that really won't be helpful in resolving the case.
• Incorporate unique and creative solutions.  We try out new ideas and are unlimited by traditional or standard rules and approaches.  We are not bound to follow the standard "guidelines" in the Family Code, although we may choose to use them.
• Reach agreements while preserving relationships.  That is especially beneficial when there are children involved.  Using two well-trained attorneys and a neutral mental health professional makes this possible.
• Improve the communication skills of the parties.   There is a great emphasis on learning to listen and communicate respectfully and effectively and the mental health professional helps the parties.

What We Don't Do

• Use standard guidelines as the answer.  We can consider them, but we can be flexible and come up that solutions that fit.
• Use "positional bargaining".  We don't stake out extreme positions and negotiate to reach a settlement in the middle.  We focus on the actual needs of the parties.
• Go for 50% or some other arbitrary share of everything.  Again, we focus on the actual needs and interests of the parties.
• Attack each other.  The parties learn to communicate effectively so they can reach agreements.  Attacking drives the parties farther apart and usually ends up costing everyone a lot more.
• Engage in game-playing in discovery.  We identify the information we need and then arrange for the person best able to furnish it to bring it to the neutral professional to organize it.  Game-playing and deception also cost the parties more money.

 When you are deciding whether to use Collaborative Law, do some research, think about it and talk it over with your lawyer.  Maybe these points will help you decide if it would fit your circumstances.  Good luck!

Patience Please!

Sometimes, people get anxious to get their divorce over with.  That's understandable.  Divorce is stressful, difficult and often unpleasant.  It's usually not a good experience, unless you and your spouse both are still cordial with each other and both want to move fairly quickly through the process.  Even if things start out well, try not to be in too big a hurry.

Reduce Your Expectations
Wherever you are on the scale of urgency and on the quality of the remaining relationship with your spouse,  you should keep in mind the following: 

The divorce or Collaborative process doesn't work like your business.  There's input from several directions and we have emotion playing a major role.  A good business may operate efficiently and have some degree of objectivity.  Neither condition applies to divorce.

Your perspective and your spouse's perspective will probably be distorted.  You are both anxious about what is happening and your emotions will jump in and mess things up. 

There are no clear, absolute rules.  You may get tired of hearing it, but Collaborative Law involves a lot of choices and options.  We avoid relying on standardized solutions that are quick to apply, but often don't fit well.

Emotion distorts reasoning.  Divorce and Collaborative Law are not purely logical.  We have people involved, so logic is often distorted or abandoned.  Just because something is reasonable (to you), it doesn't mean that everyone will agree with it.

Divorce is rarely simple.  As easy as you might think your case should be, talk with your attorney for a reality check.  It's never simple.


What To Do? 
Be prepared.  That will help move the process along.

Be cooperative.  That makes the process easier for everyone.

Be on time.  Waiting for information or for steps to be completed can slow down everyone and create friction.

Be realistic.  Listen to your attorney and the other professionals.

Keep things in perspective.  Think about the big picture.  Make some concessions where you can so you can get what you want elsewhere.


Bottom Line:  Be Patient!