Is Collaborative Divorce Right for You?

Process option choices:  There are now several  different approaches to getting divorced:

• There's the traditional litigation model where you go to court, early and often in many cases.
• Another possibility is sitting around the kitchen table and making decisions like reasonable adults.  That won't always work, but it can be great.  
• Another option is mediation, where you have a neutral 3rd party working with both spouses to help them reach an agreement, but the mediator cannot give legal advice to either party. 
• The newest approach is Collaborative Law where the spouses each hire specially trained attorneys who don't go to court with their clients. Usually, a neutral therapist and a neutral financial advisor  help the parties.  There is a regular step-by-step process involving a series of meetings to reach peaceful agreements.

Reasons to try Collaborative:  So, how can you tell if Collaborative Divorce is the right process for you to use?  It may be if any of the following are concerns to you.

• Privacy
• Control over the timing
• Control over the outcome
• Less stress
• Not having to accept arbitrary or standard solutions
• The ability to create out-of-the-box solutions
• Equalizing power
• Needing expert help on children's issues
• Needing expert help on financial issues
• Wanting to be able to speak up in a safe environment
• Preserving relationships between parents

Other considerations: 

1.  Are you willing and able to negotiate, work and compromise with your spouse?  In a Collaborative case, keep in mind that the negotiations and work with your spouse take place with a team of two attorneys, a neutral therapist and a neutral financial professional (on financial issues).  If you don't want to negotiate and participate, you may want to turn everything to a Judge who doesn't know you and who will probably default to a standard or guidelines approach.

2.  You don't get your day in court in the Collaborative process.  Instead, you do get to fully express yourself in front of your spouse in a safe environment.   Plus, in a Collaborative setting, your opinion and choices matter.  You fully participate in fashioning the terms of your divorce. "Your day in court" is not really very valuable. It's mostly symbolic.  Stating what you want in court doesn't give any assurance that you will get it.

3.  Collaborative Divorces are not cheap, but they're good value.  Litigated divorces aren't cheap either.  In general, litigation can be a lot more expensive.  It usually lasts longer than Collaboration. When experts are used, there are usually two, instead of one.  In litigation, you have two attorneys doing things that are done by a single, less-expensive expert in Collaborative cases.  Collaborative Divorces utilize resources much more efficiently than litigation generally does.

If you are about to start up a divorce, you should carefully consider what process to use.  As you are gathering information, be sure to talk with a trained Collaborative attorney who can discuss all your process options and help you decide which is best for your situation.  Good luck!

Why Some People Put Off Starting a Collaborative Divorce

By now, you may have figured out your marriage is not going to last. The questions are when and how the divorce will take place.

Some people, when faced with that situation, put off deciding.  Others will explore their options, but become paralyzed because there are too many choices.  Still others make quick decisions, but based on emotion or bad information.

Sometimes, people make an initial decision to file for divorce and then put off getting started.  If you find yourself in that position, let me address some misconceptions about Collaborative Divorce that may be stalling your momentum.

Here are some mistaken ideas people have about the Collaborative process, with an explanation about the reality for each.

1. They believe they need everything agreed before they start the process.  Wrong.  The Collaborative Divorce process is a method used to resolve disputes.  It's a great way to create solutions for sharing time with the kids or dividing the assets.  Collaborative is used to help the parties make decisions.

2. The parties don't get along. That's not unusual since they're getting divorced, but it doesn't keep them from working in the Collaborative process.  Having the neutral mental health professional work with both parties helps them learn to listen and communicate better as well as generally behave better in joint meetings.  Unless there are serious threats of violence, most behavior issues can be managed with two attorneys working with the therapist to keep order. It doesn't get better in court.

3.  They don't have all the information.  Actually, one of the early steps in the Collaborative Divorce process is to gather information.  The neutral financial professional takes charge of identifying, gathering, organizing and evaluating the financial information for the parties.  It is a very efficient process and it's great to have an extra set of expert eyes looking at the financial records.

4. Someone doesn't understand the process.  Any attorney trained in Collaborative Law will be happy to explain the process to a prospective client.  Some will do a free consultation on the process choices available to clients for divorce.  If you or your spouse  doesn't understand how Collaborative Law works, read some more in this Blog or on my web site, or you can check Collaborativedivorce.com.

5.   Some people don't think they need Collaborative lawyers because they can agree on everything on their own.  Sometimes it works, but more often, problems develop.  After all, if they could agree on everything, they wouldn't be getting a divorce.  What happens frequently is that one party decides how things should be done and then insists that the spouse go along with it.  That's not a good idea for the "non-deciding" spouse.  Collaborative Law gives a much better opportunity for both parties to participate in working out the agreement. A one-sided agreement won't work well in the long run.

If you find yourself thinking any of the statements above, please talk with a Collaborative Law attorney and help yourself.  You'll appreciate it afterwards.